Hello all - my name is Dan, I'll be 22 in December, and I'm in desperate need of advice. I can't get enough at this point.

I've read a few things here and on some other boards... At this point I'm convinced my girlfriend doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore, but she hasn't completely decided yet.

We stopped having sex about three weeks ago. She attributed it to depression over our friend's death that happened over the summer, and I never questioned it. He died after I came back from studying abroad - her and I maintained contact and true to one another while I was away. When I came back I lived with her for a few months until I got a new apartment. Probably a huge mistake, as we were quickly spending every day with one another.

A little over a week ago she told me that she doesn't feel capable of being in a relationship right now - with school especially, it's just too much stress.

Wow... as I am typing this, I'm realizing how much of a dunce I am. I'll go on anyway...

Last week she started talking to a guy from class who has a girlfriend at another school. She assured me it was fine, and was disappointed if I showed a hint of jealousy. Pretty much since we stopped having sex I've felt subconsciously more insecure, and her starting to hang out with other guys that I've never met before began eating away at my guts like fire.

It still is. Tonight is the first night where... I had no idea who she was actually hanging out with. She's been keeping busy, catching up with old friends, and meeting new ones (including single, attractive guys she assures me she is not interested in). I've been trying as hard as I can to give her as much space as possible - I haven't been texting or calling much, if at all. I have emailed her once or twice mentioning that this break is hard, but I am working at it... I called her on Saturday before she was meeting with said single guy, and asked for some reassurance that she won't be falling away from me while I'm trying to get my act together. In retrospect, that probably made me look quite feeble in comparison to him...

I've been meditating twice a day - quite intense stuff that usually leaves me feeling energized and clear-headed. As the severity of this has become more clear, it's getting harder to find peace...

Advice from friends is across the spectrum - get out now, let her go, heal yourself; be patient, don't make any demands of her...

Today is the first day since our break I've had this much trouble... I can't stop thinking about her, wanting her to want me again. I haven't been the most attractive person of late - my self-esteem feels quite crippled and with the way classes are going it is SO hard to see a way out. I texted her twice this evening, which seems like a mistake now that she didn't reply. I just asked if she was having a good time, and after that, that i'd talk to her tomorrow perhaps.

She said specifically that we shouldn't set any rules for this break... god, but at the same time she said she isn't interested in other people. but i know that isn't true... though i feel pretty confident that she won't act on anything. but of course, my perspective of confidence is skewed at this point - i'm not doing well.

it seems like i'm going to need counseling soon. i talked to my sister and mother tonight, and i just started crying for no apparent reason during the conversation. i am deeply troubled that it is over already, but this girl has been growing and growing on me over the past year. this will be the second almost-perfect love for me... and on top of my friend's death from the summer and finals coming up soon, i am on the verge of crisis.


please, any advice... and what should i avoid doing to put her off me even more?

punum

Hi Dan,

I'm sorry that you're feeling so badly right now. It hasn't been that long since I felt at least that bad. Last summer my husband told me he wanted a divorce. I was crushed. For over a month I couldn't sleep, had no appetite, spent most of my time crying. It was horrible. I started reading stuff on line about how to get your ex back. What I learned from all the reading I did was that the best thing I could do was to take care of myself. If nothing ever came of our marriage, I would still be better off.

I started working out and have lost 30 pounds and gained lots of energy and self confidence. I'm going out with friends all the time ... I never refuse an invitation to do anything (thankfully no one has asked me to go sky diving). I haven't felt this good in years. I'm finding that I actually like myself more than I have in years too. . . . enough even that I was able to stand back and take a realistic look at my marriage. It has NOT been a good one for a very long time. This bond I had felt for him was not real. You don't mistreat people you care for ... and people give time and attention to the things they care about too. This wasn't happening for us. Now that I've learned to like me again I don't even want my husband back. Frankly, he doesn't deserve me! I want and deserve someone who will truely love and appreciate me.

Another thing I learned from all my reading was that what really causes the end of a relationship is lack of attracation. If someone is attracted to you, they will work on your relationship. If they're not attracte to you, they won't.

There's lots of advice on the internet about how to get your ex back. Have a look at it. Try it out if you like, but also take some time to really evaluate your relationship. Is it just chemistry you feel toward her, or is she truely a nice, loving person who appreiates you?

In the end things are what they are supposed to be. Hope everything works out for you, which ever way it happens.

Oh ya, one more thing ... don't smother her. If you force yourself on her you'll just drive her further away. If you start making yourself a priority, she will admire you more. I don't think it would hurt if she wondered if she actually could have you if she wanted to either.

preachercasy

Thank you dearly for responding. For a while today I felt quite on my own, so it's genuinely touching that some people are around to listen and give me some advice.

I went to bed last night feeling horrible, and woke up feeling worse. I had some sort of time-lapse and ended up missing the bus, but a voice in my head said, "Then walk!!" I was inspired immediately, put on my shoes and my backpack and headed out the door. I still felt sick to my stomach over this, but I marched all the way up there despite my negativity.

That is basically a summary of my day. It feels like my subconscious is stepping up to the plate to take care of me, because deep down I love myself and don't depend on anyone else! Certainly I am still going through withdrawals from her... but the sooner I am able to focus my own energy and attention on improving myself, how could she possibly resist me? She thinks I'm adorable, smart, a rave in bed - but the woes of finances and school will make anyone seem unattractive. I just have to right myself and the rest will work itself out!

I have been messaging her, but certainly not all the time. I just have to keep up my confidence in myself.

I really think my meditation and this counseling opportunity will help me achieve my real potential - and who knows, maybe she will come back begging!

linds03

Just to let you know, I'm in the same type of situation with my ex boyfriend. It is the worst thing in the whole entire world. I am the one who broke up with him and miss him so much it hurts. I have turned to this site a few times and found that push I needed to make it through the day. My advise is to do what your doing now- give her space and lots of it. Don't text don't call etc. My ex told me "I need time to sort things out" so that's what I give him-space. I keep telling myself that things will work themselves out...and they will. It may not be the answer your looking for in the end, but you will move on as will I. Staying busy helps ALOT. I've had weekends where all I did was stay in my apartment and cry...never do that to yourself. If you need counseling, get it. I'm thinking the same thing at this point. Let me know what happens. Take care, and best of luck to you and your future.

punum

Good for you Dan. You sound like you've got a good attitude about yourself. You know you'll be fine no matter which way this turns out. I liked what you said about "How can she resist me?" That made me smile. Remember, you are not alone. Lots of people care about you. And if she finds she can resist you, there will be someone else who won't be able to. You can count on that!

BMI

Hey Dan,

I noticed you used the phrase "come back begging" in relation to your story. What I think is happening is not so much the fact that you really like this girl but perhaps a pride issue at work. I say this b/c my situation was similar and when this girl started showing intrest I kinda started losing intrest, I think it meant i wanted to KNOW if i could get her back and that was it.

You mention your self-esteem and other "attractive" guys, maybe you feel threatened and this is your way of trying to convince yourself you are better, I know thats what I was doing. I am sure you care for her and that it must be hard, but try to meditate on what the break-up is doing to you, how is your thinking changed and what do you REALLY want. Answer that and your halfway to healing.

Hope it helps.

preachercasy

Thank you all for the responses - its wonderful how people I've never really known before and people I see randomly during the day are helping me just as much as my sister and my best friend!

To BMI : I appreciate the bluntness. I think a lot of the issues are tied up with pride, but I've been doing really well these past few days especially (since i've been a little more busy). I walked home today and tried to limit myself only to the rational thoughts I'm having. that sounds a little overbearingly analytical, but it really isn't. I owe it to myself to find out exactly what I need in this situation, and in the future.

I'm seeing this as a wonderful opportunity to correct things I've been doing "wrong" since even before I met Linds. I believe she was my way of coping with the world, I hid behind her entirely too much. When the world came in to meet me anyway, the stress and the confusion just killed everything. I'm going to make sure that never happens again - in ANY relationship. I'm stronger than that.

Funny - I was reading Harry Potter today, and he realizes that he has to stop referring to the prophecy about his life - he needs to accept his emotions, his past, his strength and just waltz right into his destiny, head held high. I believe my ego is the prophecy, it wants to convince me it is necessary to have such negative feelings and remorse and that those things should drive me through this period of my life, but it's just not like that.

My sister thinks that I am in denial, that I need to embrace she could be manipulating me, etc... but I don't know about that. Sure, it's possible, but ... does it do me any good to acknowledge that more than the rest of what I'm saying?