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At the end of a break up, it is natural to fight to save the break up. The other persons emotional interest in you is gone/going and your fighting to prevent this. You are desperate to save this. You act desperate. This is very unatractive and pushes your ex further away. By the time you realise what you have done they have already moved on and met another.
***** STOP *****
At the end of a relaionship your heart is broken, so you cannot reley on it to make rational sensible decisions. You need to give it a chance to heal. You need to step back from the relationship and have a period of no contact to allow you to heal, only then can you begin to REBUILD the relationship with your ex partner.
No Contact : So, you’ve had your heart broken, probably begged and tried to convince your ex to get back together with you and failed. Realising that staying in contact is causing you more pain than you can handle, you take the step of implementing this ‘No Contact’ (NC) that we advocate widely on the forum.
So what’s it about then? And what is going to happen?
Hopefully, most of the answers will be in this thread What is No Contact?
While a seemingly simple question, there are variations of what ‘No Contact’ can mean.
1) You tell your ex that you won’t be contacting them and that they shouldn’t contact you.
2) You don’t tell your ex anything, and just drop off the face of the Earth.
3) You don’t tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply. (potentially damaging)
In my opinion, the most effective forms of NC are 1 and 2. They allow you to heal, as the ex isn’t given any way of providing you with hope (bait) or potentially emotionally damaging information (who wants to hear how great their life is without you?)
When starting NC, it is up to you what you want to say to your ex. Most people seem to say something along the lines of “Don’t call me unless you change your mind and want to give us another try”. It might also help to let them know that the window of opportunity to reconcile (from your perspective) will not be open forever.
You also may want to tell the ex why your cutting them out of your life – tell them it is so you can heal and move on. And in reality that IS why you’re doing it……
Why implement No Contact?
First and foremost, you are removing the source of your pain (your ex) from your life. If they aren’t in your life, they cannot hurt you – it’s as simple as that. And while the loss of the ex from your life in itself is painful, the benefits far outweigh the initial emotional turmoil.
No Contact allows you to get back on your feet and start to feel confident in who you are again. Remember a time when you were single and happy? Well No Contact is going to put you on the road to getting back to that point.
Some may be reluctant to take steps to regain independence, but you are useless to anyone (including your ex if they want you back) if you are unable to be happy with yourself.
No Contact can also serve another purpose, and this is the one that (if you are seeking reconciliation) will probably be used by you as inspiration to keep strong in avoiding picking up that phone or sending that email.
And that is of course, to send your ex a wake-up call and perhaps make them second-guess their decision to end the relationship.
Will No Contact bring my ex back?
Perhaps, perhaps not. There is no fool-proof way to get your ex back…if there were, we would all be using it and would all have our exes back.
There has to be some desire to reconcile inside your ex – NC will not create that desire, but it may certainly bring any underlying doubts they have to the surface. That does not mean that your ex will act on these doubts…but you can be certain that NC will at the very least make them realise just what life without you is like.
Will my ex miss me?
To be honest, it shouldn’t matter – you should be doing NC for YOU. Having said that, it is always easier to stay focussed on maintaining NC if you know that it is having at least some effect on your ex.
So, will they miss you? In most cases (unless you have become a thorn in their side), yes - absolutely.
For those who have exes that want to remain friends: Why do you think that is?
It’s because they want you in their life. Exes very rarely stay friends…so in effect, when an ex asks to stay friends they are essentially saying “I still want you in my life”.
They are not ready to let you go (yet), so by implementing NC you are forcing them to lose you right then and there. NC prevents the ex from using you to cushion the blow of the break-up….by weaning themselves off you slowly.
Without NC you can be certain that once your ex is back on their feet emotionally (helped there by you), that the ‘friendship’ that seemed so important to them at the time will be non-existent.
No Contact is a far better option than staying friends. Being friends causes you pain and allows your ex to heal quicker. NC causes your ex pain and allows you to heal quicker
Not exactly rocket science, huh?
When should I implement No Contact?
ASAP but you must be certain that you can stay strong and stick to it. NC isn’t a decision that should be reversed until you are completely healed. If you keep implementing NC and then breaking it, it sends a message to your ex that you are needy and haven’t got the strength or the conviction to follow through on your commitments. Using NC without being genuinely committed to it is a recipe for disaster – you will break it and look weak. And you if you try to use NC again, your ex will not be too bothered….because “You said that last time”.
That’s why NC should not be used as a ‘shock tactic’ – don’t expect to implement NC and for your ex to come running back to you in a week or even a month. If you use NC, you have to be in it for the long haul.
Will No Contact push my ex away?
If there is hope for your relationship, then no it won’t – it will make your ex think about their decision.
After a few weeks of NC, you’ll probably get worried and start deluding yourself with thoughts like “Maybe they’ve forgotten about me…and maybe they think I don’t still love them”.
If that’s the way you’re thinking, then how about considering this: If you have NC with your ex for a few weeks and then contact them to tell you that you still care…what message does that send?
It says to your ex “I implemented NC to move on and heal…and now 3 weeks down the track I haven’t moved on or healed at all.”
The ex will again know that they can still have you if they want you…and even if they don’t hear from you for another few weeks, they won’t be overly concerned – the last few weeks hadn’t diminished your feelings, so why would the ex think the next few will?
Not a bad little (HUGE) security boost for the ex there, huh? Not to mention a huge step backwards for your good self.
How long will I keep hurting?
For as long as you allow yourself to. Remember, the ex is now out of your life – they cannot hurt you. So if you’re still feeling pain it is coming from within you – not from them.
It is perfectly normal to miss your ex, and by miss I mean that some days will be almost unbearable.
Go out, meet with friends (don’t talk about the ex!) or if it’s late at night think about the things you didn’t like about your ex…and even revisit arguments you may have had with them. If you have to think about your ex, think about the negatives.
Thinking about the good times is pointless – there is no possibility of having them back at the moment, and to dwell on what you once had is ultimately self-destructive.
Ideally, you should be doing your best to not think about your ex – do whatever it takes and keep busy. The less you think about them, the less you will hurt. Soon enough, not thinking about them will become normal.
What if the ex breaks NC and calls/emails me?
Two options: Respond or don’t respond.
If you have completely given up hope or don’t wish to reconcile with your ex – ignore the contact and keep ignoring any further attempts at contact. Easy.
If you are seeking reconciliation, then it depends on what the ex says when they contact you.
If they are calling for a ‘catch up’, politely tell your ex that you were serious about NC and that they must respect your decision. This call may come after a few days, a few weeks or a few months. Don’t get into any discussions about yourself and what you’re up to – keep it short, and make it clear to your ex that NC isn’t just a whim….you are serious about it. Remind them, if it comes up, that friendship is not an option.
Make it clear that you are respecting their decision to end the relationship, and now they have to respect your decision to end contact.
If you are seeking reconciliation, you also have every right to question your ex about their intentions if they contact you. Do so at the beginning of the interaction – there’s no point having a great conversation with the ex and getting your hopes up only to find out at the end of the call that nothing has changed. Save yourself the trouble and find out at the start - if their motivation for calling you is anything short of what you are after, terminate the conversation politely…but quickly.
Tips
Remove any photos and reminders you have of your ex from your life. Put them in a box and pack them away. You don’t need things like that preventing you from moving on.
Copy down your ex’s email address and phone numbers on a piece of paper, and put them in the same box. Then delete the email address from your computer and their numbers from your phone.
If you are strong enough to delete their contact details without writing them down, then do it! If not, do the above – it will remove the temptation to contact your ex (especially when you are out having a couple of drinks or at home alone in front of the pc ).
At the end of a relaionship your heart is broken.... only then can you begin to REBUILD the relationship with your ex partner.
How does this work when they ended it but you are rebuilding it without them?
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4answers
1) You tell your ex that you won’t be contacting them and that they shouldn’t contact you.
2) You don’t tell your ex anything, and just drop off the face of the Earth.
3) You don’t tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply. (potentially damaging)
This is all based on if your ex cares. IF they ended it, they very probably don't care or don't want to HAVE to care! Which is EXACTLY how you'd feel if you had to end it too, wouldn't you? Come on people, think here!
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4answers
When starting NC, it is up to you what you want to say to your ex. Most people seem to say something along the lines of “Don’t call me unless you change your mind and want to give us another try”.
Now there is a nice mature way of ENDING IT on your end. But listen to the advice given in this article and you might somehow magically manipulate them into changing their mind. LOL And somehow UNEND what you just ENDED!!! HA HA Are you confused yet -- but wait, there's MORE!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4answers
You also may want to tell the ex why your cutting them out of your life
Oh really? Good to know for yourself, certainly, but telling them this makes you look like a GIGANTIC fool... because they already beat you to it! I mean if you told me that after I broke up with you LOL ... I'd be yelling as I walked away, STILL AREN"T LISTENING TO ME, ARE YA MEATHEAD????
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4answers
First and foremost, you are removing the source of your pain (your ex) from your life. If they aren’t in your life, they cannot hurt you – it’s as simple as that. And while the loss of the ex from your life in itself is painful, the benefits far outweigh the initial emotional turmoil.
Let's be real here. What's good for the goose is good for the gander --this is why you BOTH should be doing this one. Its far more difficult to heal with contact -- ask ANY divorced parent about that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4answers
No Contact can also serve another purpose, and this is the one that (if you are seeking reconciliation) will probably be used by you as inspiration to keep strong in avoiding picking up that phone or sending that email.
Article speaks with forked tongue -- didn't it just say not to use NC for this purpose??? Didn't you just say to your ex that you are cutting them out of your life to move on??? Oh I forgot, you are secretly trying to win them back, shhhh. LOL
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4answers
There is no fool-proof way to get your ex back…if there were, we would all be using it and would all have our exes back.
But go ahead and try this whole rigamarole any way since you only have tons of time and personal esteem to lose here not to mention the drive and determiniation of the truly desperate. It stands about as much chance as the proverbial snowball, truth be told. And while we're at it, can I sign you up for a free lifetime membership in the fabulous "Friends of Psychic Network" that costs only $99.99??? Its a ground floor once-in-a-lifetime weekly opportunity your deceased relative told us you would NOT want to miss!! And our psychic said you might get your ex back too!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4answers
There has to be some desire to reconcile inside your ex – NC will not create that desire, but it may certainly bring any underlying doubts they have to the surface. That does not mean that your ex will act on these doubts…but you can be certain that NC will at the very least make them realise just what life without you is like.
Now we see the slippery slope this whole article lives on. I would like to hear the specifics to this part. What doubts, what surface, and what actions might they take? But nevermind if any of that fails... look how powerful you feel making your ex really feeeeeeeeeeeel the loss, huh???
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4answers
Will my ex miss me?
To be honest, it shouldn’t matter – you should be doing NC for YOU.
Wait, didn't we just hear how we are doing it so they can miss us and feeeeeeel the loss? Okay, which is it now or at what point in reading all this will I begin to feel manipulated by the Dr Hook Medicine Show tactics in this article?? You got me so I can't tell if I am coming or going- yikes!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4answers
No Contact is a far better option than staying friends. Being friends causes you pain and allows your ex to heal quicker. NC causes your ex pain and allows you to heal quicker
Hmmmm, could selfsihness like THAT be why you were dumped to begin with??? Well, if not then NOW is certainly the time for it. LOL
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4answers
That’s why NC should not be used as a ‘shock tactic’ – don’t expect to implement NC and for your ex to come running back to you in a week or even a month. If you use NC, you have to be in it for the long haul.
That's cos' manipulating people who no longer trust you takes A TON of effort. LOL Its only you who doesn't know that you don't trust an ex. DOH!
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4answers
After a few weeks of NC, you’ll probably get worried and start deluding yourself with thoughts like “Maybe they’ve forgotten about me…and maybe they think I don’t still love them”. If that’s the way you’re thinking, then how about considering this: If you have NC with your ex for a few weeks and then contact them to tell you that you still care…what message does that send? It says to your ex “I implemented NC to move on and heal…and now 3 weeks down the track I haven’t moved on or healed at all.”
Funny how they never seem to tell you what to expect when it IS working???
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4answers
If you have to think about your ex, think about the negatives.
How 'bout thinking about the whole thing and seeing it honestly. Crikey, you might even LEARN something from it too. Shhhh, I won't tell!
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4answers
If you are seeking reconciliation, you also have every right to question your ex about their intentions if they contact you. Do so at the beginning of the interaction – there’s no point having a great conversation with the ex and getting your hopes up only to find out at the end of the call that nothing has changed. Save yourself the trouble and find out at the start - if their motivation for calling you is anything short of what you are after, terminate the conversation politely…but quickly.
Let's face it, most people hear there is no chance of reconciliation, if they hear from them at all. So if you are going to invest a huge effort in doing something that amounts to a one-sided attempt at reconciliation with techniques that are questionably deceitful, please weigh how long the odds are of it even working .... or better yet, what it says about that partner of yours on whom it actually works! Now that's scarey.
DANG! I should have done this the first time this crappy mix of fantasy-based con game invented by Eddie Haskell showed up.
Damn... you picked that apart Val... I guess though that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs... and there are probably hundreds of millions of essays written about this topic... all saying something different.
I obviously feel strongly about the article and its philosophy. Maybe its that I hate to see hurting people get hurt all over again when they hold out hope, get questionable advise that plays on that hope unfairly, and then takes forever after a lot of effort on the good people's part to learn .... their ex just ain't coming back. Ya know? Something kinda crappy about that one for me. I think this stuff is designed to sell books and make someone money more than it is to heal relationship problems.
If there is nothing else this whole topic should be telling everyone looking at it, it should be this:
In this day and age of information, it is very very important to check the sources of your information, preferably have multiple sources of information, view the information as objectively as possible and try it on WITH YOUR OWN EYES OPEN about how the world confirms it as accurate or not. This is the very basis of fundemental discernment and without it -- YOU WILL BE PLAYED THE FOOL.
I obviously feel strongly about the article and its philosophy. Maybe its that I hate to see hurting people get hurt all over again when they hold out hope, get questionable advise that plays on that hope unfairly, and then takes forever after a lot of effort on the good people's part to learn .... their ex just ain't coming back. Ya know? Something kinda crappy about that one for me. I think this stuff is designed to sell books and make someone money more than it is to heal relationship problems.
Ah well as I said on the other thread, I like hope alright. LOL It just damn well better be grounded in reality since pipedreams waste my time and hurt my heart when I find out they aren't real.
Well, if not then NOW is certainly the time for it. LOL
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