I'm in NC mode right now and I think I can safely say that I'm not the only one who is constantly trying to fight urges to break the rules. So I thought I'd make a thread to discuss the problem and possible solutions.
The "LIST":
1) Keep busy with schoolwork or work
2) Catch up with old friends
3) Join the gym
4) Make new friends
5) See family
6) Do new/old activicties
7) Go back to your old hobbies
8) Find new hobbies
9) Re-read the advice that we receive from this site to refresh our memory of why we are in NC in the first place
10) Block and delete him/her from ALL social networks, IM and email
11) Change your phone number
Let's say we already follow everything on the list. But even if we are busy 24/7, there will still be moments, such as when we are cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, travelling to work/school, brushing your teeth, etc., when we are alone and can't help but think about the other person. Then what?
The solution I can think of is to refer back to the "LIST," stay strong and give yourself more time. Simple enough right? Very easy to give this advice to anyone. I'm sure this works for many people. (Just so that I don't sound like a hypocrite, I gotta admit I don't have time to find a new hobby and I haven't changed my phone number).
BUT it's not working for me. I keep telling myself that the missing ingredient is "time." I've been on an off NC for the past few months, but as you know, every time you contact them again, the healing resets. The latest NC has been 3 or 4 weeks. The pain either stayed the same or gotten worse for the past few months. The only difference I can feel is that I am better at hiding it in public. The saddest part of all this is that I've never even dated this girl. I've had a relationship lasting 3 years and another for 2 years, but never felt so much pain before.
This thread doesn't have to be about my problem only. I was hoping we could share NC stories so that we don't allow each other to give in...
I've been on an off NC for the past few months, but as you know, every time you contact them again, the healing resets.
Tell me about it.. I didn't know about NC, really, and managed to drag my break-up out over a period of four months. Maybe it's that trial run thing. I think the worst part is, maybe we could have been friends, in time, but now there's so much pain there, I'm not sure I wouldn't just flat-out drop to the ground and curl up in a ball if I ever saw her again.
Oh, and the torturing ourselves. Tell me about it... What's up with that..?
Tell me about it.. I didn't know about NC, really, and managed to drag my break-up out over a period of four months. Maybe it's that trial run thing. I think the worst part is, maybe we could have been friends, in time, but now there's so much pain there, I'm not sure I wouldn't just flat-out drop to the ground and curl up in a ball if I ever saw her again.
Oh, and the torturing ourselves. Tell me about it... What's up with that..?
We all learn somewhere. The toughest part is accepting the fact that we need to go in to NC. It gets tougher and tougher at the beginning and middle of NC, but once it starts getting easier, it show that we've made progress.
Another thing is, there's a chance that we might never be friends with that person again. So it's tough to accept that part, which is why some of us might fear to go into NC.
Continuining on what I Wish has stated, most often, after a long period of NC and moving on, we DON'T want to be friends with our ex. I know I don't. I have enough friends, and I certainly don't need her drama in my life.
I agree with KC, I believe Sneezy and I became "friends" with our exes simply because it was less stressful than hearing people talk about how we should talk to them and be friends. SO after I became "friends" with her, it all went away and my ex and I hardly ever talk.
The best thing about NC is that one day, far far away, you will look back and realize how much better off you are. At first, when you go through this break up stuff, it just sucks. No appetite, not motivation to do anything, and of course, no forseeing a better future. But, rest assured, one day, you will wake up, be a better person, and be truly happy knowing that your happiness isn't built upon a dependence for someone else. One day...
I want to second this. Friends and close family members can really help with the no contact. They help us channel our energy towards something else. Helps us with distractions.
So true! Often they also have a wish to protect you and keep you happy...
It just takes time. Period. Your list has a lot of good ideas, and you will be adding to that list as time goes on. Use your friends, family, pets, hobbies, work, gym, etc all to your advantage. When you are alone & bored- SNAP yourself out of it and DO something- laundry, clean your car, make some food, etc.
Try not to be alone as much as possible. Surround yourself by friends that understand- not ones that think your dumb for feeling the way you feel. My friends knew I could go from being in an awesome mood to ZERO within seconds for quite awhile.. and still can to this day and it's been 8 months. But they are there for me, even if there is no more advice to give. Build up your confidence somehow. A lot of times we become so depressed because we don't think we can find someone else.
Make yourself desirable again, and lift your head up. Girls/Guys FEED off others confidence/happiness and attraction is built from this. For months I had people tell me "Dude.. I can see your miserable from all the way across the bar". And I was.. and I had to accept that I was in no way ready to move on, BUT had to continue getting out there and "Fake it till you make it". Eventually your mind/body will accept what has happened, and you will heal.
Breaking NC does set you back.. I'm guilty of doing it all. Whether it was a phone call to her family/friends, checking facebook/myspace/twitter whatever. Driving by places she might be, asking people about her, reading old emails/txts, the list goes on. You just have to try REALLY hard to stop all of it. And THEN things will start to get better. Do NICE things for people who appreciate it, friends/strangers whoever. It will remind you that there ARE good people out there.
And lastly... this may sound horrible but.. you have to remind yourself that HE/SHE is not the person you were in love with anymore as hard as that is to grasp or believe. They have made THEIR decision to not have you in their life, and have moved on. You have to tell yourself "Why in the WORLD would I want to be with someone who does NOT want me or what I have to offer". Who wants to spend their life like that? I don't know about you but i WANT to come home to someone who smiles when they see me, holds me when I go to sleep, and kisses me every morning. I sure as HELL don't EVER want to wonder "Do they really want to be with me? Are they with me because they feel bad? Etc".
1) The advice that we receive in this forum allows us to view our situation from another perspective and can be very insightful.
2) No contact worked in my situation as my feelings for that person was completely drained out of my system. I feel extremely refreshed, almost like a new person.
3) Reconciliation was in my mind throughout the no contact phase, especially at the beginning. But at the end of no contact, reconciliation has been long forgotten and not even considered anymore.
4) As for the possibility of becoming regular friends; I don't even want to attempt a friendship. There 6 billion other people in this world, no point putting myself through all that drama again.
Linear Mode
