I really don't know how to write this because I am literally crying while typing. I just recently found out that my fiance cheated on me with another woman for about two weeks until he realized what a big mistake he was making. To make matters worse I found out the woman was pregnant and had the baby in January 2008. He hid the entire affair and pregnancy until the baby was born and I feel so stupid because I had no idea. He begged for my forgiveness and told me he did not want to be apart of the baby's life. I did not sway his decision whatsoever, but I have to admit that that is what I wanted. I feel like such a bad person because I don't want that baby to have anything to do with our life together. My fiance told the woman from the very moment she said she was pregnant that he did not want anything to do with her or the baby. I decided to forgive him because I love him so much. We have been together since high school and planned to get married once I finished college. We planned to have children of our own and share our joy with our families. I feel so lost, betrayed, and guilty all at the same time because I can't help but feel like I don't want this baby to be apart of his life or my life.
Although my fiance decided to sign his rights to the baby to its mother, his family does not respect his wishes of having no contact. His sister-in-law makes it her business to contact the mother of the child and visit her. This angers my fiance and myself because frankly it is none of her business and she is going against his wishes. How do we get his family to cut ties with the woman and her baby.

Mom of 2

No one can make anyone else do anything that they do not want to do. It is up to your fiance's family to make the decision to keep in contact with this woman and there is nothing that you or your fiance can do to stop this from happening. They are trying to legitimize your fiance's child's life, which I feel is commendable.

It is sad that your fiance made the mistake of getting involved with another woman, only to bring another life into this world. I feel sorry for his child. He can sign away his rights, but that will never change the fact that he has a child that he should be responsible for. You just can't sweep something like this under the rug and think that it will go away.

If you and your fiance want to sever your ties with his family over this, that is your call. But, there is nothing that you can do to make his family ignore their blood relative.

Sorry, but that is the way I feel.

lavenderpurple

Agreed. You cannot force anyone to do anything. It is up to the baby's mother to decide whether her baby's extended family can visit.

You're choosing to stay with a man who cheated on you and would rather abandon a baby to than face up to his responsibilities. Further, he chooses to try to keep even more of the baby's family members from providing their love and support. This might be a good time to assess what is likely to happen should you become unexpectedly pregnant by this man. You still have a chance to dodge this bullet.

JBeaucaire

I know you wanted him to decide this way, but think this through carefully. He had the ability to cheat on you, keep it secret through an entire pregnancy, Father a child and abandon it completely for the sake of "love"...

How can abandoning a child be labeled a loving thing? Can you really do that?

The baby thing and the fidelity thing and your possible marriage are all different issues.

The baby (and her MOTHER) need all the support possible for the next 20 years. He should not only find out if the child is his, if it is he should be doing everything he can to make that child's life as awesome as possible, financially and psychologically. He can never lie to the child about the nature of his relationship with his mother, but he can darn well make that child feel wanted and loved every single day of his life.

BTW, you will take on a huge role in this, too. Hate the sin, hate the situation, but forgiveness is vital and that child should get nothing but love and model behavior from you as well. Forever. This includes how they see you around their mother, too. Hard? Yes indeed, but it must be done.

The fidelity needs to be dealt with. You must forgive him no matter what. Hating him forever is pointless and ruins your future relationships, no need for that. Calmly talk it out and try to uncover the source of the cheating thoughts and the basis for his being able to act on it. After you forgive him, work on the areas of your relationship that you can and eliminate the "opportunity" for him to repeat it.

You'll need to ask for his help on this. This will floor him and go a long way to solving this long term. If he realizes you're in it to stay, but you require his participation in understanding and keeping it from recurring, he may be up for it. You cannot forgive and forget, that is trust suicide.

Alternately, you can forgive him and move on your separate ways. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to stay with him. It just means you don't hate him anymore, which is too much energy to give someone you're not staying with. Think it over.

The marriage can be made stronger by anything you two go through. It can. It's a question of maturity and purpose. If your purpose in getting married is to end all your troubles, well, you're in for a big disappointment. Married people are just as dumb as singles and make dumb selfish mistakes too.

But, being married means you're supposed to already be operating at a different level in terms of error-correction and management. You have a mate to help you recover for the better, watch your back, give you safe harbor and work you through it. Dating people don't really have that assurance. Any mistake can end a dating relationship. But married people have promised to fight it through.

So, if you adopt this as a mindset, you can overcome anything. You overcome by forgiving, by NOT forgetting and correcting the course, together.

talaniman

While I understand the hurt, and betrayal your going thru, I have to question your decision, under those circumstances, as being more emotional, than rational. It will haunt you both, and tarnish any chance of a healthy relationship with this fellow, as he may not want to have anything to do with this child, but he will have to pay child support, rights or no rights. I think a better course of actions would be to let the emotional dust settle, and work together to do whats right for everyone involved. So please take the time to think long term, after you have settled down some. You can't make anyone do anything, and shouldn't try, and isolating from his own family will cause many more problems than it will solve, so please give this a lot more thought, as you cannot resolve these issues, by running away from them, and pretending they don't exist. They will come back to bite you. Don't wait to get a knock at the door, from an angry child that has wondered for years, why his father has denied his existence.

bushg

How dare you to want to punish a little innocent baby for his mistake. Shame on the both of you. That is a problem of this world, the adults in it are so selfish and insecure that they push the needs of little children aside. If it is not enough that your pitiful excuse of a boyfriend has nelgected his duties to this child. You two have the audacity to try and MAKE his family stop seeing their own flesh and blood.

My opinion is that you two need some serious counseling. The both of you have some deep rooted issues. I think I would be concerning myself with my own behavior rather than being on here trying to get viewers to help you manipulate his family.

laFemme

jolienoire

Situations like these really concerns me, especially when A child is involved, How can he say he doesn't want the child when he obviously didn't use protection. What amazes me and from what I gather

you feel the way you do because the fear of being alone you love this man, but he disregarded his love for you when he cheated.

Loving doesn't mean you have to stay with him, and def you should consider what you want as you are willing to give up your boundaries, and moralities for the fear of being alone. ( I bet if you seen this story posted from another woman's perspective I would think your outlook would be different on the situation)
you are willing to disregard the situation as a whole,you don't see the clearer picture. He abandoned you when he stepped out of the relationship, and now he wants to abandon a child, and it is not the mother or child fault. I agree with the above post looks, like he doesn't want to be responsible for his actions. However, if you stated you forgive him, that means you should be willing to accept this new child Unfortanetly he wasn't thinking about you when he was sleeping around, and to keep it from you and to add salt to the wound had a baby out of the deal, it was his lack of fidelity that brought this situation about.. Now if you agree with his decision to abandon the child then be prepared to deal with the guilt that will follow. If you can't see the morality in this take break from him, take time to think, and heal.. If you need to see counseling than do so. It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust. Take this time to think, as much as you need, to absorb it all....I know it may hurt,Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.. Think about it...