I dated this really sweet guy for a year and 5 months. We went no where. I am a single mom of a 3.5 yr old and she saw us bicker a lot. I have to admit we did that a lot b/c I was rotten to him. I was always unsure if he was the one I wanted in our lives. I am the type who always looks way too far ahead in relationships.

So after a long time of crap, he got mean to me as well, using all the things he knew about me against me in arguments and we just got so mean to each other that way. I had to be the strong one and make the break. It was so hard to do. I feel so sad, I feel like I am having physical withdrawals. This whole weekend I can hardly move around, don't want to go outside although I have to do things with my little girl.

The way I broke up with him is awful which leads to my question. I want to know if this was totally wrong. I was meeting a guy that a girl at work kind of set me up with but she was going to be there too. My boyfriend called me to ask what we were doing that night, I said "Nothing with you, I'm so sorry, but I am going out with a girl from work and she is setting me up to meet a guy tonight and I am done with us. My daughter has seen too much crap." Was this too harsh? Should I have left that part out about what I was doing that night? It's just that I have broken up with him once a week and he never takes me seriously.

I feel so guilty, why did I have to mention that I was going out to meet a new person when he was calling me to make plans to take me and my kid out? (p.s. this has been revised a little, I left out some important details).

Well you were honest if not tactful with him. Apparently the two of you were really not compatible from the start. Once you came to this realization you should have broken it off right then and there, rather than letting it drag on for so long all the while verbally and emotionally abusing each other and allowing your daughter to witness it. A simple "Dear John" speech is always effective, something to the extent of "You're a nice guy but this just isn't working out..."

I don't know who I'm hurting worse for, myself or them. I miss them, I love them. It was mentally unhealthy. They are not grown up at 33, I'm 30 and live an older life w/a daughter. I didn't even feel safe with her in his car because he wasn't a great driver. I needed more security. I am so sad. I don't want to be with him.

I think about what he's doing, I want him to be having fun actually. I hate the thought of him being sad. I hurt for him. I dream about him every night. I feel terrible for leaving. I feel like calling and saying sorry. We had a big plan for this Tuesday for a big milestone for an anniversary in his life and he wanted to spend it with me and I feel so sad for him that I will not be there.

He was actually good with my daughter, but we argued in front her too much.

While I give you all the credit in the world for your honesty and quite frankly I wish more women were honest in the break up I find it strange that you say you weren't meant for each other but didn't have the courage to break it off until someone else came along.

I agree with you. He is much better off with out you in his life.

In your other post you dumped him via the phone and told him you were going out with someone else that night. Don't feed us the BS that he's the one that isn't grown up.

So what is the problem? Your not with him.

Well it's best that he celebrate his milestone surrounded by those that do appreciate and respect him. If you were there it would be for false reasons which are just as bad as not being there.

Sounds like both, as in that includes you, need to grow up and learn that you resolve your problems away from her and in a better fashion that arguing all the time.

Very good response, I should have added that we broke up every week since January. we always got back together. I figured being honest would be more final. But now I feel horrible. I like your advice though. I should have mentioned that important detail.

You have great advice "Chuff". I still feel bad though. He is really nice. But I did break up with him last July and he begged for me to get back together w/him and I shouldn't have. He's not grown up enough. The phone thing...true. I have done it in person 100 times, we always end up in a screaming and swearing (verbal abusive name calling) match.

Then you have basically answered your own question.
You say you want him back even though you are not good for each other.
You say he is not grown up enough.
Someone needs to be the grown up here.
So walk away and stay away.

If you have been breaking up every week since January this whole thing sounds more like an addiction to drama or having someone then a relationship. Before dating anyone else, I think you need to figure out what kind of man you are looking for first. Once that is established you then need to figure out what kind of man you will allow into your daughter's life once YOU have determined the man you are dating for several months is the kind of man you should be dating based on what you are looking for. There is enough drama in life, you or whoever your dating don't need to start anymore.

While I won't give him a pass on everything in this relationship, you're the one here looking to better yourself. Step one is admitting that you have some growing up to yourself. Screaming and swearing in front of your child, or a child that isn't yours for that matter is immature and disrespectful. If he's not grown up for you, then you have grow up for yourself and take the initiative. You have done that, the relationship is over. Move on to another person that truly is grown up and likewise be prepared to act that way yourself at the first sign of problems not months later.

Thanks so much. I needed to hear this from an objective point of view. So true :-)

I created a man plan when my daughter was a few months old, I read some book. This guy fit the looks and that was it, so I left him after a short while. I took him back and here we are now. So much wasted time.

I know exactly what kind of man I want for my daughter and I. To tell you the truth I could take or leave a man. This new one, who really isn't a "new" man b/c I don't really talk to him or see him, don't care if I do...But this new one kind of fell into my lap. I am not jumping into anything. I am happy being with my daughter with no guy. I wasn't even looking for this last one. All my life they have always just kind of come along.

Before I had the man plan they were always idiots. But the next one, it will take several months for him to get close to me and especially my daughter. You know, my kid never even asks about my ex. I never really let her like him. Because I always knew he wasn't for us. But I hope I didn't make her cold to men. Ahh the mess of a single mom :)

For starters, stop making yourself wrong here because it doesn't provide for anything at all. By making yourself wrong you are simply feeding into your head that you are bad and wrong and no good and everything is your fault. Ok, so it didn't work but you are taking responsibility where you need to. I give you credit for that.

I too just broke up with my boyfriend and had a similar experience where our last talk started sincere, caring, warm and understanding and then went array. Name calling happened and we just started talking nasty to each other and blaming one another.

What I got out of that call was how much I was mad because I didn't get what I wanted when I had an expectation and so I did what I thought was right and that was to name call to hurt him because I was hurt. I did apologize and he did email me back to say he understood but that he was terribly hurt by my words. Do I feel bad... not as much any more because what's done is done. I now have to accept how the conversation went and move forward. Look at how I behaved and learn from that. I did try to " clean up " my mess with him (meaning how I spoke to him).

For you, maybe if its eating at your conscience " clean up " with him too. Make it clear that your position still remains the same to be broken up with him, but that you saw that that way of communicating wasn't powerful and effective and wasn't with love and understanding. And however things go with the conversation, just be with it. Even if its yucky. He might need to vent back to you.

Sometimes what we all forget in relationships is that we chose this... I chose what I chose, you chose what you chose. We also have to remember that we are not perfect and we make mistakes that's why were human.

Good luck.

You say you don't care either way; man or no man but your looking for a man (husband) for your daughter's sake. You also mentioned you look too far ahead when dealing with a new relationship. Girl oh girl, boy oh boy as kind and careful as you are and with normal interest in how a man will fit into your plans there's a thing called overloading the electrical outlet. Do to the nature of human relationships it may not be in the best interest of your family or partner (husband) to use a set of guideline and rules. I am not a therapist but would not delay seeing one. The best may come when you are not looking. Best wishes.

I am saying...If a man comes along, well he better fit my criteria b/c I do have high expectations. If one does not I am fine with that.

When I date someone, I prefer it to be serious instead of nonchalant. I am not a desperate woman, I don't need some random guy around once in a while to make me feel good. If someone stumbles upon me, it will be hard to live one life with my kid, and a separate life with him. I have her full time. So I look at the future and what he has to offer us.

I had that one relationship as a mom and it was very tough. Today my therapist told me that 2/3rds of these kinds of relationships do not last forever so I am not in a rush, I figure my romantic life can continue when she's grown.

That's all.

Well I may not be a professional but I don't think your little girl should have to experience this especially if it disturbs her. I think you are doing what is right for your child's growth and development. The question is whether to let him see her if you feel so bad. That would be a start... But anyway... I know the guilt feeling and the feeling of emptiness. But it'll take time to decide what you really want. If you attempted to break up with him so many times and you finally were emotionally ready to go through with leaving him, the nit probably was the right choice. It seems to me like you and him would get back together just to end back up in another argument that left your night ruined and finally you were stronger than most women and realized it needed to end. Maybe if he really cares for your daughter, and you really trust him with her, and it won't interfere with any new relationship, maybe to ease your guilt... You can let him see her. I'm not saying that is the best way but it depends on how he'll take it. I hope even though its about the 100th post, that I could suggest anything that you may see as rational to help you feel better about leaving him.

thank you :-) it's getting a lot better every day

I have dated my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We fight all the time because he can't spend enough time with me because he has to stay home with his dogs. He can't sleep over my place as much as I want him to. It drives me crazy. I see him 2 or 3 times a week and twice a week when I don't have my daughter for the night I sleep at his place, which I hate. I am finally at the point of breaking up over it. What do I do?

You may not like this but here goes. I think you are being a bit self centered. He is dedicated to his dogs, That shows that he is a good person that takes his responsibilities seriously... that should make you happy.
You see him 5 times a week and he spends 2 of those nights with you, to me that is a lot of time. Surely you don't want him spending the night with your daughter there.
Do as much as possible with your daughter. To soon she will be all grown up, cherish these times.

Thanks and I have looked at the dog situation this way for along time. In fact this is one of his wonderful traits, that he loves animals and children too. But I guess my main concern is, is he even interested in me. He always has an excuse not to see me because his dogs will be sad and miss him. Yet supposedly he loves me so much. Well one of his dogs (he had two) passed away 6 months ago. He was very devastated. Two Saturdays ago was the 6 month anniversary. He stayed home that whole day, I didn't hear from him, I didn't bother him, and I knew he'd be sad so I waited for him to call me. Besides, the next day was my birthday. Well the next day, the day after his dog’s 6-month anniversary of passing, and my birthday, he didn't call me. He was too depressed. I was embarrassed to call him because it was my birthday. He should call me, right? I waited all day, no call. It was strange. I didn't speak to him for a week. He called me this past Sunday, said sorry, and that he got a puppy. He got the puppy the day before my birthday. So on my birthday, he sat home all day with a new puppy, and never called me. I still never got a happy birthday, a belated card, nothing. He has been trying harder in the past week to spend time with my daughter and I and do fun things with us. But yes, after she goes to bed I do want him to stay over 2 or 3 times a week. He leaves before she wakes up anyway. So I think maybe I've had it. I think this has been the underlying issue all along, he neglects me.