Hey, I'm new to this site and I know my problem is nothing compared to the other ones but this site seems so helpful and understanding. And I definetly need help.

I've been with this girl for 2 months (I know it's nothing but it's something to me) and she means a great deal to me. I've been with plenty of girls but I've never been so lifeless, empty and lonely. I was never the good b/f. I'm insecure and over protective cause its my first opening up, usually I hide away so I wont get hurt but this time I gave in all. I don't throw the word 'love' around but I love this girl. When I'm with her, I feel like I'm on top of the world. Anyways, I noticed she acted distant with me the last couple of weeks and I pointed it out to her and she said I was just thinking things again. We got into an arguement and I broke it off with her, she came to my house around 2 am crying. I took her back in my arms and next night, we broke off again cause of my actions. I accepted it, thinking I could do it without her cause I've done it heaps of times before with the other girls but I couldnt. I wanted her back and did many things to win her back. I bought her gifts, went to her work, gave it to her and stayed right in front of her work in my car for 1 and half hours, pulling faces and writing 'I love you" on the car window fog. She was fine, she giggled and smiled the whole time. But she's told me she needs space, and wants to focus on studying cause its her last year. I didn't accept that cause I thought she was seeing someone new. Anyways, she hasn't. I just want her back but I can't. She's made up her mind. She still says she loves and misses me, I know she does. Its genuine when she says it to me but I'm confused and don't know what to do. Should I wait for her or just move on? She said she'll be free around December but she doesn't know if we can give it another try. She says time will tell. Which is understanding at times but sometimes I just want to get away from her. We went to the movies today. We kissed, cuddled and held hands. When I went away from her, instead of sitting close to her in the movies, she asked if I was okay and why I was so far from her? What does this mean? I'm so lost and don't know what to do. I test her by talking about these other girls who likes me but she just says go date them. I dont know if its out of jealousy or she wants me to move on. I asked her if she was happy and she said she wasnt when we was in the relatonship but now she is. She also says she misses how we used to be, when we first started dating and she does miss how we hanged out. Sorry if I keep repeating stuff. I just can't think straight. Someone help. I'll appreciate it. Should I wait or go? Shes worth it I know but I'm afraid of the outcome, I suppose.

BMI

Hey inertia,

Only reason I mention the last line is because it sounds as if the person leaving is making a mistake.

talaniman

I think until you have been thru the experience of dumping someone, who loves you, then its hard to understand that it sucks to dump someone, also.

inertia

It most certainly does (I have). Although the guilt of hurting her slowly eroded into resentment when she wouldn't take no for an answer. I had to change my phone number to cut those ties. I also stayed single for a year because I didn't have the energy for a relationship (having given it all that I could). Having said that, getting dumped is what hurts the fragile ego. Dumping is stressful because you don't want to inflict pain on someone you care about (especially knowing how that pain feels). Not once though, did I attempt to keep her around to prevent loneliness. Worked out in her favor, she moved on pretty quickly and is happily married.

inertia

If they are trying to keep you around on a leash, then making a mistake letting you go is a concern of theirs. If they haven't completely left your life despite ending the "committed" relationship then I think it's important to finalize the deal. Maybe next time, if they aren't sure, they will communicate a bit more with their partner realizing that breaking up with someone is indeed a permanent solution and not a temporary reprieve. I'm really only addressing the dumpers who give mixed signals. Yes, they are confused, but they are tormenting someone who loves them deeply. That's the mistake. Be sure you want to end it before you end it.

BMI

Wonderful. When put like that I have no objection inertia, thanks for the thoughtful posts.

inertia

(Why am I so talkative today?)

Here is a fundamental difference between people such as myself and a lot of our exes. The kind of exes that bring people to this board.

If I don't love someone anymore, I don't want them to love me.
If a girl is interested in me and I'm not, I gently close myself off to them a little bit. Yeah, it sucks to act a little cold, but they seem to forget pretty quickly and I don't have to feel guilty for leading them on.

Why do some people need to cultivate the opposite sex's attraction even though they aren't interested? Why tease? I'm no talking about harmless flirting. I'm talking about someone developing true romantic feelings. You can tell when those eyes change. I actually get just a little mean until those eyes go back to normal (again, when I'm not interested). Am I the weird one?

talaniman

After being dumped a few times, I started seeing, it was me that was allowing them to live rent free in my head and heart, and putting up with their BS.

It still sucked, but I learned the hard way.

inertia

It sometimes takes a while to see through the BS though. I'm a pretty observant person, but I have been fooled on more than one occasion. Years ago (like 10), I was infatuated with a girl who called me 3 times a day. Spent the night several times a week (no sex because I wanted a commitment first(I was idealistic)). Listened to "you're the most important person in my life", "let's get married if we are still single at 30", "you're everything I'm looking for" etc. She had a million reasons for why we couldn't be a "couple". All seemed understandable at the time, (in my youthful ignorance I thought, why would a girl say this stuff if it wasn't true?). I wasn't needy or anything, didn't ask for those kinds of promises. I was just a good listener, fun to be around and I wasn't demanding anything from her. Turns out, I was a rebound. After 3 months, she started getting serious with someone else. I still hear about her (same college friends). She still refers to me as one of her best friends from college, which 10 years ago would have insulted me, but I have long since forgotten how much I think it really hurt me to be used like that. I recovered pretty quickly as 3 months isn't long at all, but I remember the lesson well. Unfortunately, Every new girl brings a new lesson. I'm either relationship retarded or it's the steepest learning curve of all time.

anewday

I think that it's pretty steep! But that depends on how compatible you are too, as some people get lucky within a couple of relationships.

I always find it hard to break up with people that I've cared about & loved before. I think that it's much harder to be the dumpee though, especially if it was a surprise and you really thought that you had something good going. Or the communication was plain poor, and the relationship may have lasted if you were both less naive.
Looking back, I have a lot more respect for the ex's that I've dumped who've stayed NC after the relationship. I've even become vague friends with them again, and we can have quite amicable conversations. It'll never become a "proper" friendship though, as there is that history there, and the defenses will probably always be there.

I don't think that being "friends" straight after a relationship ends helps anyone to move on, on either side. If one rebounds, then it'll always hurt the other person, no matter what the dumping situation. Frienship can be achieved later on though, but really only when both sides have healed, and both sides what to keep that contact alive.

jlove09

I understand where all of you are coming from but I'll think I'll try something different and see how the story ends. I'm sure I can look after myself even though it may hurt at times. And I'll get back to this and see if it worked just being friends with her. See, if she'll come back around in time.