ok, this is going to be pretty detailed. so i was with this girl for a while, we broke up and have since dated other people. we havent been in a relationship for over 2 years. i hadn't spoken or heard from her (no email, text, nothing) for over 1 year.
so to my surprise, she called me. (a new number i hadnt given her.. she asked an old mutual friend of ours to get it). then she visited me 2 days after calling me, saying she wanted to see me because she missed me. she drove over 3 hours to see me. when she was here she said she still loved me, we had sex multiple times, in multiple places. then she left the next day. it was like a 24 hour dream.
she also said she didnt want to lead me on or anything. well, since we've broken up there hasnt been much time that goes by without us contacting each other, saying we still love each other etc,. that year had been the longest. the day before she called me, i too was thinking about her. i believe we have a solid connection, unmatched by even other partners ive loved, and maybe think she felt my yearning.
she confirmed this by saying i am the best, and she'll always love me, etc,. she said she wants to raise my kids. she invited me to go with her traveling. she said she wants to still meet up with me when we're 50, etc,. etc,.
my question is multi-parted:
1. why can't she settle down?
2. will we always meet up annually for a short love affair? (this has been a pattern)
3. are the lovely things she says simply owed to the heat of the moment?
4. why am i such a sucker for it?
ive told her before to not contact me, changed my number, etc,. but she obviously wanted to! what the hell?
1. She doesn't settle down because that's who she is. You can't hope or wait for her to change, because chances are she won't.
2. That's your choice. Since you're conflicted I would say that NC went down the tubes when you met up for this "love affair". If you want to put yourself through that torture annually then by all means.
3. Yes they are owed to the heat of the moment. If you have such a "solid connection" why do you only speak once a year? You're getting used for sex buddy!
4. Because you allow yourself to be a sucker for it. I don't know why after one year of NC you cannot say "NO" on the phone to her. What's the point of changing your number and telling her not to contact you when you cave like a fat kid at a donut shop?
My guess is she has these "love affairs" with more than one person. She seems to get her rocks off traveling places, bumping uglies with exes, tugging on their heart strings, and leaving.
2. will we always meet up annually for a short love affair? (this has been a pattern)
Sounds like that's what she wants. So if you're ok with it, then play her little games. Otherwise, stand up for yourself and refuse her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by yepitsme
3. are the lovely things she says simply owed to the heat of the moment?
When she says she "loves" you, take it with a grain of salt. You're over-analysing every word that she says. You can't take it so seriously because she's obviously not entirely serious when she says it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by yepitsme
4. why am i such a sucker for it?
Only you can answer that. But my guess is that you have low self-esteem and low self confidence. You're going to have to work on that yourself. But if you need, go seek professional help such as a therapist or counsellor.
Quote:
Originally Posted by yepitsme
ive told her before to not contact me, changed my number, etc,. but she obviously wanted to! what the hell?
When you pick up and you hear her voice. If you don't want to hear from her, then tell her you're busy and hang up. You're the one allowing her to play these mind games on you by staying on the phone. If she wants to visit, tell her you're busy and you have no time for her.
Sex is fine and dandy when there aren't any attachments. Quit giving her sex and then find out who she really is and how bad she really wants you. You want a clearer picture, then you shut your legs and think with your other head!
1. why can't she settle down? Doesn't want to. why should she if she is doing what she wants?
2. will we always meet up annually for a short love affair? (this has been a pattern) Until she settles down with someone.
3. are the lovely things she says simply owed to the heat of the moment? Of course they are, DUH!!!!!!
4. why am i such a sucker for it? Cause it feels good at the time.
Quote:
Ive told her before to not contact me, changed my number, etc,. but she obviously wanted to! what the hell?
ha. everyones right. it does feel good at the time. that's the problem. i've even cheated on other partners to ---- her. i guess ill get some counseling. thanks everyone!
The thing that strikes me is after a year she drives 3 hours to have sex with you multiple time. Sure, I too would like to think I was that good but I'd wager she's done this with others.
Also, the fact that you have no problem meeting up with her after a year and boing the business shows, to her at least, that your there whenever, wherever. I know the initial reaction would be to feel that good old "i'm the man" feeling, but I can't help but think she's the one in control.
BMI - maybe i truly don't care and am ok with just sex. i just wish i could have it more often. it really is the best i've ever had. when with other women, i always feel like theres something missing. i dont want to settle down with a woman i'm not fully interested in because i know that'd be unfair. i guess i'll just wait for someone just as or more spectacular but i tell you - the bar has been set very high!
Although if that were all you cared about than what's the question?
Just think about what everyone here has said, these guys/girls have wisdom and experience that can get you to the right answer regardless of your situation. Heck, they can even see things you cannot, at times it's eerie. Once you find out what you want you'll be able to adjust accordingly.
You already knew the answers to the questions you posted and maybe you should have asked her just for fun.
The thing that was odd to me was that you said "she will gladly continue doing what she is doing even when your 50". Didn't bells go off in your heads?
Then you cheat on any female your with just because she comes along. Then you say you and her have a connection--where? I just see the two of you connecting on a sexual level, nothing more.
Next time she shows out at your door it isn't hard to close to it. Or you can continue the way the things are and keep fooling yourself by saying you really don't care and your all about the sex.
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