Hello all!

This is my first time posting, and I need some advice on this roller-coaster relationship I am having. First off, background info: I am a mid 20's female, who just got back into dating in January 2009 after a bad three-year relationship.

My dilemma starts with a man I started dating six or seven months ago. Everything started off great (as it always does, right?) in the first few months, I was really excited about meeting such an awesome person. After a few months and a few vacations together I find out that he is still dating other people, and even has an online dating profile that he never mentioned. All of this wouldn't be a problem if we hadn't been talking on the phone every night for hours and texting back and forth all day. To me, I felt like this was going somewhere, and I got completely blindsided. I took a few steps back and realized we never actually went "exclusive," so I asked him about it. He said he wasn't ready, and basically wasn't sure about our relationship and wasn't ready to commit yet. So I backed off again and gave him time. Eventually we start hanging out as much as possible, spending the night, etc. I ask him again and this time he says he is not dating any one else and has no interest in it. It takes him another month to actually call me his *gasp* girlfriend.

I guess one thing I left out is that he is a successful young-30's man who has had several heartbreaks (who hasn't?). I think at first my age was an issue to him but we have seemed to move past this.

Now, past the six month mark, we spend as much time together as possible, I practically live at his house, have a key, etc etc. We do everything together, except talk about where this is going. Every time I bring up any serious conversation about our relationship or the future, he freezes. Its gotten to the point to where I want to shake him and scream and throw things, but instead, ignore the feeling and put on my happy face, because he truly does make me happy.

Another thing is that the sex has almost completely dried up. We spend 4 or 5 nights a week in the same bed and there is nothing happening anymore. Talking about it, he blames stress... but I feel like the sexual spark has died. We are like an old married couple, but even old married couples need to have sex right? Is this a problem that can be fixed? Or is he really not attracted to me and getting it somewhere else? If so, why would he still be dating me? I feel like sex has become a chore, and I am too young and like sex too much for this to be my reality.

I haven't met a guy who does the things that he does for me. It's all the little things... they really do add up. However sometimes I feel like he is on autopilot, just falling back into the routine he had with his 5-year gf... and I am just this replacement body until he finds someone he is actually attracted to. He tells me that this has been one of the best and most honest relationships he has ever been in (define: honesty), and seems to want to be in it.

So. Do I confront him (although I feel like I've made a pretty big attempt already), or am I just pushing things to fast? I know what I want, and it hurts to have someone hesitate, and hesitate, and then finally give in... I feel like I am playing tug-o-war and we are finally at a standstill. Or, should I stop digging this hole that I am in and move on?

I can't get past this... I need some advice, or kind words! I know the story is rather jumbled and there is a lot more to it, so feel free to ask questions.

-K

kristina4495

Stringer: So do you mean that he already has what HE wants, so there is no point for him to make any further moves? Is that a good or a bad thing in your perspective? Where does that leave me?

Are you saying I should or shouldn't shove him to find out the truth?

Stringer

While I agree that six months is not a long time, issues have developed that seem to concern you a lot. If they go unattended to, they will show up in another form that will not be productive and will undermine the relationship. The difference is that you and he are apparently not seeing it in the same way.

Although personally I like 'clearing the table' in relationships, I can see his position as I said prior. For some reason, he has a different posture/position.

I know that it is easier to offer an opinion when not emotionally involved however I know that if physical and emotional needs are being met then one may just say to themselves why would I want change? Commitment happens when you want it.

In my opinion, if he truly was 'committed' he would want to move this forward also, he doesn't appear to want that. Sorry, I know that you love him.

After my divorce and before I met my lovely wife, I dated for many years. Some of these relationships were somewhat 'committed' in that I dated no one else, but honestly even after a year or so with any of these women I would ask myself 'is this the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with?' And even though I believed that I loved them and that we 'worked' my answer was always...'no.' And then I/we decided to end it (some are still friends).

When I was introduced to my wife I knew it would be something real and very special. How? Lord, I don't really know how to put that in a short sentence, but I knew she was it.

So maybe what I am saying is....does he feel this way? I think that you need to find out.

Stringer

kristina4495

Hey Stinger-

Thanks for your words of wisdom. I think you really understand where I am coming from.

Here's the thing: I have been in a few long term relationships as well, and just like you said, I always loved the person and we got along just fine, but I knew I didn't want to be with them for the rest of my life. Its completely different with this guy, I just KNOW. That doesn't mean I want to shove marriage and family down his throat, hell, I 'm not even sure if I want kids. But I'm like you where I just want things out on the table, plain and simple. If he doesn't feel the same way about me, then fine, but allow me to move on and meet someone who does.

I guess the easiest thing to do would just be to suck it up and ASK. Like you said, it seems like he doesn't feel this way and that sucks, but at least I will know. I just don't want to push him away.

Stringer

The two 'bolded' sentences above in your post;

1. Under the present circumstances, he won't.

2. Don't ask, he will stay, it's that simple hon.

But your situation may never change. Sorry, this is how I feel, but I wish you the best.

Stringer

talaniman

Your expectations are way to high for someone you have only known for 8 or nine months.

To much to fast, crash and burn.

The thing is your original posts are all about assumptions, and expectations, that you have, that you have pushed, and even though you have talked for hours, you must not of been listening, or not paying attention when he said he isn't ready for what you want.

Maybe not in words, but certainly not in actions. His history according to what you have written bears that out, but as long as you see things from just your perspective, you will never see his, so its best to slow down, way down, as a matter of fact, stop pushing, and either leave him alone, or let him catch up, at his own pace.

You do this by balancing your life with a lot of other things besides him, and don't get caught up, or carried away by just your own feelings, or the romantic things you do together.

If nothing else, this inability to work together to resolve your issues is a pure lack of communications. Unfortunately, neither of you are mind readers, but are strangers, who have some work to do.

You can't do it by yourself. He has to be willing to do his part, if he is ready. So back off, and give him space to process, and understand what each of you is really saying.

Let him chase you a bit. That means not being so easily available. Communications is what your lacking though. Why??? One of you doesn't listen, and the other doesn't talk.

kristina4495

you're right. i've backed off. and been proven what i thought all along. so thank you for telling me i haven't been listening. b/c i am now.