Is it an emotional affair if the significant other knows about the "friend"? My "friend" doesn't hide me from his woman. He has told her about me and she is uneasy about the friendship, but allows him to continue to have it. She hasn't asked him to stop communicating with me. Me and him are very much in an emotional affair. We talk just about every night until his cell phone dies. He doesn't live with her by the way. If we don't talk at night because I have to wake up in the am, he'll call me from work. He told me that he has never felt this closeness so instantly with another woman. He said he told his woman that too! He has never lied to me, and I truly believe he has told her. They have been together for over 10 years and I know they have a strong bond because he will not have sex with me because he said they made an agreement that as long as he doesn't have sex with me, he's not cheating. But doesn't loving someone else, giving a part of your heart to someone else cheating? Although we don't have sex, we do kiss which is overstepping the boundaries. He claims he even told her that. I don't know how she can be comfortable with this. I guess she trusts him so much and doesn't think he will go anywhere. I on the other hand feel like if this continues with the intensity is has, he will have to make some serious decisions. But he doesn't think he is cheating because he isn't being deceitful. What do ya'll think?

talaniman

I think its you who should be backing off, as he feels fine with the current arrangement. Just because he is honest and up front, if you are uncomfortable then its on you to change things.

loveandpeace

I think hes just not that into you enough to leave her.... do you want him to leave her? He is using you as you give him the attention he needs - hes a man and they want as much attention they can get. My best freind is in the same situation only sleeping with him too. Hes been in a secure realationship for too long and is too scared to give it up 'just incase' at the moment he has the best of both worlds. stop speaking to him for a while - then see what happens. If he truly feels like you are the closest thing then he will do something about it - if he doesnt its not meant to be -w alk away, be strong, give it time.

talaniman

You and he are just friends so whats the problem? Is it that you want more or what?

walg9e

To answer Talaniman's question, yes I do want more. I know in my heart that he will give me the ultimate happiness from a mate. Can I be happy with someone else? Of course, but I don' t think I can have the ultimate happiness with someone else. Why? Because I have never met a man who I am spiritually, as well as emotionally, and just perfectly in sync with. We have too much in common and our values and everything are all in sync. It's like he is me. I've had connections, and they all were based first on sex. Then we got to know each other. With him, we have gotten to know each other first. I just have never felt as deep and close to anyone before. I've never felt so comfortable and safe.

Last night I told him that I finally got it. That he is not willing to put his relationship on the line because of his feelings for me. If his relationship is to end, he wants it to naturally unfold because of other things. I told him he wants his cake and eat it too. I told him he was afraid of the unknown. He doesn't want to end it and then we don't work out. I told him that I have complete faith that we will not fail. I told him that I understood he is scared and the safe way to go is to let it unfold naturally. That's very safe so that you won't be the bad guy. I continued to say that you have hurt me. No matter what you say, how you try to sugar coat it, you have. And you are continuing to. I went on and on checking him on the ridiculous things he has told me and he couldn't do anything but agree. I told him that we are from now on only friends, not ridiculous friends and lovers. For now on there will be no more I miss you, no more I was thinking about you, no more I wish I could see you, no more anything that is romantic or sexual. Strictly friends. I went on to say that I can no longer just be myself, I have to withhold from you now, I have to watch what I say and I wish you would do the same. I don't want to hear anything romantic, or sexual. I told him, I don't know how our conversations can be of any interest once those factors are out of it. They will be sort of dull.

Then I went on telling him that I am willing to accept the way things are now if I had some sort of reassurance that he is at least leaning towards us. Give me something. And when he told me he can't entertain that thought, that just let me know that he doesn't even want to think about leaving his woman. So what am I here for? He told me that I really mean a lot to him. And how I bring happiness and joy to him. And he wants me in his life. He said that if you ask the question DOES he see himself with me in the future, he can't entertain that thought because that is insinuating that that is going to happen. BUT if you ask CAN he see himself with me, then the answer would be of course. He CAN see himself with me. I told him that he is sending me mixed signals. He tells me that he can't entertain the thought of him and I being together, but then he tells me that it would be best to let his relationship naturally unfold as if it is going to do that sometime soon and I should be a little more patient and wait. So I told him I know you think it would be unfair for you to ask me to wait until it naturally unfolds, but this whole situation is unfair. So if you want me to wait you need to ask me. I told him that I have met someone and it wouldn't be fair to him if I am still waiting on you. Now what if you tell me your relationship is over? What if this man falls in love with me or really likes me? How is it fair to him? You are who I want, and if I'm not in love with him, I'll leave him for you. So now I can't even really get involved with someone else because I'll be subliminally waiting for you. Then he said I should be honest with him and let him know what my situation is. I said you sound real stupid! What man is going to want to put his time and energy and feelings into someone who is waiting for someone else? I would feel real guilty hurting someones feelings. So now I have to make a decision as to whether I should get to know him and risk not having you because I feel that if I don't keep talking to you and being active in your life, you'll think that I have moved on and then you won't leave her.

Anyway, we went on and on and his phone beeped because the battery was getting low and we only have 10-15 minutes left to talk. I told him he'd better tell me something before the phone cuts off. He then told me that he really cares for me and I mean a lot to him and then he asked if I could wait to see if his relationship will naturally unfold? I told him I will think about it. I told him I am the one having to make decisions, I have to be the one to suffer. He tried to reassure me that I won't have to make the decision on my own. Then the phone went dead. I thought about things and then I called and left him a message saying that I would be willing to wait IF he tells me whether or not his relationship is stronger, the same, or weaker than it was before we met. Because by answering that question, I will know which direction your relationship is going, and that will be the reassurance I need. He hasn't called me today. He usually will call on his way to work, or before work, or at work by now, but he hasn't.

In the meantime, I went to see the gentleman I was talking about before, and he is very attractive to me and I feel a sexual attraction. He wants a relationship, and believes communication is the best way to keep a relationship. I can see myself getting to know him. I should get to know him. I just don't want to start something that I can't follow through with because of you know who. I know I should go on and forget about him. If he chooses to allow me to stray away, that's his lost. BUT I know in my heart that he is my soulmate. The true one I should be with. But If he can't make a decision, then I need to move on. I'll just take it slow with this gentleman and tell him I can't rush into anything. That's a good way to not tell him about my situation, but also to let him know to hold back his feelings and expectations.

I don't know why he hasn't called me. Is he trying to give us some space so he can think clearly? Is he trying to save his relationship and pushing me away? Am I just freaking out? Maybe he was too busy earlier today? I need help.

ordinaryguy

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but all this soulmate stuff is crap. YOU may think he's your soulmate, but HE obviously doesn't. If he did, he'd have left his girlfriend long ago. He's using you for cheap thrills on the side. Cut him loose and move on before he breaks your heart even worse.

shygrneyzs

This guy says that as long as he is not having sex with you he is not cheating. He is so full of malarky and you should be wise enough to know the difference.

You do need to come to grips with the facts - and then move on. There is someone out there who is truly unattached to any other woman. You are denying yourself the right to explore other facets of life and relationships. Find other activities that take you away from that phone and from that man.

walg9e

yes, you guys are right. I know I'm going to move on. No matter how hard it may be, I'll just keep repeating what he said about not even entertaining the thought. That is what will help motivate me to pull back. He called about 30 min. ago with a whole new attitude. I guess he thought about all the stuff we talked about and now regrets having asked me to wait. Because today he's all about it not being fair to me for me to wait for him. So you guys are right. If he truly wanted to leave, he would. So that's it. I'll focus on this new guy and hope that he can get my mind off of him. I need to start going to bed early and erase his # out of my phone so when I do get the urge to call, I can't.

walg9e

"God grant me the courage to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference."