Hi
This is my first time on this site. I'll try to be as brief as possible about my problem. I've had a lot of problems of late and found out my ex of many years has been emotionally abusing me. I didn't realise and have ben told this by counsellors after describing the relationship.

I've now been forced to live back home with my parents. My relationship with my mother I have to say isn't that great. Everytime I meet up with her it turns into an argument. She seems over sensitive to what anyone says and is very argumentative. It feels like if you upset her she's not happy until she's given you full barrel. Anyway my ex first told me that he thought I was being emotionally abused and said that he had been emotionally/verbally abused by his father. I'd never thought about all this before and thought all famillies were the same. Yet he was abusing me himself!

Well since I moved back arguments have started. I'm selfish, only care about myself and what has happened to me, she can't understand how she birthed someone like me etc. My father has joined in and told me I am horrible and my ex has made me this way. I'm finding it hard being back with my parents and I feel I can do nothing right. My mother used to have nasty arguments with her own mother and needed to get away.The trouble is I am beginning to believe what is said is true. My ex has blamed me for everything and the break up. It's been hard to convince myself otherwise. I've been told this is what happens when you've been brainwashed and you lose perception of your own reality. I admit I've been pretty fiery at times myself and have got worse with the stress.

My mother has always said these kinds of things to me though before this and blamed me for their marriage problems and I'm the reason they argue etc. Since finding out about the emotional abuse I've researched a lot and came across how women who were in abusive families tend to go off and have relationships with abusive men. I guess what I want to know is how far is all this normal from what I've told you that I'm exeriencing with my own family/mother? I don't want to sound ungrateful either. They have helped me so much and are caring parents in lots of other ways. Am I being terrible thinking this? I'm trying to make sense of things but sometimes don't know what is wrong or right anymore.

sparrow1

Also wanted to add that they have been extremely supportive in regard to what happened to me with my ex.

peggyhill

Wow! It sounds like you are caught in the middle of a bunch of people with emotional problems! You must be a really strong person to be dealing with that. It sounds like your parents are repeating the verbal/emotional abuse cycle started by their parents. I think some people just don't know how to behave-they have never been taught any better. It sounds like it is in your best interest to move out as soon as you can. If money is tight, maybe you could find someone looking for a roommate or a studio apartment. If you can't move out soon, just try to avoid your mom, and your dad if he is being mean too. Try to avoid the situations that make your mom irritated. Don't pay attention to what they say- it sounds like they and your ex are very unhappy people. Misery loves company. Maybe they are trying to drag your mood down to their level. Talking to a counselor might help you deal with your feelings right now. If you don't have the opportunity for counseling, talk to a friend, boss, neighbor, or (if you are religious) a religious leader. If your ex says things that upset you, ignore him. Don't return his calls. If he tries to come by to see you, tell him you need time to heal emotionally right now. If he was abusive in any way, it is obviously not your fault the relationship ended. Just try to stay busy, keep your head up, and surround yourself with as many positive things as possible. Hope this helps! And remember, never define yourself by what others say about you. The only person who can say if you are a success or not is YOU! Good luck and keep smiling!

N0help4u

I live with a bunch of verbal abuse from lots of people and I know it isn't easy cause they have to have the upper hand and the last say on everything from dishes to where you want to go or what you want to do. It is best to try and not discuss anything with people like that. Especially your dreams or goals or that you want to go out Friday night (unless it somehow DIRECTLY involves them!) Try to tell them little things that are neutral so they can't B**** at you for excluding them out of your life but nothing that will cause controversy or drama.
When they say you are selfish and it must be due to your ex ask them can they help you work through it so that your social skills get back on par. But you feel it would work better if they do so in a positive way rather than a way that puts you down because it makes you feel like he made you feel so they are working against you.
Think of little replies that come off kind but puts them in their place without them realizing it.

KeepItSimpleStupid

Unfortunately, now that you know the potential for friction increases even more. The behavior of your parents is not rational, so it's extremely difficult for "compromise" in this relationship and relationships with others. In your coping mechanism, you have "turned off" your emotions because you had too. You must realize that this isn't your fault and you can't fix YOU unless your out of abusive relationships. You may also gravitate to abusive relationships because you have no sense of your own identity.

In the situation your in, do not do anything that will provoke the behavior. Be cool. Don't raise your voice. Only answer direct questions. Take a walk to cool off.

sparrow1

Thanks all for your answers. They help.
Since all this has happened to me with my ex it's helped me to open my eyes more to a lot of things. He did try to help in his own way but would then criticise me himself for how I spoke, the way I dressed, where I came from. There was certainly class difference and he always tried to portray how much better he was than me. This depressed me and I always felt I was having to put his needs before my own. Things always seemed not quite right and controlling with my parents though too. Yet they would tell me how much they loved me and they do. It's just my mother isn't happy.

I know I need counselling and will eventually go when I've sorted other things out, my job, etc etc. I'm too scared to say too much because I don't want to be identified. I really worry about that. One of you said some people don't know how to behave. That's just what my ex used to say about my parents. It's hard facing up to their shortcomings. I am very much mixed up between what my ex has advised, then what he has done to me (emotional abuse). My parents love and help for me but the verbal abuse they give. The accusations and blame my ex has given me that I am abusive. Yet I would scream out of total frustration with him and just snap. He would say none of it was his fault. I felt like a maid. I just worry so much that what he says about me is right and I am messed up. I don't want to be like that I just want to be happy.