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i have been with my partner for 5 years 3 of which we have been living 2gether and have bought a house with a large mortagage. he is ten yaers older than me and i wanted him form the frist moment i set my eyes on him. so we began a casual relationship which then developed into us being together all the time. he has a child and previously lived with another woman (they has finished about a year before we got together) i have always fancied my man and still do. now living with him he does noithing at all dosnt lift a hand to help with anything, his daughter stays one weeknight and every weekend we never spend any time together, i do all the cooking, cleanming washing etc, but i keep doiing these thinks to make him happy, from i wake up in the morning i am thinking of what i can do for him. he goes out every sat night and I babysit, i know this sounds like i am a real fool but i love him and he says he loves me. When we first started out we had lods of sex, then when we moved in it was really only when he was drinkn, when i asked him he said that he dod not liks my p.js and that i should stop wearing them, which i did, things have not improved and we dont have sex at all, i am sooo depressed all my friends are gerring married and having children , i am soo confused yes i agree that u will sat leave him, but i cant if you can think of an esy way to leave please relpy xx
He seems like he is not thinking of you at all. You are only around to do stuff for him. You seems to need to respect yourself more.
You watching his kid while he goes out? If that is a recurring, that is complete bull imo. He is the parent he should act like one.
Dont put your wants (getting married and having kids) over your needs ( a good caring, two-way street relationship in which your partner cares enough to give you what you need/want)
Other members of the forums will be able to help you with this. I am young and haven't been in that serious of a relationship as of yet. I would just look into self respect and self love topics for inspiration. You just need to do what is best for you and surround yourself with people that want the best for you too.
So I wanted to focus on a couple points of your OP.
"You never spend time together", Now is this because you are both off doing other things when you have free time? What can you do to help facilitate your spending time with him. If you focused on this, making a serious effort, would he reciprocate?
You "do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, ect.." Now, I know why you do this, but do you do it because you want something in return or just because? You said you wake and think of ways to make him happy. On the surface that all seems great, but if you do something expecting something in return, then you don't get that "what ever" you will always have a bad taste in your mouth.
What I think this boils down to is a communication issue. You feel like you give and give with no effort on his part. Do you know where he stands? Find out. I will say this, you can an will find a relationship were its not so one sided. If communication fails you might think of that as a recourse.
OK, we know what we all wish for and want, but sometimes it takes too much money, time and energy to get things moving to reach a goal.
One thing for sure here is that he was never interested in a total relationship! Not with the mother of his child, and not with you. He is a selfish man who never learned to respect a woman and always wants to be in control. That is comfortable for him and he will never be willing to compensate. That is a fact - and you already know that. He needs a housemaid - not a partner - and has proven that to you many times.
Another fact is that no matter what you decide, it will cost money to move and find a place of your own. It will cost you emotions to include the fear of being alone and not finding someone else - even though you know you deserve better. But also realize that it is not right to jump from one to the other if there is no closure - that would be just rebound choices and not good.
Also, you probably don't have the guts to tell him off on how you feel for fear of being rejected even more and being 'thrown out' by him. Honey, he's already thrown you out of the bed, so to speek - no sex, and probably no hugging or words of encouragement and praise while you are ruining yourself to please him and being unhappy.
You know the reality as well as we do, but only YOU can take the steps to change that miserable reality and get some self-respect. So what if you might not find a 'replacement' for him in your life right away - you need time to heal and find yourself and set new goals and finally become independent in your life. Then, when that happens, you will be strong enough to SHARE your life with who you choose, and not the other way around.
You should never put anyone else in the center of your universe! Never let anyone else make decisions for you. That only strengthens him, and weakens you more. Is that what you really want in life?
We can support you and advise you, but nobody can take your hand and lead you on the way. That is something you have to do on your own - and we all know it is not an easy step to take, but a necessary one.
If you have friends that support you, let them help in any way they are able and check what is out there that you can financially cope with until things get better. Sometimes we have to give something up to gain even more - and through you contacting us, I think you are on the way to making that choice anyway. You just need a little positive support and reassurance that you are not alone - well you got it here, dear.
Now is also the time to make a list of pros and cons, goals and choices - and what you are willing to give up and work on. Seeing it on paper eventually will also help prove to you what you need to know about yourself.
Good luck dear, know you are not alone, and keep us posted.
You're entrenched. It doesn't really matter how he treats you, does it?
Everything we suggest you're simply going to say "oh, I just can't do it...it's so hard..." So I won't waste time with suggestions you won't try. I'll do a "state of the union" about you two instead.
I firmly believe you have everything you could possibly get out of this relationship. I believe he is being his absolute best for you when he leaves you to babysit and do laundry and clean up while he goes out. You are receiving his "golden behavior".
You ask if he is your true love or just your obsession. I have to point out that your story indicates he is neither. He is your...um...well...he is your landlord. And as such, it really is inappropriate to be having sex with the help. Since you cohabitate with him filling the roles of maid, butler, sitter and compatriot, he simply cannot see you as anything more than that.
So, I believe there is nothing to be done here. I hope you fully enjoy the security and freedom that comes with your position in this house. I believe you are probably excellent at it or he would have fired you long ago.
Good luck with this career.
======= (hopes you pick up on the secret suggestions on how you should handle this situation, since telling you directly would simply be ignored)
This post, http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...am-202126.html, and and now reading this one. Seems all you have to do is pack up and go. I know, the emotional stuff has you stuck, I see that, but its time to go now, and cry later.
I guess there's no need to tell you what you need to do since many others have already offered you very sound advice. What I'll tell you is things you may need to prepare.
Have you talked to any of your own family members and/or close friends about this? What did they say? And in the case that you do decide to finally move out, are they willing to let you stay with them? If you're working on top of doing all that housework, it should be easier to get back in stride.
Talk to him. Don't be afraid to be a little selfish. Prepare for all possible outcomes and hope for the best.
It's scary to stick up for yourself. Why? you are following the good-girl role of a servant, not your true path as a queen. Queens are loving, kind, nurturing, feeling and fair, and get respect.
We women are almost alway taught to be servants, only good as domestic help, providing sex, looking sexy, giving birth and a second income. We are taught not to say "enough!" They (the powers that run this unbalanced ship) call that complaining!" Yes, for the past several thousand years, we have been lied to. You know in your heart that you are not "less than" anyone. That is why you want to curl up in a ball and cry. Living a lie is painful.
Admitting the truth does not hurt. It's frightening, because you're "less than" and have been conditioned to accept that untruth. You are awesome! And he does not deserve you, at all.
Reach inside yourself and know that you are wonderful! No amount of bad behavior on his part can take that away from you. Take your beautiful self to a new place where you will be fully appreciated and loved.
"And that's enough of your Aunt's feminist rubbish!" The man from Snowy River.
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