When I was 19 I met a boy who I thought could become a good friend of mine... I remember I really didn't have any romantic feelings for him, whereas with previous people it was always almost love at first sight. Within a short time he had fallen madly in love with me. I still didn't feel much of an attraction that way and told him this however he was heartbroken and writing me love songs, all that cheesy stuff. So I suppose I must have felt sorry for him, and maybe been a bit lonely myself, so I decided to give it a go with him and see if anything blossomed. To make matters even more confusing I had been dating women for a while before that and was trying to figure out my sexuality... so part of it was also testing myself to see if I still had feelings for men. I now can say for sure that I am bisexual so this is not because I am gay, its because I simply never had feelings for him.

Cut to a month later and I find out I'm pregnant.

I decided to keep the baby. My original plan was to break up with him, because I had been planning to before finding out I was pregnant, however he was handling the whole thing well so I figured hey why not give it a shot with this guy for the sake of this kid. Now I'm feeling like I should have gotten out at that point before adding the kid into it all.

Our daughter is almost four now and we've been living together since she was born.I never did love him although I have been trying to convince myself that I do for years. Yet every time I say it I know I'm lying to both of us. I've been having these super intense dreams of falling madly in love with someone and feeling that passion and deep connection which we never had and its made me incredibly sad. And I've been having some fantasies about a friend of mine who I feel connected to in a much deeper way- honestly it's the only thing keeping me going these days.

I've considered leaving many times but the only thing stopping me truthfully is my daughter. I know that if it wasn't for her I would have left years ago and it just feels wrong. I feel like I'm wasting my life and I deserve something better. I want to stay for my daughters sake but the thought of spending 20 years of my life with someone I don't love kills me.

But the last straw came several days ago when he admitted to me that the only reason he 'babysits' our daughter while I go to school and meet up with friends is because he figured it would make me want to have sex with him more but that it wasn't working. He told me I was 'abnormal' for not wanting sex three times a week.

I left our home to go to my mothers place and think and I started to realize that nothing I do is good enough for him. I can't think of a single thing that he appreciates about me and now I wonder if he even loves me or he just feels the same obligation to our daughter that I do. He's honestly always complaining about me-that I don't clean well, I'm a bad mother, I don't communicate, I don't listen, I'm terrible at running a household, I'm bad with money and our sex life sucks.

Yet I refuse to believe I am that terrible person he makes me out to be- I had terrible self esteem all my life but only in the past year or so I've gained friends and independence and self esteem and its made me realize that I want someone who loves me and understands me and appreciates me.

Mostly I just needed to write this all down. But any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.