I have no idea where the girl I'm dating wants to go with this. We've been seeing each other for over a month, and recently started sleeping over each other's places about once a week. Her interest level is higher than mine, always initiating our dates and all the physical stuff that comes with it. She pays for her own share and has the qualities I look for in a potential relationship-material and I am starting to have feelings for her.

Problem is, she's admitted to missing her ex, of whom she stopped seeing over a year ago but still remains friends with. The other night we were fooling around and she started crying, saying how she felt vulnerable with me but felt compelled to trust me and let me take her where I wanted us to go. Wierd...

I don't feel like being dragged into something which will only be a waste of time. I'd like to know where she wants to go with this, especially with her residual feelings for her ex.

How can I bring this up? How do I ask?

Gibblets

???

Krs

Well 1 month is still fresh, however address your concerns to her.
Speak to her like you have told us and im sure all will be fine.
Communication is always the KEY

talaniman

After a month, your really not supposed to know where your headed, as your both strangers to each other. Don't you think this is going to fast. You really should be enjoying getting to know each other at this point. I think she is leading you to fast, into something to forget her ex actually, which may make you a rebound, so you had better slow down, and stop following so blindly, and not only get to know her better, but find out how you feel about her more. Don't confuse sex, and excitement, with love. I think you'd be better served instead of jumping in bed so much, find out how bad she really misses the ex. If she was hurt bad and trying to forget, it wont be long before she realizes that she used you to get over him. Back off and listen, and slow this train down, and stop just going along. You have a stake in this also you know.

Gibblets

So you're saying I should ask her about her ex and how much she misses him? That's gonna be very awkward....

I understand that at this point, she is still a stranger despite our physical closeness. And no, I'm not confusing this for love or even like. She could very well be using me for an emotional or physical fix until her and the ex get back together. Or, she could genuinely like me and is just struggling with moving on. So yeah, her intentions could be good or bad- I don't know.

I'm not sure how to bring this up or when. Can somebody help me out with this one?

talaniman

I would hope that by paying attention you would get that information and in no way ask such a question directly, I wouldn't, at least not till I knew her better. In my view jumping into bed at this early stage serves to confuse feelings, and mask infatuations as love.

Gibblets

We're going hiking for a few hours this Saturday so maybe that will be a good time to talk. I don't think I'd ask such a question directly, but here's something off the top of my head that I might say:

"Hey I've been thinking about this past month or so and it's pretty obvious that we both enjoy each other's company. I remember what you said about how you miss your ex so it's clear that you're not over him...so I'm wondering where you want all of this to go?"

Basically I just wanna tell her that it's not about forgetting the ex, but more so about slowly letting go and putting forth a solid effort to move forward into the future. I feel like there's no point in wasting more time with her if she will always have one foot in the past. It's not fair to me or her.

Would it be bad to do this?

And I have been paying attention- she wants to spend alot of time with me, and she doesn't hang out with her ex...just talks to him every now and then. Besides, if she really wanted to be with him, she would. And so would he. If they really wanted each other, what's stopping them? Obviously something is on either side...

But I think it's important that I bring this to the surface sooner than later. I don't see the point of wasting my time...we need to be on the same page. I'm not asking her to committ to me or whatever- just that if getting to know each other slowly is what we both want, we should both be free of previous hang ups. If not, we should stop seeing each other.

Gibblets

ALso, what do you mean by getting to know her better?

diya

I agree with Tal, and what I don't understand is why people don't take time to know
each other. That baffles me no end. Getting to know each other is getting an insight to what the other person is all about and that only the interaction period and time can tell, which you both have not given to each other except having sexual gratification, which has caused all this commotion in your life. When you want to know what the other person wants or thinks,try to observe and be with the person mentally than being physically. I hope I am clear. Don't ask questions, wait, observe her, follow your instincts and trust your gut....you'll soon get your answers.....

Gibblets

So don't discuss the "relationship" at all? Not even to ask her where she thinks it's going?

I think I understand now what you all mean by getting to know her. Let me know if I'm on the right track:

Getting to know her would entail having conversations- some light, others deep- to find out all we can about each other so we can really decide if it is right to pursue each other. Because we've been spending alot of our time in bed and sitting around each other's houses basically doing "advanced couple stuff" we really aren't getting to know each other at all. What we are really doing is acting the part of a couple- but we lack a true foundation. Who am I kissing? Who is this person I am sleeping with? I don't know.

I think I understand now...the sleeping over has to stop, or at least slow down or be accompanied by some good conversation. Pillow talk and kisses and etc mean nothing at this stage- well, it could be anything but good for the two of us.

It's not a problem for two people who already know and like each other to get close physically because it's like the icing on the cake. I don't even have a solid cake yet, and I'm adding all the icing...it will collapse...

Am I on the right track?

If so, I will stop the sleep overs and just have some good old dates with her...