At Ask Me Help Desk you can ask questions in any topic and have them
answered for free by our experts. To ask questions or participate in
answering them you must register for a free account. By registering you
will be able to:
Get free answers from experts in any of our 300+
topics.
(I know that this posting is really long, but please take the time....read it, and respond. I really need this adice.)
Hello. My name is MaryAnna. I recently moved to where I live about 4-5 months ago. I moved here with my now ex fiance. Our relationship went donw the drain dew to him. It was becoming a violent relationship and I have a one year old son. Of course being a mother, I didn't want what was happening to me to EVER happen to my son. So, our relationship (or should I say the lack there of) ended the night that he threw me up against the wall and choaked me 'till I couldn't breathe. Well, I started getting involved with another guy, and he wasn't my usual "type". He was attractive and quite handsome. All of the guys that I have been with where somewhat attractive, but this one was different. In the past two years I have NEVER been "dumped". There was one case that I could sorta count, but we ended back together befor the night was over.But, the guy that I was becoming "more into" lives in my apartment complex and we started spending ALOT of time together. I mean, it has gotten to the point that I was never at my own apartment. I showered, cleaned and slept at his place. I rarely saw my own room mates. We have recently been looking for a house together in the SE part of town. Everything was going really great with the two of us. We have been sexually active with each other for most of our relationship, and I must say that we have/had a great sex life. That was no problem. Here's where I am confused. I dated a guy once upon a time and I havn't talked with him in a long time. I have a profile at a website, and he too has one. He sent me a message and we have been talking ever sense. We have hung out a few times here and there, but I stopped because my current boyfriend had been getting jelous. But only about this ex of mine in particular. I have ALOT of guy friends, so I know that it's not just because he's a guy. I told the guy that I am currently with that I would no longer speak with my ex. The only thing is,....he didn't know that he was even an "ex". He thought that he was just a friend, because I lied and told him that. I saw how jelous he was already, and I knew that that would intensify it. My ex has been trying to get back with me for a while now. I don't want to be with him, and I made the mistake of saying, "If we are meant to be, then something will happen". The guy that I am with now, checked my email one day and found things that disturbed him. It was an email from and to my ex that had been abusing me. I had said "I love you and I want to be with you". I wrote it one night when I had come home drunk from a friends birthday party. I didn't mean it, and the next day when i had noticed it, I wrote him back saying that I didn't mean it. But, my current boyfriend told me that he had read my emails and he said that he was concerned. I told him that I made a mistake and that I had written him back saying exactly that. That is was a mistake. But, back to the long lost ex boyfriend. Ever sense the abusive ex, I told the guy that I am with now, that he could check my emails when ever he felt like he has to. No one should "feel like they have to", but I told him that I have nothing to hide, so... he can read it when ever he wants Well, ever sense I told him that, I have been deleting my emails, my trash, and my outgoing. He had still ben checking it, and he found that I had started doing exactly that. It came across as being sneaky, so he put a program on the computer that keeps record of that I type. I found this out a couple days ago, when he found an email disturbing. He asked me if there was anything between my long lost ex and I and i said no. We're just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. I knew that he had a hard on for me even though he was ingaged to a lady when we ran into each other again. What I want to know is how can I make our relationship better? I have been lying to my current boyfriend, and I want to work it out with him. I havn't cheated on him, but i have lied to him about alot. In my mind, I showed him that I was one person, when I was that person, but I didn't show my flaws. I lied to him because I didn't want to hurt him. I was going to discontiue ALL contact with my long lost ex and I was going to persue my relationship with the guy that I am with. He saw the emails that had wriiten today, and he flipped out because there where my lies in black and white. i even told him that I would discontinue talking to him and I had not. I screwed up hard core and I know I did. I am not trying to "justify" my actions, but I need to know what to do. He also needs to know what to do. If you can post your opinion, I would appriciate it. Be as blunt as you would like. I need true hard core advice. I am falling in love with this guy and tonight he said that he can no longer trust me and there will NEVER be an "us" again. We can be friends, but we can NEVER be together as a couple. I want to be with him, and I think that he might be the one. I am more than willing to do what ever it takes. If it means us not being together and him gaining trust taurds me, then I'll do it. If he wants to do counsling, then I'll do it. We're a newer couple ( we where) and I want to make this work. I know that it's bad that I lied so earlie in our relationship, but I want to learn from it and proceed with what we had and what we may have in the feature. Thank you and like I said befor.... I want honest, blunt comments.
Hi,
I am 63, married first time for 7 yrs, divorced, now married 2nd. time to a wonderful woman for 28 yrs.
We learn from our mistakes, and hopefully, try to not keep making the same ones over and over. Ok, so you lied to him, and you have liked him now for about 4 months?
That's not a very long time to get to know someone. You two have great sex, "live" together in his apartment, and you think you are falling in love with him, but have lied to him about part of your past.
You have two options:
Stay around him, hope he will begin to "trust" you again, or:
Move on.
He told you that he can't trust you anymore, and he can never be "serious" about you. I would take that as a "learning experience", and start looking for someone else. Be honest, respectful, with anyone, and you will eventually find a man who is the same.
This man you think you are falling in love with, isn't really one you want. In my opinion, he is just using it as an excuse to "just be friends", becuase he really doesn't love you. If he is the type of man you might want to marry someday, he would not "break off" everything because of a few lies you have told. If he thinks he loves you, he would try working it out. But, that's not the case.
If you continue to "chase" him, I'm afraid it will only lead to more heartache for you. It's your choice and a decision that will have to made soon. Start meeting some new people, and leave this one alone. If he decides he wants to start a "serious" relationship with you, I am sure he will let you know in the future. Meantime, leave him alone.
At least now you know the consequences of your actions(LYING)Maybe you should work to make yourself better or at least be honest enough with youself and others to sustain a relationship built on love and trust.If it were me ,once I found out you lied I'd be long gone no looking back.It takes years to build trust but only a second to lose it.Look at it from his point of veiw, why should he risk trusting you ever again.It will take a long time for him to get over this hurt.maybe you should look elsewhere.Take care of yourself and good luck!
Go to a restaurant or somewhere else where the two of you can have an honest heart-to-heart chat. Apologize for the lies that you've told him in the past. Set the record straight and tell him the truthful version of those things that you had previously lied to him about. Ask for his forgiveness and assure him that you'll never lie to him again and keep your word. Then tell him how you feel about him and reassure him that you'd really like things to wok out with him. There is never any good reason for you to lie to him about anything, especially about an ex. Assure him that you no longer have any interest in your ex and will not contact him ever again and keep your word on that as well. If your ex contacts you, immediately delete e-mails, IMs, etc. and do not respond. If your ex ever contacts you in person, politely ask him not to contact you anymore and tell him upfront about your current relationship. Remember, it's important not only to be honest with your boyfriend but with all people with whom you communicate on a daily basis, especially where your relationship is concerned. If you feel like you cannot stop lying then you may want to see a therapist as compulsive lying is usually a symptom of some deep-rooted psycological problem.
If he is the type of man you might want to marry someday, he would not "break off" everything because of a few lies you have told.
Actually, I'm not so sure. A prudent man would be very leery of continuing in a relationship with a confirmed liar, even if he did truly love her. I know I would. Habitually lying to a significant other is very serious and not something to be taken lightly. I think that your advice to this young lady may have been a little misguided when you suggested that he was using her lying as an "excuse" because he wants to be "just friends." Being leery of lying isn't excuse-making, it's prudent judgment. This relationship may be salvageable but she must reconcile with him completely and soon and she must reverse her behavior once and for all if she wants this to work out.
I am still at his apartment. He doesn't want me to leave. Today was very stressful. I attempted suicide last night and that drained everyone. My friends and myself. What they don't see is...that I don't find a purpose to live. It sounds bad, but I can't even find the excuse of my son. yes, I want to be here for him while he grows up, but I have majorly screwed up and that was a disappointed myself. That's not what I do in relationships. I don't lie. But in this one, I did. I thank you for the last advice given. I wrote that person back earlie this morning saying that it not the new guys fault what so ever. It's all mine. And he wasn't looking for a way out. He was hurt. Badly at that. I saw that and it tore me up inside and out. I am not still at his apartment because he thinks that I will attempt suicide again. He had asked me to stay befor then. I thank you foe your advice. I think that this relationship is worth trying to get through (the problems that is) I think that it is worth all the pain and agany that we may face. Later on this evening, the guy was lying down and taking a nap. I went over by him, sat down and he pulled me down next to him. I am not going to get my hopes up, but I think that that is a good sighn Once again, I thank you all for you advice. If you have any more, keep 'em coming. -MaryAnna-
1st thing i will tell you is to seek some form of counseling and talk to someone about getting help. I know you have these feelings but dont ever ever choose a man or anyone over your child. I can not believe im reading that you want to kill yourself over a man like you care more about him than your son. is that true or are you just not thinking. that child needs you and think about what he would think if you had succeeded in your suicide attempt. you need to stop thinking about how you feel and think about your child. you cannot put all this on him. i could imagine him in therapy for the rest of his life believing that his mother did not love him because she choose to end it over some guy and didnt even stop to think of him. what about your son? its not fair for him to suffer because of your feelings. im sorry if i sound harsh but i dont know how to be right now.
Hi,
Attempting to commit suicide is a call for help. I am so glad you have taken the first step; that is, posting here with what you tried to do. It is the first step in getting help; and that is, admitting there is a problem.
I would not think about trying to have any relationship with anyone until you get some Professional help. Help yourself to get better first, feel better about yourself, then eventually, you can work toward the goal of having a good relationship with someone else.
But first, like yourself. You are special; you are loved, and you have to find this out for yourself, and believe it. I do sincerely wish you the best, and please make an appointment with a Professional of some type, even calling a "hotline" can help direct you to someone.
Well, ever sense I told him that, I have been deleting my emails, my trash, and my outgoing. He had still ben checking it, and he found that I had started doing exactly that. It came across as being sneaky, so he put a program on the computer that keeps record of that I type. I found this out a couple days ago, when he found an email disturbing. He asked me if there was anything between my long lost ex and I and i said no. We're just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. I knew that he had a hard on for me even though he was ingaged to a lady when we ran into each other again. What I want to know is how can I make our relationship better? I have been lying to my current boyfriend, and I want to work it out with him. I havn't cheated on him, but i have lied to him about alot. In my mind, I showed him that I was one person, when I was that person, but I didn't show my flaws. I lied to him because I didn't want to hurt him. I was going to discontiue ALL contact with my long lost ex and I was going to persue my relationship with the guy that I am with. He saw the emails that had wriiten today, and he flipped out because there where my lies in black and white. i even told him that I would discontinue talking to him and I had not. I screwed up hard core and I know I did. I am not trying to "justify" my actions, but I need to know what to do. He also needs to know what to do. If you can post your opinion, I would appriciate it. Be as blunt as you would like. I need true hard core advice. I am falling in love with this guy and tonight he said that he can no longer trust me and there will NEVER be an "us" again. We can be friends, but we can NEVER be together as a couple. I want to be with him, and I think that he might be the one. I am more than willing to do what ever it takes. If it means us not being together and him gaining trust taurds me, then I'll do it. If he wants to do counsling, then I'll do it. We're a newer couple ( we where) and I want to make this work. I know that it's bad that I lied so earlie in our relationship, but I want to learn from it and proceed with what we had and what we may have in the feature. Thank you and like I said befor.... I want honest, blunt comments. 
Linear Mode
