At Ask Me Help Desk you can ask questions in any topic and have them
answered for free by our experts. To ask questions or participate in
answering them you must register for a free account. By registering you
will be able to:
Get free answers from experts in any of our 300+
topics.
Its been a few days since I posted, and I have a serious question.
I am doing my best to not talk to my ex at all, since she told me that she wanted to break up. Her reasoning was that she does not feel for me as she used to, as well as the fact that she has feelings for someone else and does not feel it is fair to be dating me while she has feelings for someone else. She has also told me she still has feelings for me, and is not looking for a relationship with anyone right now.
My question is this: I have noticed that I seem to be obcessed with her. I cannot stop thinking about her, and I constantly worry that she is "hooking up" or persuing a relationship with this kid. She has sworn to me this is not true, and I believe her as she also tells me she still has feelings for me and wants to maintain a strong friendship. I know that NC is necessary for this...
Anyway, my issue is that I am scared that I dont seem to be getting better. I have spent the good part of days sick to my stomach thinking about it over and over and over again. I have tried everything I can to keep busy, going to events at school, playing cards, going to the gym everyday, watching tv and movies. Nothing seems to help, as I spend a lot of the time while I am doing these things thinking about her. It makes me sick to my stomach.
I have also noticed that tiny things will set me off. For example, she sent me a message on the internet, just saying goodnight and hope all is well. We have a good friendly relationship, and are trying to keep that without talking so much... Anyway, she sent me the message, and I missed it, and then responded later to say goodnight. Her away messaged was simply...."Goodnight ". What scares me is my reaction to this. I totally flipped out becuase my mind took a crazy train of thought: I immediately wondered if the smiley face was to him, maybe they spent the night together. What were they doing. Are they together now, did they make out. As i write this, I can feel my face get hot and my stomach feel like I am going to vomit.
Upon reading the simple message, I broke down. I was in tears with worry about it, and I did not know how to handle it. I am so afraid that even though I am giving it time, I am not going to get over it.
Is this normal, or is it possible that I need professional help. I am worried that I will not be able to handle this on my own, and I am starting to question my mental health. I know it is a traumatic expierence, but I should be better than this almost a two months after the breakup. There is a counseling center at my school which I am seriously considering going to soon. Im very scared
Its normal to have these feelings immediately after a break up but i dont think you are doing yourself any favours as far as getting over it.
You really need to cut all contact with her. Sadly you cant keep the friendly relationship going. It will tear you to shreds with worry. it is okay for her because she has already detached herself from you emotionally with respect to the relationship. She doesnt sit at home wondering what your up to and if your with anyone else. She doesnt really care for that matter.
You really need to cut all forms of contact with her in order to help these thoughts go away. No texts, no emails, no MSN or whatever other forms of contact you have. NONE!!!!!
Listen to me here. I have been through what your going through. very very similar. I felt all these feelings. I laid there all night worrying and crying and thinking the most insane things that now i look back were never true.
Please give yourself a chance and completely cut contact with her and begin to focus on you.
If you feel it necessary to talk to a therapist or someone about how your feeling then certainly no harm can be done. they may shed a different light on it for you. I'm pretty sure though that they will also advise you that your best therapy now is to remove her from your life and focus on you. I know when i spoke to a counselor that that was there advice.
I believe that one of the reasons that you are still so strongly obsessed with her is because you continue to have contact. You should block her on messenger, email, and phone for sure or you will just continue to feel this way.
Secondly, I think that if YOU feel that your mental health is suffering (I'd be more inclined to say emotional state) then you definitely should seek professional help. If you are concerned that you may not be able to handle this on your own that is good enough reason to find someone to explore this obsession and the reasons why you are struggling so much. Pay attention to your inner concerns. It could take a year or more to get past this so you do need to find some way of coping.
She must have fulfilled a need in you that you are not meeting within yourself. Try to see this as a positive thing. It sounds like you weren't ready for a relationship of depth anyhow. Learn how to fulfill your own needs before you try to fulfill someone else's.
I know that when I was doing well with No contact in the beginning, I was much much better than I am now. I ended up seeing things on a myspace profile which upset me, and since then i have been a disaster. I have since delted my myspace account, deleted her name on my contact list, though I never told her that she could never talk to me.
Didi, before I was in this relationship, I feel that i was quite complete, and was happy with my life. The problem is that once the relationship started (both of our first loves) we became dependant on each other. It tears me apart to think that she has left me for someone else, even though in all reality this may be not true at all. I think I was okay for the relationship, though once in the relationship I made the mistake of becoming dependant....I made her my life, not part of my life.
Maybe she feels that I am more capable of handling the conversations and friendships than I am. I suppose that I should tell her I cannot handle it, and I need to be completely isolated for a while. I was afraid that letting her know how weak i was would ruin any chance for a friendship/reconciliation. I know now that I need to stop thinking along the lines of getting back together, as it WILL NOT happen. I suppose I am afraid that if I dont remain somehow in her life, she is going to be with someone else, and that thought destroys me inside and out. I know that I need to stop thinking about her altogether, and her being with him, it is just so much easier said than done. I was hopeful that by now I would be on the road to recovery, maybe with the end in sight...and I know i only have myself to blame for contacting her initially.
I just hope that in time this does get better, becuase as it seems it is not.
At this point, I think i will stop all contact, even the friendly "hope your okay" messages. Everytime I hear from her, it just makes me realize how much I miss her. If I still obcess about her and cant stop myself, I think i will see someone.
Thanks again, the insight is definately appreciated.
Listen to Didi. You definately need help. When you get physical symptoms two months after an High School break up, then there are problems. No doubt your sleep, energy, & appetite are suffering, as well as the concentration problem you mentioned.
Obsession is a negative emotion. It has nothing to do with love. It has to do with your needs. Didi is right. Please hold off on any new relationship until you are in counseling for a good long while. In the mean time, you family doctor or a psychiatrist could prescribe a mild antidepressant to help you with your anxiety & depressive symptoms. Remember to ask about possible side effects, since all medications CAN, but certainly do not allways result in some side effects.
If you are not going to church. That might be a good type of distraction for you now.
God Bless!
I have no intentinos of looking for any other realtionships for a very long time. I still get the feelings of despair, becuase I had everything I wanted, and I feel like its gone now.
Call me naive, but I wouldn't classify this as a "typical high school relationship". To be hoenst, the majority of it occured outside of highschool, though it is true this was my first relationship.
"Despair" is a strong term. If that is true, please seek help tomorrow AM from the school counselor or some one. I did not mean to indicate this was "typical" by any stretch. I'm going to bed- hopefully you can get some sleep also. I'll say a prayer for you before I drift off. God Bless amigo!
ps:if it really gets real bad, 911 always gets you some help real fast!
Location: United Kingdom - usually cold and wet here!
Posts: 1,276
I agreed with the first 2 responses and I think that the contact is tearing you apart. Like Skell, I have been through this too and in fact, when I was at your stage, he was one of the great people here on AMHD that helped me deal with my situation. I am 7 months post breakup and I can tell you, I found this website 2 months after the breakup and I was feeling very similar to you. I had the thoughts you had and I cried also and could not keep my mind on anything. The harder thing for you is that you still have contact with her and I broke this after 1 month..It helps more than you realise, you can't be friends with this woman, not now and maybe never.
If you think you need counseling, then there is nothing wrong with seeing a professional, truth is, sometimes I think I could have done with doing this and as I say, nothing wrong with it at all..They will be able to give you a fresh and positive perspective on the situation.
I rode my train alone with friends and family but it hurt so much but gain comfort my friend, that you are not alone, you are never alone, unless you want to be and although it may not seem like it now, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Look at me, I can tell you that I am sat behind this computer screen typing my response and I am more emotionally healthy than I was 5 months ago. I still have my down times but I feel much better. I see people on here that in my opinion have done it even better than I have but everyone is different and as long as you follow some basic rules, you will get through it, I promise you.
Again, im back...
I feel that I have pushed her away by trying to explain my need for no contact (again) during an emotional state. I know that I have shown her a side of me she never saw, and I am afraid that i have done permanant damage to her feelings toward me as a person.
If I did push her away from me, does that necessarily mean that I have done permanant damage? Is it just a temporary anger and frustration that she feels towards me? I hate to think the last time we talk, I was a fool and made her angry, whereas everytime before it was always ended on a good note. All I want to do is call and explain myself now that I am more rational, and less emotional - but I think i might be better off just leaving her be.
Would explaining myself and apologizing for the way I acted be worthwhile in reparing some of the damage I have done? Am I overanalyzing this and should just let her be, and her feelings arent truly destroyed for me forever?
Location: United Kingdom - usually cold and wet here!
Posts: 1,276
Sypher...
Leave her alone now. What ever she feels towards you will likely be temporary but what she thinks and feels about you should be irrelevant because it has nothing to do with your process of moving on and finding a life without her.
Close the door for a while and work on yourself. That door may then be closed forever in time to come.
". What scares me is my reaction to this. I totally flipped out becuase my mind took a crazy train of thought: I immediately wondered if the smiley face was to him, maybe they spent the night together. What were they doing. Are they together now, did they make out. As i write this, I can feel my face get hot and my stomach feel like I am going to vomit. 
Linear Mode
