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Its been a few days since I posted, and I have a serious question.
I am doing my best to not talk to my ex at all, since she told me that she wanted to break up. Her reasoning was that she does not feel for me as she used to, as well as the fact that she has feelings for someone else and does not feel it is fair to be dating me while she has feelings for someone else. She has also told me she still has feelings for me, and is not looking for a relationship with anyone right now.
My question is this: I have noticed that I seem to be obcessed with her. I cannot stop thinking about her, and I constantly worry that she is "hooking up" or persuing a relationship with this kid. She has sworn to me this is not true, and I believe her as she also tells me she still has feelings for me and wants to maintain a strong friendship. I know that NC is necessary for this...
Anyway, my issue is that I am scared that I dont seem to be getting better. I have spent the good part of days sick to my stomach thinking about it over and over and over again. I have tried everything I can to keep busy, going to events at school, playing cards, going to the gym everyday, watching tv and movies. Nothing seems to help, as I spend a lot of the time while I am doing these things thinking about her. It makes me sick to my stomach.
I have also noticed that tiny things will set me off. For example, she sent me a message on the internet, just saying goodnight and hope all is well. We have a good friendly relationship, and are trying to keep that without talking so much... Anyway, she sent me the message, and I missed it, and then responded later to say goodnight. Her away messaged was simply...."Goodnight ". What scares me is my reaction to this. I totally flipped out becuase my mind took a crazy train of thought: I immediately wondered if the smiley face was to him, maybe they spent the night together. What were they doing. Are they together now, did they make out. As i write this, I can feel my face get hot and my stomach feel like I am going to vomit.
Upon reading the simple message, I broke down. I was in tears with worry about it, and I did not know how to handle it. I am so afraid that even though I am giving it time, I am not going to get over it.
Is this normal, or is it possible that I need professional help. I am worried that I will not be able to handle this on my own, and I am starting to question my mental health. I know it is a traumatic expierence, but I should be better than this almost a two months after the breakup. There is a counseling center at my school which I am seriously considering going to soon. Im very scared
Well,
To be completely honest, I have wanted to keep no contact for a while now. I assumed that when I asked, she would listen to that and not contact me. I suppose I had trouble ignoring her attempts for contact (obviously). I have known for a while that no contact is what I need to do, and I am just as aware of that now.
What i didn't realize is that answering/responding to her is just as bad as picking up the phone and calling her. Guess I needed that kick in the pants, and i got it...
Thank you, Skell. It just occurred to me that perhaps the reason this gal is so confused is because the other guy doesn't care for her as much as she wants him to. She may just want what she can't have.
I hate to admit it, but that comment about her "mucking around with the other guy" is starting to tear me up. I know its silly for me to be bothered by this so much, but for some reason the thought of her having any physical relationship with anyone still kills me.
I know we are through, and its none of my business, but for some reason the thoughts still eat me up.
--EDIT--
I came back to edit this after a trip to the gym... After thinking for a while, it still upsets be a lot, but I can say that im making some progress. I am quite upset about it, but it doesnt put me in tears anymore, and I dont feel as if im on the verge of a panic attack any longer... I suppose that is progess
I didnt mean it to tear you up. Sorry about that. But you are sort of in this fantasy land where you seem to think that everything is going to be ok. And if you just keep being the nice guy and answering all her calls then she will come around. Not gonna happen!
we are only trying to offer you advice that will best serve you and help you begin to heal. Answering her calls and being there for her wont help you in any way.
Keep going to the gym. Do things to take your mind of it all.
I know it wasn't intentional, and I know I need to get over it.
I have been doing a lot of thinking tonight, and I realize that the only thing that still really tears me up is the fact that she may be with someone else. The funny thing is, everything she has told me goes against the fact that she is. I use what she has said to help me feel better, and I know that is not the solution. I need to get myself to a state where it doesnt matter what happens, because it is not my issue any longer.
I am done answering calls, responding to text messages...all of that. Yes, I am still sad that we are not together, and I wish that things didnt happen this way but they did. It just seems that the last hurdle for me is accepting that she may be with someone else. Trust me, that hurdle is huge... I am doing my best to try and accept the fact, becuase I dont think I will ever get over it without accepting it, though accepting it is an extremely painful process so far.
I do have an appointment to talk with someone tommorrow, and I am making a list of things I wish to say. This will prevent me from repeating myself and sounding like a dumba**, and make sure I dont miss anything I want to say. One of the main points I will bring up is the fact that I cannot get over this, and i believe it is due mostly to my insecurities and the fact that I cant seem to just have faith and trust what ive been told.
Thanks for all the helps guys. I can see myself being better in the future, though I know the road is rough.
Skell and Didi,
I want to especially thank you guys. I know that I seem like I am not taking the advice into consideration, and I think I have just been using the support to feel better and not reading into it deep enough. I have since gone back and reread the entire thread a few times, and I picked up on things I missed. Soemtimes it helps to read the info more than once...
Quote:
Originally Posted by skell
Listen to me here. I have been through what your going through. very very similar. I felt all these feelings. I laid there all night worrying and crying and thinking the most insane things that now i look back were never true.
Skell, I think you know what I am feeling more than I pereviously thought. I am quite certain that exact sentence sums up what I am doing, and probably under the same circumstances.
My word i know exactly how your feeling and exactly what your thinking. We all do. It was not that long ago that i felt like you do now. And thats why im trying my best to help you through it in the way in which i think will be best for you. Learn from my mistakes. I made plenty and if i can help others not make them then it is worth every minute i try.
You have absolutely no idea how miserable and bad i actually was. In fact every now and then i still am. But very rarely now.
It doesnt feel like it but it does get better and eventually you will like the person you have become a whole lot more than the one you were!
Just updating again. In a couple of hours I my meeting with the counselor, which I am actually sort of nervous about. I spent some time writing down thoughts, so I am organized when I get there, im just afraid that im hoping for something they cannot provide me with. I know I am the only one who can make myself feel better.
My biggest issue is still the fact that she may be with someone else, but I have made a mental list of everything which supports and opposes that fact, and its obvious that the opposition to that is much greater than the support. That makes me feel a little more at ease. I also find myself switching between being able to think about it an accept it, and thinking about it and being completely destroyed. Sure it makes me sad, but it is becoming more often that I dont feel as hopeless when I think about it.
I find comfort in knowing I did not do anything wrong, and she truly is missing out by leaving me. Maybe she will realize what she has lost someday, but until she does, there is no reason for me to even think of being her friend or any sort of new relationship. I still wish that she would text me, though I know it would only make it harder becuase then I would have to not respond. It is easier to not initiate contact, than to not respond.
I will let you guys know how I am feeling after my meeting.
To be honest, I dont feel like I got very much accomplished. I explained the stiuation to him, and he commented, more than once, that he was hearing a lot of SHE and not much ME. I know that I am thinking/talking about her a lot, and I guess that is an issue.
I have come to realize that I dont care how much she has hurt me, all I want is her back. I still think at times that I can't be as happy as I was with anyone else, and all I want is her. What hurts the most, is that these feelings are returned. I guess this is the reason that I find it so hard to let go. Even two months later, all I want is her. I can't help but hold out hope that she will come around, and we can be back the way we were. I know it isnt smart, but I think i would take her back, after taking it slow.
Didi, I think you were right earlier when yo usaid that she filled a need in me that I cannot fill. I have never been satisfied with myself, and being with her made me feel whole. It made me feel complete and important, and now i feel like I will never have that again. She gave me the self esteem that I never had. Going to the gym is one way in which i am trying to get some of that self esteem back. I have also ordered a book online which I hope will help me to accept me for who I am, thus making me more attractive.
I can't help but worry that I am trying to improve myself to bring her back. Im actually quite at ease right now, I just know that all I want is her to be mine and only mine. I think the reason im so upset is that I honestly think there is a good chance she will come back - but I know I cant think this way.
I apologize because I am sure this post was ALL over the place, but I needed to write things down. Thanks for listening.
It is unfair in her and even unfairer on yourself to expect someone else to fill the gaps in your life. That is very unhealthy and a huge reason why many relationships fall apart.
You can fill that place inside you that she filled, but you have to do it alone. You need this time on your own to build that self esteem, and become satisfied with yourself. In fact more than satisfied. You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you.
If you were to get back with her now then it would fail again. I am very confident of that. See it all the time. When people use others to fill voids in their life it never works. Sure it is great for the first part but eventually when another void opens that the partner cant fill then the whole thing starts to unravel.
You sort of need to look at it like this. You need to fill all the personal voids in your life yourself before you fill the relationship void or it just wont work. If your not happy and comfortable on your own then it is so unhealthy to use someone else to help you feel happy and comfortable. And that is a tough thing to grasp. Something that i am still doing and a reason why i am still single. I am still finding myself and until such time as i am completely comfortable with who i am then im not even thinking about a relationship.
". What scares me is my reaction to this. I totally flipped out becuase my mind took a crazy train of thought: I immediately wondered if the smiley face was to him, maybe they spent the night together. What were they doing. Are they together now, did they make out. As i write this, I can feel my face get hot and my stomach feel like I am going to vomit. 
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