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Its been a few days since I posted, and I have a serious question.
I am doing my best to not talk to my ex at all, since she told me that she wanted to break up. Her reasoning was that she does not feel for me as she used to, as well as the fact that she has feelings for someone else and does not feel it is fair to be dating me while she has feelings for someone else. She has also told me she still has feelings for me, and is not looking for a relationship with anyone right now.
My question is this: I have noticed that I seem to be obcessed with her. I cannot stop thinking about her, and I constantly worry that she is "hooking up" or persuing a relationship with this kid. She has sworn to me this is not true, and I believe her as she also tells me she still has feelings for me and wants to maintain a strong friendship. I know that NC is necessary for this...
Anyway, my issue is that I am scared that I dont seem to be getting better. I have spent the good part of days sick to my stomach thinking about it over and over and over again. I have tried everything I can to keep busy, going to events at school, playing cards, going to the gym everyday, watching tv and movies. Nothing seems to help, as I spend a lot of the time while I am doing these things thinking about her. It makes me sick to my stomach.
I have also noticed that tiny things will set me off. For example, she sent me a message on the internet, just saying goodnight and hope all is well. We have a good friendly relationship, and are trying to keep that without talking so much... Anyway, she sent me the message, and I missed it, and then responded later to say goodnight. Her away messaged was simply...."Goodnight ". What scares me is my reaction to this. I totally flipped out becuase my mind took a crazy train of thought: I immediately wondered if the smiley face was to him, maybe they spent the night together. What were they doing. Are they together now, did they make out. As i write this, I can feel my face get hot and my stomach feel like I am going to vomit.
Upon reading the simple message, I broke down. I was in tears with worry about it, and I did not know how to handle it. I am so afraid that even though I am giving it time, I am not going to get over it.
Is this normal, or is it possible that I need professional help. I am worried that I will not be able to handle this on my own, and I am starting to question my mental health. I know it is a traumatic expierence, but I should be better than this almost a two months after the breakup. There is a counseling center at my school which I am seriously considering going to soon. Im very scared
One problem I see ('cause I've been there) is that by constantly logging in and keeping a running dialogue going about the breakup, you aren't putting her out of your mind. Try skipping this place, and ALL computer usage for a day and get out in the real world.
I speak from experience when I say that depression following a breakup can be self sustaining if you let it..
I hope that did not sound too harsh, and maybe its the only way for you to avoid the urge to call her /check up on her.. etc?
but maybe take up something that is not "self improvement " related, and just go do something FUN.. get in touch with old friends. Take a trip out of town.. That's always therapeutic.
you can't just drop this like a heavy rock. i'm in a similar boat. don't try to plug the holes, just swim to shore. not sure if i said this before, but if you love her and she comes back, you're good. if not, it'll make you a stronger man, and you won't need her. i've changed allot in the last month. i've been called a psycho, extremest, dangorous, and other things i'dd rather not meantion.
Thanks Solid,
From what you've said, i know your situation must be quite similar. In reality, though the details are different, I suppose most people's situations are very similar. At least the solutions to these situations are quite similar. I do still feel that I love her, and that is why it hurts so much to think of her moving on. At this point, I need to stop assuming becuase it is causing me to obsess about things which may not even be true. I know thats rediculous, and Im doing my best to stop.
Sypher's ex told him SHE WANTED TO BREAK UP. She said SHE DOES NOT FEEL FOR HIM AS SHE USED TO and SHE HAS FEELING FOR SOMEONE ELSE. Finally, she said that she IS NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW.
Sypher feels he is 'obsessed' with her, that he knows he needs to adhere to 'no contact', he is 'scared' that he is not getting any better despite time passing. Thinking about the situation makes him feel sick to his stomach and he feels he needs professional help and worries that he can not handle this on his own.
Therefore, what Sypher needs to do is pay attention to his body and mind. He needs to stop ALL contact with her. He needs to seek professional help. He needs to find ways of coping with the void he feels and find something else to focus upon. He needs to talk about it, because holding it in only makes it worse. He needs to surround himself with people sympathetic to his needs who will encourage him to grow past this and to stick to the NC rules. He needs a way to function in a healthy way without this gal.
Sypher, did you see a counselor? Keep trying... don't give up... and STOP ALL CONTACT! Contact fills you with hope and prevents you from dealing with your issues. I don't know what your hobbies and interests are, but maybe you could join a group or something that focuses on one of your hobbies to help take your mind off of things.
I am also a firm believer that when you give of yourself you grow emotionally. Consider some kind of volunteer work. You will meet some wonderful people and feel good about yourself at the same time. That will help tremendously. Give it a try!
Sypher's ex told him SHE WANTED TO BREAK UP. She said SHE DOES NOT FEEL FOR HIM AS SHE USED TO and SHE HAS FEELING FOR SOMEONE ELSE. Finally, she said that she IS NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW.
Sypher feels he is 'obsessed' with her, that he knows he needs to adhere to 'no contact', he is 'scared' that he is not getting any better despite time passing. Thinking about the situation makes him feel sick to his stomach and he feels he needs professional help and worries that he can not handle this on his own.
Therefore, what Sypher needs to do is pay attention to his body and mind. He needs to stop ALL contact with her. He needs to seek professional help. He needs to find ways of coping with the void he feels and find something else to focus upon. He needs to talk about it, because holding it in only makes it worse. He needs to surround himself with people sympathetic to his needs who will encourage him to grow past this and to stick to the NC rules. He needs a way to function in a healthy way without this gal.
Sypher, did you see a counselor? Keep trying... don't give up... and STOP ALL CONTACT! Contact fills you with hope and prevents you from dealing with your issues. I don't know what your hobbies and interests are, but maybe you could join a group or something that focuses on one of your hobbies to help take your mind off of things.
I am also a firm believer that when you give of yourself you grow emotionally. Consider some kind of volunteer work. You will meet some wonderful people and feel good about yourself at the same time. That will help tremendously. Give it a try!
Hugs, Didi
Thanks for the info didi,
And for everyone, I agree that the advice to not move in is wrong. Trust me, i will not fall back into the stages of waiting for her and seeing if she will come around. If she comes around, I want to be in a better emotional state, so I can make a rational decision as to whether anything can truly work between us...then or in the future.
An update as of this morning....She had called me, and I picked up. I know this probably wasnt the smart thing to do, but I am still worried about her. It was an innocent call, she was telling me that she had accepted the job she had the interview for. I simply told her that I was proud of her, and congratulations.
The problem comes with the fact that she was upset, and I knew it. Her voice was shaking and she was near tears. I asked her if everything was okay, and she explained that her mother is making her feel horrible about what she did to me (dumping me) and that she (her mom) does not agree with the decision at all. She even used the phrase "I wont forgive you for hurting him this much". (her mom can be a little on the excessive side). I did not get very invovled, just told her that I was sorry her mom was doing this to her, and that she already did what she did, so nothing can change that now anyway.
After the conversation, I was concerned that I should have ignored the obvious signs of her being upset, and left it to her to come to me for help. I should not have tried to make her feel better as she needs to know that I am not here for her.
Surprisingly, I feel quite okay after the conversation. I was having a rough morning, and it made me feel better. i am just concerned that I am only feeling better becuase I am interpreting her call as I know she did not mean it. I DONT WANT to think that this means she is thinking aobut me, or that anything AT ALL will change between us. In fact, I KNOW it doesnt mean any of this, I just hope I can stop my heart from thinking that way.
Since I decided we need to cut contact two days ago, she has contacted me both days. If this continues into tommorrow, I will need to remind her, maybe a little more sternly, that I need to cut contact with her in order to move on.
Just wanted to let you all know where I am at. I am feeling alright at this point, and I know my mood will swing, but I have an optimistic outlook on this.
Maybe im an idiot for picking up the phone at all, or maybe im an idiot for reaching out and trying to make her feel better. Im not sure - but either way i know i made a mistake somehow.
I guess I just feel bad about ignoring her. I still have feelings for her, and I dont want to come across as a total a**hole. I guess i dont have a choice though.
It isnt ignoring her. She broke up with you. She asked for space. She is leaving you. How on earth does that make you the bad guy here?
Stop looking at her though rose colored glasses and accept that she has left you and most probably never coming back.
You arent listening. You have every right to ask for her to leave you be now. You need for her to leave you alone. She loves having this control over you. And i think you like her having it in some ways too.
She does have another guy too remember. And if you think she isn't mucking around with him then i think you are sadly mistaken.
I know its tough but you arent helping matters here and until you do you will feel like sh1t!!!
She does have another guy too remember. And if you think she isn't mucking around with him then i think you are sadly mistaken.
Skell,
Are you saying that I am to assume that everything she has said to me has been a lie? She has sworn to me that she does not want a relationship right now with anyone, that she has done nothing with him, and that he isn't interested in a relationship either, as he is still hung up on an ex of his own.
I dont enjoy her having this control over me, and i understand that the more control she has over me, the worse I feel. To be honest, the fact that she called me today, and texted me yesterday makes me feel better becuase I feel like I am winning some of the control back. No longer am I initiating any contact, she is doing it - which makes me feel as if im in control. I guess to improve this even more, I need to take it to the next level and not only not contact her, not answer her attempts.
I guess I just feel bad about ignoring her. I still have feelings for her, and I dont want to come across as a total a**hole. I guess i dont have a choice though.
Excuse me???? You feel bad about ignoring someone who broke up with YOU because she had feelings for someone else?????? You don't want to come across as a total a**hole???? Mister, honestly... your continuing contact despite what she has told you makes you look like a stupid total a**hole. Get a grip here! You have a ton of people telling you that you are doing the right thing by not having contact with her. Just who are you afraid might judge you otherwise? Her??? She should respect that you are finding this way too painful. Quite frankly, if she cares about you at all she will not think that you are an a**hole to deal with this in a mature, sensible way.
Look, we have no investment in telling you to have no contact. I'm not a bitter guy trying to make all women pay for one woman who broke up with me! I have a counselling background and many more years of experience in life that you have. There are others on here who have gone or are going through the same thing and they are telling you they feel your pain but they are healed/healing because they have stuck to their guns.
IF you really want to heal then you MUST stop all contact. If you are still so afraid of what she (or other people) think, then tell her that you do want to be friends but for right now you need absolutely NO contact for at least three months. I don't really think it is good for you to put a time limit on it, but if that will help you heal then it's better to do that than what you are doing. The main thing is that you need to act and believe it's over forever. That way, if it is, you won't be back where you are now six months from now, and if it's not, you will be strong enough to make a conscious choice if this is really what you want.
For the reasons already explained by many, I urge you to have no contact. Besides, how will she ever know what life is like without you in it?? Having contact with her is not good or fair to either one of you and will never resolve your issues. You need to step outside of the circle and see this with unbiased eyes. Do you really want to heal??? If so, I feel that there is only one way. Why don't you at least give it a chance??? You came here for advice and it has been pretty consistent. Why not listen to it?
No i'm not saying to assume that, don't assume anything. I may have been a little off with that comment about the other guy but she has shown interest. You and i both know how things can work. I dont know her like you and it is good to have trust in people. And a necessity in the person we love. But in situations like this some people say and do things that are out fo character. They deal with things differently than they ever have before. It is a time when you should only trust yourself. And if you trust within yourself that everyhting she is saying is true than i will trust you too. But you have to be brutally honest with yourself. Okay??
Im not being harsh with you. As i have said all along i know your pain. I am only trying to help. I know how when we are in this world of pain that our judgment and thinking becomes clouded and we only see what we want to see. Sometimes we need the help of strangers to help us see a little more of the situation. Thats all im trying to do. Not judge or hurt you more.
I just want you to go and read every post and every bit of advice you have gotten again and determine what you think the best course of action is.
Once again, you arent the bad guy. Not at all. She has asked for space and broken up with you. By you taking some space yourself and looking after your own interests it isnt being an a$$hole. It is being human!!!! And if she cant respect that then frankly your better off without her!
". What scares me is my reaction to this. I totally flipped out becuase my mind took a crazy train of thought: I immediately wondered if the smiley face was to him, maybe they spent the night together. What were they doing. Are they together now, did they make out. As i write this, I can feel my face get hot and my stomach feel like I am going to vomit. 
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