Hey guys,

Its been a few days since I posted, and I have a serious question.

I am doing my best to not talk to my ex at all, since she told me that she wanted to break up. Her reasoning was that she does not feel for me as she used to, as well as the fact that she has feelings for someone else and does not feel it is fair to be dating me while she has feelings for someone else. She has also told me she still has feelings for me, and is not looking for a relationship with anyone right now.

My question is this: I have noticed that I seem to be obcessed with her. I cannot stop thinking about her, and I constantly worry that she is "hooking up" or persuing a relationship with this kid. She has sworn to me this is not true, and I believe her as she also tells me she still has feelings for me and wants to maintain a strong friendship. I know that NC is necessary for this...

Anyway, my issue is that I am scared that I dont seem to be getting better. I have spent the good part of days sick to my stomach thinking about it over and over and over again. I have tried everything I can to keep busy, going to events at school, playing cards, going to the gym everyday, watching tv and movies. Nothing seems to help, as I spend a lot of the time while I am doing these things thinking about her. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I have also noticed that tiny things will set me off. For example, she sent me a message on the internet, just saying goodnight and hope all is well. We have a good friendly relationship, and are trying to keep that without talking so much... Anyway, she sent me the message, and I missed it, and then responded later to say goodnight. Her away messaged was simply...."Goodnight ". What scares me is my reaction to this. I totally flipped out becuase my mind took a crazy train of thought: I immediately wondered if the smiley face was to him, maybe they spent the night together. What were they doing. Are they together now, did they make out. As i write this, I can feel my face get hot and my stomach feel like I am going to vomit.

Upon reading the simple message, I broke down. I was in tears with worry about it, and I did not know how to handle it. I am so afraid that even though I am giving it time, I am not going to get over it.

Is this normal, or is it possible that I need professional help. I am worried that I will not be able to handle this on my own, and I am starting to question my mental health. I know it is a traumatic expierence, but I should be better than this almost a two months after the breakup. There is a counseling center at my school which I am seriously considering going to soon. Im very scared

Somebody help me

sypher373

Thanks Geoff,

Im just worried becuase it seems that its harder for me now then it ever was. I don't think I was this upset when we first broke up, which is why I was contemplating counseling. On that note, I called and made an apointment for thursday, maybe they can put it in better perspective for me. All i want to do is stop obsessing about it.

Geoffersonairplane

That is a good move Sypher..You have a good positive attitude..

If it helps, read back on my first thread too and you can see how I was feeling and the good advice I got too.

Here is a link: http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...elp-39548.html

Also..By keeping yourself busy, this will help you try and stop obsessing!!

sypher373

Just an update (and I know im on here a lot, reading responses really helps me keep it all in perspective, thanks again)

I think im starting to make a little bit of progress. Ive realized that no matter how much I told myself it was over, I was doing everything with the ulterior motive of getting her back.

She text messaged me this morning to see if I had talked with anyone else yet. I said I had not. She then said "okay, we can't talk anymore". I know I pushed a little bit, but I responded with "I was going to tell you tommorrow, but ill tell you now, good luck on your interview tommorrow. I hope your not telling me we can't talk becuase you are mad at me, and I still look forward to being your friend in the future". She responded, informing me that it is not becuase she is mad at me, thanked me for the good wishes on her job interview, and she is too looking forward to being my friend. I am trying to take all of this at face value, and not read into the way in which she said anything, or any hesitations it seemed she had. I know that she is honest, and if she was mad at me, I would know it. She is doing this for the benefit of both of us, and I am just too stubborn to accept that, and I see it as an offensive action. I am beginning to realize that she is being much stronger than I, and I need to follow suit before I hurt myself worse.

That said, I am not anticipating any further contact with her for quite some time. I think I have taken some steps towards eliminating any temptations...I have gone through my dorm and boxed up all my reminders - valentines cards, gifts, love notes, old ticket stubs, pictures from my wallett, and I have even burned all emails and text messages to a CD and delted them (i dont want to lose them forever). I have been tempted to check her AIM away message, or visit her myspace page, but I have been sucessful in stopping myself, becuase I know I will interpret her attempts at moving on as signs that she does not, and never did care about me and what we had. As has been said on these forums "I am comparing my insides to her outsides, and that isnt a fair judgement".

Now its time to wait. There is nothing I can do, but let time run its course, and hope I am feeling better soon. (I mean this in addition to what I have been doing - gym, tv, movies, hanging out with the guys as much as possible)

Thanks for listening

Geoffersonairplane

Do this as much as you like, venting on here and also helping others really helps and you can also identify with what others are going through.

Its called Denial and I went through this..Its really strange because looking at your situation reminds me so much of mine. Denial is totally natural by the way, part of the grief process you are going through.

Quit talking to her, remove her from your life completely.

Of course she is, she left you, she had done all her grieving probably far in advance of you. Reverse the situation and I bet she would be the weaker of you both. Being the one who is suddenly left behind is harder, I'm sure she hurt too but not as much as you, I am sure.

Excellent..Very positive action to take.

Excellent you read my thread about how this cat got killed by his curiosity..LOL

For those who don't know what I am banging on about, the wise val gave me some useful advice..

Here is the link: http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...alk-47487.html

Post#4 from Valinors_Sorrow.

Not time to wait, but time to begin healing and time to move on and find a life without her..

Light is at the end of the tunnel I promise you!!

Geoffersonairplane

Yes, I can sometimes adopt the Chuff way of providing advice and with that in mind, Chuff is very good at this and he is a good voice of wisdom on AMHD and helped me immensely..

SouthernBelle06

No, you don't need therapy at this point. As others have stated, what you are feeling is normal. I know I went through it as most of us here on the site have. Now if you get to a point where you feel so low you may become self destructive...turn to drinking, drug abuse, food abuse, or start to think about harming yourself or others (her, this possible new guy), then yes, please seek help. You have to just give it time, as much as it sucks. It sounds like you are doing what you can to stay busy, which is great, and as others have suggested consider stopping this IM business with her. I think you are on the right track. Hang in there.

sypher373

Well its only been a few hours since I was here last, but I need to get some thoughts down out of my head.

I had a relatively easy time this afternoon, I was able to keep busy and didnt think so much about her and her possibly being with another kid. As the sun sets though, I can feel myself becoming insecure. I dont know what it is, but nighttime seems to be the hardest time. Maybe it is because we used to do most of our talking at night, as we both had class all day. In any case, im starting to worry becuase I can feel the thoughts of her and him creeping into the back of my mind. During the time in which we were talking (a few weeks back) she had been honest with me, as she thought knowing the facts would help me. I am trying to use the knowledge that he only "sort of" likes her, and that he is still hung up on his ex-girlfriend to help me feel better.

Deep down, I know what I need is to stop being upset that she may move on, and just accept it as an inevitbility. I hate to think of her being with anyone else, especially in a sexual way. As I write this, I am kicking myself becuase I know she is a very smart person, and would not involve herself in anything which was risky, or that she was unsure of.

I guess I just cant help the thoughts that come into my mind. In any case, I am going to the gym now, going to play some cards with the guys later, and then probably go to sleep fairly early tonight. Sometimes I wish time would speed up.

I am also going to put a quote from tal at the bottom of the post, so when I reread it, i can read this post. This wasnt posted to me, though I found it in an old thread, and I have read it at least 10 times today. If I haven't been able to explain it, this is exactly what I am doing, and i know I need to stop...

Skell

Sypher you have some great advice form Geoff here. Great stuff. Please listen to him. He, like me and everyone else know what it is like.

You really have to do your best though to get those crazy thoughts out of your head. Understand that no matter what you are thinking and worrying about her it doesnt make a difference to YOUR situation. None at all. The only thoughts that can help you are thoughts about YOU! Hard i know. Nearly impossible but you must try. I think you need to get out of the dorm and do something with friends. Even go somewhere alone where you know other people will be. Meet and talk to some new people.

Or put you runners on and go for a jog. I found that to be a great way to get all those stupid thoughts out of my head. Sitting at home alone isnt going to help much.

But you really really really need to cut all the contact! Please for the love of God no more text messages. I know your worried that it will push her away forever and that you may offend her but dont. Dont worry about that at all. If she is any sort of decent and respectful person she will understand that this is something you need to do. Its in your best interests. And if she cant accept that and it makes her mad then i hate to say it but she isnt really much of a person anyway. That would be a selfish and uncaring individual and someone your better off without.

I had the same thoughts. I still do sometimes. But i can tell you that it hasnt pushed my ex away forever. We aren't close friends. We very rarely see one another, only when we run into one another out and about and we never ever call or text each other. But when we do run into one another everything is fine. Things are tough now but good people understand when someone they loved is hurting and if they are truly good people they will want to minimise that pain for them. At least that is what my good person did for me and although it hurt like hell i cant thank her enough now for understanding that we needed to go our separate ways if we were to heal.

sypher373

Skell,

I know that she can accept that, and she knows we need to stop contact. To be honest, when I was still talking to her she told me that she knows I couldn't handle the contact, and we needed some apart time to get over this. I am completely commited to no contact now, becuase I have finally realized there is no other way around it. I dont mean to repeat the same things in my posts, I just feel like if I dont get them out of my head, they wont go away.

I know this is going to sound stupid, but how exactly would you recommend me going out and just meeting people? I have a few friends on campus, though I usually hang out with them, and just them. I have always been quite shy, due to low self-confidence, which I am working on now. A lot of people have said meeting new people is a great way to get myself feeling better, I guess im just not sure how to do that...

Thanks for the input

Skell

Good! Im sure you will start to notice a difference in your feelings and emotional state. You will still have many ups and downs and it will be tough at times and you will feel like breaking. But dont. Please dont. I can assure you it wont help you one bit.

No it doesnt sound stupid at all. It is a fair enough question and i am alot like you. I am shy at first and quite reserved around new people. So someone giving advice like "just go out and meet new people" would be tough fpor me to follow too. Or at least it was. I am not good at it either. But i am a lot better now, and it is only through practice. Most people are generally good people. At least i think i can pick out the good ones from the bad. Down under here we are a pretty relaxed lot and will talk to anyone really. But it doesnt make it easier in the approach part. Just go to places (sporting events, bands etc.) that you enjoy and im sure you will see people there similar to you. It only takes the balls to say one thing to a stranger and the next minute your in a conversation with them. And if your at a place where you share similar interests then there are endless conversation starters. I know it sounds tough and it is, but hey, what have you got to lose? Nothing. At the moment i bet it feels like it cant get much worse for you so whats the harm in trying to improve your situation. It might be easier than you expect. It just takes a little courage and im sure you have that ion you. At least you have shown us you do by cutting contact with the ex.