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I do not know what to do....PLEASE HELP...(warning this is complicated)
Asked Jun 28, 2005, 01:06 PM
OK, so I am very new to the whole "relationship" scene, I am 20 yrs old and just lost my virginity a month ago. I am a late bloomer yes, but I honestly wanted to wait to do the deed with someone I deeply cared about, and I can honestly say that I was falling in love with the girl I was with. The girl that I was with is 3 yrs older than myself was easily a '10' and not a girl I ever thought I could ever go out with let alone have relations with. We connected on so many levels before we slept togther,the first time we talked we textd each other for 12 hrs straight, and would talk on the phone for a minimum of 4-5 hrs, hell we ended our first date sitting in my car in a parking lot holding hands and staring into eachothers eyes, so this is what showed me that there was something special there. Things were going great for that 1st month she would call me 20 times a day, she was the first person I talked to in the morning and the last person I talked to at night. She would bring me lunch at work and I would hang out at her apt like every night for like 2 weeks she even let me sleep over her place after only 3 weeks of dating. In fact SHE was the one who was pushing extra hard and pestering me for a "relationship", but I loved every minute of it. Then all of a sudden she comes at me with the whole "i don't want to be in a relationship right now because my life is not where I want it to be and I have to deal with these other things right now, and I just want to be able to do whatever I want to do" I DO undertand that this girl is not a girl but a woman,with priorities. She lives on her own and hates her job, she had 3 when I first met her and she is now down to 2 and soon just 1. I understand that but what I don't get is why wouldn't she want someone there who is going to help her get through her hard times. AND more importantly why did she lead on that she was wanting a relationship in the begenning if she knew she didn't want any attachment, or is this the result of things I did? One time I called her and she was in tears because she was sick and had to get up early the next morning to go to work and she was just venting out how she hates her living situations and hates where she is in life cause she's not doing what she wants to do, and I flipped and flew across town (w/out her permission) to her apt. To hold her while she cried, and she showed me how appreciative she was that I cared by letting me sleep over so we could be with each other the whole night (sappy sappy sappy, I loved it!). She told me about one of her prior relationships and how she 1st moved out of her parents house with some who ended up cheating on her and had a secret family of his own somewhere else and left her all alone to fend for herself so she had to quit school to afford to live at the place they had gotten together. She eventually moved to another place and got her life back on track, sort of. This made me attracted to this girl even more, the fact that she is strong and independent, and doesn't take from anything or anyone. I know that I did push too hard too fast, considering I went crazy one night and called her up like 3 times and 3 more the next morning with no answer because I hadn't heard from her and I got worried.Which is odd, that she got mad considering she would call twice as much and not think twice about it. I'm not saying I'm mad at her, but how can she get away with it, but I get scolded for doing it one time? I never wanted to keep her from being her, I would always encourage her to hang out with her friends and always show` concern for her well being. But the odd thing is she actually apoligized to me for HER acting mean and called herself a ,but this is the type of girl who would NEVER apoligize for anything, especially a way she was feeling. I admit she was a bit dismissive towards me up until this talk (she would not return my phone calls or texts.),We had fallen into a bit of a rut because she told me she was begenning to get the feeling that all I wanted from her was sex, because when we would be holding each other sometimes I would try to get some when I could clearly see she was not in the mood. But I broke my neck showing her that I truley enjoyed being with her and wanted nothing more than to spend quality time with her and help her get through things. She says that we can still be friends and hang out, I asked her "can we still be friends?" and her reply was "yeah, but that's all I can see us being for now" and then when I asked her if when we did go out would it still be on a dating status, she said "no, not right now anyway, so you wouldn't have to pay." and to lighten the situation I made a joke like "thank god, cause you were suckin me dry!" But I get the feeling that she didn't mean what she said, which is odd because she is straight forward with everything. (she even told me she was pissed at me when I was pesting her with the phone calls and didn't call me for a day, but then eventually she called me the next day, simply asking if I was done being a pest) I really care about this girl and I know she cares about me, how can I prove to her that I am ok just being her friend for the moment but show her that I am not going to give up hope on "us" and am willing to wait till she is ready for a relationship? ...but without looking like a puppy dog....I told you this was a doosie..........
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Jun 28, 2005, 01:52 PM
YUCK DUDE! Your Wuss-ness, whimp, neediness-clingines, OOZES out of my computer. You need to learn to deal with woman. You DROVE this woman away. She went RUNNING!
I am repulsed.
FIRST! They DON'T want to be called 20 times a day and texted message.
QUIT text mesaging any woman - OK? Text messaging is BAD for business.
Early on - the first couple months you should NOTcall a woman even every day - and if you DO call - only ONCE that day. E-mail maybe once or twice a week and forget the text - text SUCKS!
Please go to the following sites and learn about woman. PLEASE: www.sosuave.com
- read every article www.askmen.com
- read EVERY dating article. Everyone.
You have no clue what you are doing. Woman are repulsed by over communication. YOU DON'T spend 4 or 5 hours a day o nthe phoen with a woman you LIKE. You went into Girlfriend mode - you're her girlfriend/friend.
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Jun 28, 2005, 01:52 PM
Follow this stuff CLOSELY - get a life - your lover is PART of your life - not your life:
Most heartache is because one person over communicates and becomes needy-clingy:
When dating, have you wondered why it seems it's the ones that you really don't like whom you can't seem to get rid of and the ones you do like who never seem to stick around? The reason is simple. It's not the person but the way you behave toward them him or her.
What determines interest in another human being is a fascinating thing. Most people are actually on the fence at the start of most relationships. This means that almost every time someone can be swayed toward either liking you or disliking you. And he is moved in either direction - either closer or further - depending on how you relate to him.
This is because as human beings we are forever guided and governed by human nature. The bottom line is that it's not the person you're dating, it's the things you are doing that determine his or her level of interest. So if it's not you - defined as your looks, personality, background, and so on -it must be your that determines the direction and, ultimately, the outcome of the relationship. Behavior toward this person
This very powerful, yet simple psychological strategy can be summed up in one sentence:
You need to behave with the person you don't like the way you've been behaving with the person you do like.
You need to behave with the person you do like the way you've been behaving with the person you don't like
While there are many little aspects of one's behavior there are four main factors, which are discussed below.
People want what they can't have. By constantly making yourself available, you're actually diminishing your value. This is not a trick or a game to play, but a function of human nature. Attraction is not a fixed value. This means that what someone thinks about you is determined to a large extent by what you do, not but just who you are or what you look like. The law of scarcity is prevalent and relevant in every area of our lives, especially here. That which is plentiful is often under appreciated and that which is rare is held in high regard and considered valuable. When you are dating someone whom you are not interested in, you tend to make yourself available which is convenient for you. And when you're dating someone who you really like you're consistently available. Do the reverse.
This means when you're dating someone you don't like too much, if you are not baking cookies for him, calling him twice a day asking where the relationship is going, and so on, then don't do it with the person you like. And by the way, when you do this with the ones you don't like, they'll be scared off soon enough, so you've eliminated this problem as well.
Usually to get someone to like you, you want to make yourself available, because this increases liking. If this is so, doesn't it contradict the law of scarcity? Here's what is often misunderstood. If you want someone to like you, then you do indeed want to be in their company fairly often. This is true, but remember that liking is the foundation of every relationship. That means that once you move past the liking stage (meaning the person is already fond of you) and the relationship unfolds into something more serious, then you want to limit your availability.
Here's a question. Don't we often see good-looking people with attractive people with attractive partners and vice versa? If attraction has little to do with appearance then why is this so? It's because we are often most comfortable with those of similar levels of attractiveness. (This coincides with studies that show that people are generally friends with those of similar levels of attractiveness.) A good-looking person can sometimes make a less attractive person uncomfortable. So this less attractive person tends to lose perspective and act differently - meaning that she puts the person on a pedestal and does the four things outlined in this chapter that she shouldn't be doing. But it's the things that she's doing -not her - the physical person -which makes the difference. This is validated by the fact that sometimes attractive people are with less attractive people. In these relationships it's likely that the less attractive person feels confident about the relationship and hence behaves differently than their less attractive counterparts. (This "confidence" is replicated here when we apply the four factors to gaining leverage in the relationship.)
In your relationships, you need perspective. In life, when we derive pleasure from only one source we tend to overemphasis it's value and importance. You should find meaning in your life outside of the relationship so this person doesn't become your whole world. It's important to feel fulfilled in other areas in other areas of your life so you're able to maintain a sensible perspective and not rely on someone else's affection as your sole source of satisfaction and happiness. When you're dating someone you're not interested in, you have plenty of perspective because you're not thinking, "This is the only person for me; if I don't have him my world is over." You're thinking, "All right, let's see what happens; maybe he'll grow on me, and maybe he won't." And it's precisely that mentality that translates into the best attitude. And it's this attitude and your corresponding behavior that actually make you more attractive.
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Jun 28, 2005, 01:52 PM
Here's the crux of how and why relationships work or fail. Simply, you can't appreciate what you take for granted. This in essentially why people, in general, become unhappy in their own lives. They always want more but are never grateful for what they have. And if you are not grateful with what you have, you will begin to take it for granted. And when you do this, you no longer appreciate it. And when you don't appreciate something it holds no enjoyment for you.
The same holds true for relationships. If someone takes you for granted he or she will not appreciated you and will begin to look for someone else. Similarly, if you went to the doctor and were told that you might lose your hearing, you would probably develop a renewed appreciation for sound. Our gratitude lies in being reminded that w should not take these things for granted.
And you don't take for granted what you believe can be taken away from you at any time. Similarly, if the object of your affections is a bit insecure with the relationship -meaning there is an element of doubt -then his or her black of confidence will not lead to arrogance and ingratitude. You must create an element of uncertainty or you will lose the passion that drives the relationship. Since it's possible for someone to be taken away from us at any time -by accident, by illness -why do you have to create more doubt?
If you're in love, you don't This is for those who are not yet at that stage, for whom we artificially and temporarily create the same "atmosphere" of uncertainty.
Again, without some doubt there is the feeling that "you will always be there." Then he no longer sees how great you are and loses appreciation for you. He begins to take you for granted and then and the passion dies. But you, in your relationship, can within a second reignite the passion and turn the relationship around by introducing an element of doubt. Passion is extinguished when there is no doubt because when there is no doubt you will be taken for granted. Just as in the previous example of going to the doctor; You never gave your hearing a second thought until you thought that it might not be there. When doubt is introduced into the equation it changes you perspective! I cannot stress this enough: You will be taken for granted and not appreciated and the passion will go out of the relationship if all elements of doubt are removed.
Unfortunately, when we are insecure about a relationship we harm it further by being clingier because we need reassurance. But in doing so you reinforce that you are forever his and remove in his mind any doubt that you might not always be there. And then passion is extinguished. It is a fact of human nature. But now that you understand you can use it to your advantage.
Remember that this and other factors discussed here are not ideas or tricks that work sometimes. These are laws that dictate human behavior. If you use them and operate within these parameters you can succeed at gaining complete leverage in any relationship. But finally, make sure that you don't make the mistake that most do when it comes tohow you make them feel.
Why can't I have an open, honest and trusting relationship? You can, of course, but you have to wait until you are in love with each other -and here's why. The above three tactics are ego-based and are designed to get you to this point, but should be discontinued so that you can move on to a mature and lasting relationship. Briefly, love is the absence ego or the "I". And once this takes root, the dynamics of the relationship change so that the more the person is available, and the more he does for you, the more you love him. As far as passion goes, you need only introduce some uncertainty should you feel you are being tasken for granted.
How You Make Them Feel
She likes you based on how you make her feel about herself. This doesn't contradict the above. You should still maintain the above behavior -regarding your attitude and availability-but you do want to treat the person well. It's bad advice, though often given, that you don't want to build up someone's confidence, and be overly flattering and complimentary, because then she will "know that you like her" and back off. To a degree, we know this can be true, because when someone likes us, while we are flattered, we can find ourselves less interested in the person. This reaction comes courtesy of the rule that says, We want what we can't have and want more of that which we have to work for. Simply, if it falls in our laps we tend to have less appreciation for it.
But herein lies the crucial difference between being attentive and kind versus telling her that she is your entire world and the only person for you. (Because, as we talked about, this removes doubt and begins to erode the passion.) The former is more objective and has to do primarily with her. The latter involves your relationship and invokes the rule of scarcity. Notice the crucial difference between saying how much you like this person -which makes you lose leverage -and telling her that she is likable and a great person. Merely stating that somebody is terrific makes her feel great and makes you look great. It's a winning combination because it's only the confident person who tells another how wonderful and terrific she is. And we like confidant and secure people! The distinction is often blurred and we end up trying to "play it cool" and not wanting to "show our hand." This accomplishes little and creates a cold and uncomfortable atmosphere. But lavishing this person with "objective" praise shows you in the best and most confident light and makes her feel great! Again, you want to let her know that you think she's great but not that she is your whole world and that you can't live without her.
The fastest way is too lose leverage and to lose someone that you like is to do the opposite of the above. That means making yourself completely available, having no perspective, removing all doubt, and being uncomplimentary. Do this and you can be sure that you'll be back dating someone you don't like very much.
For this new knowledge to be useful you mist memorize it and practice it all the time.
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Jun 28, 2005, 01:53 PM
IF you act too anxious to make a relationship work, even if the other person initially seemed to be the one who wanted it, they will become turned off and start looking for the exits. Next time you decide you really want somebody, play your cards close to your chest. Don
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Jun 28, 2005, 01:58 PM
But when you start dating a woman that you really LIKE, your fear of abandonment and your need for approval kick in. What you want more than anything is for her to like you, to like you as much as you like her. What you fear the most is that you may disappoint or upset her somehow so that she won't want to be with you. So you cater to her whims and you don't set healthy boundaries. To you Psych majors, he always let's her get her way.
The irony is that all these things that you do to get her to like you and to try to insure that she won't leave you are actually the very things that make her withdraw from you. Unfortunately, either out of denial or ignorance, you keep repeating the same behavior with each new woman that you like.
So what's the way out of this trap? Awareness and insight are the first steps, which are what I'm providing you with now.
Next, you must have a fierce determination to do whatever it takes, however uncomfortable, to clean up your act.
Remember, guys: when you like her a lot, act like you don't.
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Jun 28, 2005, 02:08 PM
See Dude - you WAY to Nice a guy for her.
'Nice Guys' are bad for business.
She will go back to the jerk every time because she can hurt him if she wants to. You're WAY too nice to her.
You DON'T want to be friends if you want her back. STOP contacting her NOW! Stop! Wait 2 months - NO CONTACT - Don't answer your phone when she calls.
But, I think you're too weak to do this. This her alone for a while. PLEASE!
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Jun 28, 2005, 02:08 PM
Top 10 dating mistakes - you did them ALL:
Being too much of a nice guy
Have you ever noticed that the really attractive women never seem to be attracted to "nice" guys?
Of course you have.
Just like me, I'm sure you've had attractive female friends that always seemed to date "jerks"... But for some reason they were never romantically interested in you .
What's going on here? It's actually very simple.
Women don't base their choice of men on how "nice" a guy is. They choose the men they do because they feel a powerful gut level attraction to them.
And guess what?
Being a nice guy won't make a woman feel that powerful attraction to you. And being nice won't make a woman choose you.
I realize that this doesn't make a lot of logical sense, and it's hard to accept ... But get over it .
Until you accept this fact and begin to act on it, you'll never have the success with women that you want.
Trying to convince her to like you
What do most guys do when they meet a woman that they really like... But she's just not interested?
Right! They try to "convince" the woman to feel differently.
Well, I have news for you: You will never change how a woman "feels" when it comes to attraction !
Never, ever, ever .
You cannot convince a woman to feel differently about you by means "logic and reasoning."
Think about it.
If a woman doesn't "feel it" for you, how in the world do you expect to change that feeling by being "reasonable" with her?
But we all do it. When a woman just isn't interested, we beg, plead, chase, and do our best to change her mind.
Bad idea. One that will never work.
Looking for her approval
In our desire to please women (which we mistakenly think will make them like us), we guys are always doing things to get a woman's "approval" or "permission."
This is another horrible idea.
Women are never attracted to the type of men who kiss up to them... Ever .
Don't get me wrong here. You don't have to treat women badly for them to like you.
But if you think that treating a woman well means "always getting her approval and permission for things," think again.
You will never succeed by looking for approval. Women actually get annoyed at men who seek their approval.
Doubt me? Just ask any attractive woman if wussy guys who chase her around and want her approval annoy her.
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Jun 28, 2005, 02:09 PM
Trying to buy her affection
How many times have you taken a woman out to a nice dinner, bought her gifts and flowers, and had her reject you for someone who didn't treat her even half as well as you did?
If you're like me, then you've had it happen a lot .
Well guess what? It's only natural when this happens.
That's right, I said natural .
When you do these things, you're sending a clear message: "I don't think you'll like me for who I am, so I'm going to try to buy your attention and affection."
Your good intentions usually come across to women as overcompensation for insecurity, and weak attempts at manipulation. That's right, I said that women see this as manipulation .
Sharing your feelings too early
Another huge and unfortunate mistake that most men make with women is sharing how they "feel" too early on.
Attractive women are rare. And they get a lot of attention from men.
Most men don't realize this, but attractive women are approached in one way or another all the time .
An attractive woman is often approached several times a day by men who are interested. This translate into dozens of times per week, and often hundreds of times per month.
And guess what? Attractive women have usually dated a lot of men.
That's right. They have experience . They know what to expect.
And nothing turns an attractive women off and sends her running away faster than a guy who starts saying "You know, I really, really like you" after only one or two dates.
This signals to the woman that you're just like all the other guys who fall for her too fast... And can't control themselves.
Don't do it. Lean back. Relax. There's a much better way...
Not "getting" how attraction works
Women are very different from men when it comes to attraction . You need to accept this fact, and deal with it.
When a man sees a beautiful, young, sexy woman, he instantly feels a sexual attraction.
But does the same apply for women?
Well, after studying this topic for over five full years, I can tell you that women usually have their "attraction mechanisms" triggered by things other than looks.
Have you ever noticed that you see a lot more average and unattractive men with beautiful women than the other way around?
Think about it.
Women are more attracted to certain qualities in men... And they're more attracted to the way that a man makes them feel than they are to looks alone.
If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that you feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.
But it's not an accident. You have to learn how to do this. And any guy can learn how.
Thinking that it takes money & looks
One of the most common mistakes that guys make is giving up before they've even gotten started, because they think that attractive women are only interested in men who have looks and money... Or guys who are a certain height... Or guys who are a certain age.
And sure, there are some women who are only interested in these things.
But most women are far more interested in a man's personality than his wallet or his looks.
There are certain personality traits that attract women like a magnet...
And if you learn what they are and how to use them, you can be one of those guys.
You do not have to "settle" for a woman just because you aren't rich, tall or handsome.
Let me say this again: If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that you feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman .
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Jun 28, 2005, 02:10 PM
Giving up power
Earlier I mentioned that it's a mistake to look to a woman for approval or permission.
Well, a similar mistake occurs when a guy gives his power away to a woman.
Said differently, guys try to get women to like them by doing whatever the woman wants.
And that's another bad idea...
Women are never attracted to men that they can walk all over... Women aren't attracted to wussies!
Failing to read dating situations
Now I'm going to blow your mind... A woman always knows what you're thinking.
Women are approximately 10 times better than men at reading body language. That's 10 times .
I know, it might be hard to believe. But, for example, if you're out on a date with a woman, and you want to kiss her, she knows it.
And if you don't know exactly what to do and exactly how to kiss her, and you just sit there looking at her and getting nervous, she won't help!
And this goes for all aspects of women and dating...
Approaching a woman, getting her number, asking her out, kissing her, getting physical... Everything.
If you don't know what to do in each situation, you will probably screw it up... And lose everything .
And you know it.
It is vitally important that you know exactly how to go from one step to the next with a woman... From the first meeting, all the way to the bedroom.
Not getting help
This is the biggest mistake of them all.
This is the mistake that keeps most men from ever having the kind of success with women that they truly want.
I know that guys don't like to make themselves look weak or helpless. We don't like to ask for help. Hey, I've been there myself.
Let me tell you a little about how I figured out how to be successful with women...
About five years ago I became fed up with the fact that I didn't know how to approach, meet and get dates with the women that I was attracted to.
It frustrated the hell out of me.
One night I was out with a friend, and I saw a woman I wanted to ask out, but I just couldn't build up the nerve to do it. I can still remember that night... Right on the spot I made the decision to do whatever it took to learn how to be successful with women and dating.
Well, after a lot of hard work and trying all kinds of crazy things, I finally figured it all out.
I can now approach just about any woman and get her number almost instantly. I've dated models, I've dated actresses and I've dated nice, normal, regular girls as well.
It has been a very rewarding experience. I no longer feel that sick, insecure feeling... The feeling that, because I don't know how to meet women, I might wind up alone.
I know that anytime, anywhere, I can go out and meet attractive women
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