I recently told my husband of 8 years that I no longer want to be around his mother.

We have 2 common children and he has a 13 year old from a previous marriage. His mother pretty much had free reign of his 13 year old and the bio mom was an addict.

When we first married, it was made clear to me that I could never be as good as a mother as his was and it was made VERY clear to me where I was to play a role in his daughters life. Pretty much how and when he and his mother deemed appropritate. I didnt buck it as she was his child and that was the system that they had.

The problem came when we had our own children. My mil assumed that she could maintain control over my children. I did not and will not allow it. MIL is PISSED and often manipulated my husband into yelling, cussing and fighting with me whenever she doesnt get her way (it usually has something to do with the control of my family, home life and the children).

She would often talk to him behind my back, often making false accusations (downright lies) and smile smugly as he would scream at me. It happened over and over again until I had enough. He assured me that he would get his mother to stop it. The problem is that she has not. She has merely sucked the 13 year old into her drama. She has tried to suck my 5 year old in and I out my foot down.

Here is the real problem. The 13 year old has adopted the same control tactics. She and her grandmother arefrequently on the phone "ing" about me. Grandma encourages her to spy on me and report to her so that they can discuss whatever is going one...and approach my husband with accusations...behind my back.

This is where it all ended for me.

I recently found a letter that the 13 year gave to her father trying to manipulate him into allowing her to spend the summer with a friend that lives in a permisive single parent household. She decided to try to use me as her "reason" why she should be allowed to.

She told him that she cant stand the thought of spending the summer with me (I am a stay at home mom) because she would be bored as she would have to stay in her room all summer to avoid me because I am supposedly mean to her. WHICH IS A COMPLETE LIE. If anything she and her grandmother have controlled my family for so long and I recently got tired of it and stand up to the 13 year old and my mother in law.

It was the last straw. I have overheard the grandmother saying manipulative things to my 5 year old in an effort to undermine me and alienate me from my own daughter.

I told my husband that I was done with her. That I no longer wanted to be around her (it has been 8 years of the same behaviors) and that if our children were to be around her that they would have to be SUPERVISED!

He is trying to blame me for it all. He is saying things to me that I am not able to forgive and that by setting boundaries I am just pushing people out of my life. He accuses me of not being able to "let the past go". It isn't one incident. It is multiple incidents or behaviors that are now trickling down to the children. I am through with dealing with her.

AM I so wrong????

califdadof3

The sad part is that you are likely facing a divorce in your future. By your situation it sounds like he cant stand up to his mother for what ever reasons. Minipulation of the children is flat out child abuse and your correct for not tolerating it. You have many hard decisions to make. But when parents get in the way of relationships of thier children your choices are limited. Be very careful with your steps and good luck.

ChrissyO39

I have been married to my husband for 8 years. It has been a tough time and has only recently been looking up.

We were a blended family. He had custody of his child as his ex wife was a drug addict, he had given drugs up but switched to alcohol. I did not know that he was switching addictions. His mother basically raised his daughter.

I had 2 girls that are since moved out and on there own.

My problem is with my mother in law.

From day one I was informed that I would never be as "good" as a mother as his and that he would ALWAYS choose his daughter over me (I would never even fathom thinking about asking him to do such a thing).

I was told by my mother in law when pregnant with our first child that she would never love a child like she loved his daughter from a previous marriage. Just to set the background.

Over the 8 years she has talked about me behind my back to my husband. She has made false accusations and assumptions that have resulted in him screaming and yelling at me. I watched her smile smugly with pleasure at how easily she could manipulate him. It usually always revolved around her being upset about her lack of control with my children, my home, or MY family life.

The pattern continued to get worse and worse until I laid down the law with my husband. He told be that he "supposedly" told her to knock it off. I thought it was taken care of...it was not.

I began noticing that my step-daughter (her golden child) was starting to become more and more alienated from me and was starting to manipulate her father into yelling at me (just the same way that my mother in law did). It got to the point that I simply avoided her, did not ask anything of her and pretty much let her do whatever she wanted by staying out of her way.

One day I overheard her "gossiping" about me to my mother in law. I told my husband about it and he just made "excuses" for them...saying that her grandma has always been important to her and that what did I want, did I want for her to have no one to talk to...so I let it go.

Than a month later I found a letter that my step-daughter wrote to my husband. Basically she wanted permission to stay with a friend that summer whose mother is a single working parents which allows the kids to run the streets most of the time.

She made up lies about me saying that he should let her stay with her friend because it would be too awful to be around me (I am a stay at home mom) because I am so mean to her and she would have to stay in her room the entire time. The reality is quite the opposite. My husband and mother in law have set her up to run and control our household. I stay out of her way to avoid causing pain and conflict for an innocent child (my step daughter).

It was the last straw for me as my mother in law has continued to be malicious and now her behvior patterns were trickilng down to the children in our family. I told him that under no uncertain terms would I allow her to alienate MY children from me as she had done with my step daughter. I have heard many the alientating remarks that she has said to my now 5 year old and quickly confronted her and she just trys to get my daughter into another room.

I have told my husband that I am through. I AM DONE. I no longer want her in my life. I cannot control what she does, but I can control what I DO and I have the responsiblility to make sure that she does not mentally abuse my children the way she has my step daughter.

I told him that I would encourage him to have a relationship with his family but that he should NEVER leave my children alone with her. She is not to be trusted as she has a history of alientating abusive behaviors and I WILL NOT ALLOW HER TO ABUSE MY CHILDREN.

He is trying to blame me. He is saying things to me along the lines that I am unforgiving and I just want to run away or push my problems out of my life. He accuses me of not being able to let go of the past.

My question is:

AM I SO WRONG?

I think not.

notsogreat

This lady sounds alot like my almost mother in law. I just think she behaves this way because she is afraid that her son will lose his love for her which is ridiculous. I had to try to reassure my ex's mother that he loved us both the same (in different ways of course), but that did not stop her from still trying to manipulate me, him and everything else to make her look like the loving, innocent person she portrayed herself to be. I was with him ten years, we broke up, he chose to be with someone else, and then she tried to do the same thing to his current fiance, this time using me as the pawn. I woke up to that, and cut her out of my life. You are doing the right thing, by trying to protect yourself and your children, at the same time not alienating him from his family. I am sure it will cause some tension at times, but it certainly will be better than all the fighing and arguing that she seems to be causing you and your husband. Relationships are tough enough without outside influences involved, so I wish you the best of luck.

Imabadman

Tough situation. Have you sat down with your MIL (mother in law) and husband to try and work this out? Talking about actual facts not assumptions and speculation. To me that's your first step.

Your MIL is your husbands blood but at the same time he should be supporting/supportive of you. It's so hard to say as this is such a tough situation... If you've explored all options and are getting no support from you husband maybe counceling?

SmileyFace1

The problem isn't your MIL it is your husband. He needs to set his mother straight until he does that she will always rule