A different kind of space.

HistorianChick · Feb 18, 2010, 07:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MLB33

She even looked different last night. She wasn't mean or anything but her voice just sounds like she is going to stick to her guns and let this go and that's her final answer. Her eyes don't look the same. She's not mean, she's just.....cold. Not the same girl at all right now.

She's done. You need to resolve yourself to the fact.

I'm sorry, but that's the way I see it.

talaniman · Feb 18, 2010, 08:34 AM

I think one of the reasons your confused is because you have bought into the idea that this was all your fault, and none of hers. That's hardly ever true, as the way I see it, she is as responsible for the failure of this relationship, as you are.

In fact if you really look at it, despite the initial attraction that got you started, and the emotional attachment that formed after, you were in the long run, incompatible for whatever reason, so essentially, there is no fault, it just didn't work well that long. It happens all the time, and probably will happen again, but we as humans will try again any way.

that's just the way we are. We are always looking for reason to explain why things happen the way they do, and the simple answer is, they just do. We also learn to let go, be happy, until the next adventure, interest, problem, or whatever comes to distract us from the fact that life just is.

You will be okay in time, and wonder what the big deal was with this female once the next one appears. Of course you can't see that right now, because your still fresh from the dust of the last one. But you will be.

We all go through those changes, matter of fact, its one thing after another, and the good news is, its going to happen whether you can see it coming or not, or whether your ready or not (or is that the bad news?).

You'll see.

MLB33 · Feb 22, 2010, 06:15 AM

UPDATE: Ok first, please just don't give me the standard answer and say move on. I know I prob need to. My ex of one week called Friday night and we talked for about 30 min. It was a good conversation and she said the reason that I was confused was because she was confused. Great answer huh. She told me thanks for giving her the space she ask for and that she would call me this week sometime, if she could wait that long. Ok so, I broke and sent her a txt last night, just saying hope you had a good weekend. We sent 4 or 5 text back and forth and she said she hoped that I had a better week this week. I don't ask if she just wanted me to be over her and she said "right now.....yes." Right now? I know I told her I would be here for her and I will but what the hell kind of answer is that? Again, she did tell me she needed some space to figure some things out so I don't know. Can anybody make anything of that?

Also, if she does call back, am I suppose to be busy, sad, excited, or what to her?

Thanks

talaniman · Feb 22, 2010, 07:12 AM

I have to say your waiting for her to make a decision, and go back to the good times. That's the problem, as your not accepting her feelings have changed, and she is confused about what to do about it. If you weren't so caught up in false hope you would see she is only buying time and putting off the inevitable. She is weaning herself off you slowly so she doesn't suffer.

For your part, your letting her do things her way and not reading the handwriting on the wall, and the obvious, and making your own decision to do what's best for you, and move on.

Sorry guy, your continued reluctance to face the facts and move on, will keep you confused and miserable.

Let me know when your ready to heal properly and are ready to accept the standard answer is your solution.

MLB33 · Feb 23, 2010, 10:46 AM

Ok, try to make this brief. Obviously a lot, if not all, of the questions on here about NC are hoping that somebody is going to say "yeah go ahead and call her." That is not the case and I understand why....BUT, being a guy that is on a "break" by request from his ex girlfriend, for a week and a half now, I just don't understand why you should NEVER text or call back an ex if they initiate the conversation?

I do understand that if could set you back, but what if they are reaching out and then when they get ignored, they are thinking "well I guess I really screwed this one up."

I know I know, if they want to make it work bad enough, they will keep trying, but if they are reading stuff like we are, then I can just see an answer on here that says "you made the decision to take the break, now he's gone, so go NC and just move on." That wouldn't be the case at all.

This is a possibiltiy for some of us. I don't know know, but I"m almost positive that she will try to contact me at some point and I don't want it to be misinterpreted and I want to be prepared for it. I don't at all mean, I would send back 4 texts saying how much I love and miss her but you know what I mean. Why completely ignore it? I'm just looking for a discussion here and now a quick answer like "b/c its now about you and you don't need to step backwards."

Thanks

Imabadman · Feb 23, 2010, 10:58 AM

If you want to move on with your life and never get involved with the EX again… then Hardcore No Contact is the medicine you need. Taken daily for a series of several months and you’ll be feeling better in no time.

However, you're exactly right about your assumptions and this shows a bit of thought and maturity rarely seen here. Ultimately if you want to get back together you will need to reestablish contact with the EX. With contact comes excitement, fear, sadness, joy, and a host of other emotions. For most people this is where the problem lies. They lose it... You cannot read into their, the EX's, contact. Take it for face value or the spoken word. You cannot compromise yourself or your values, e.g. Friends with benefits. Don’t wait around on empty promises. Don’t try to be their friend thinking you'll get back together when it’s destroying you emotionally and mentally. No begging, no pleading. Keep your dignity and pride in check.

So yeah… when an EX has reached out to me in the past I’ve talked. You can too, but you must be able to remain unemotional and rational. THINK before you act or commit. Expect nothing and be prepared to walk away if the contact does not meet your needs.

Good post by the way.

talaniman · Feb 23, 2010, 11:12 AM

If you are in a state of shock, and so hurt by a break, or break up, lets be real, what kind of decisions are you going to make? From the heart, and your hurt, and disappointed feelings of course. Your trying to heal yourself with the hope of going back to be happy with the one who no longer has the same feelings you have. (fact)

When your talking to someone trying to keep them in your life, what are you going to hear? Your hurt feelings, that latch on to any glimmer of hope, and usually end up being happy with crumbs. (false hope)

Until you have dealt with your feelings, and can glean facts, from feelings, you stay with NC no matter what, because that's how you get back to the reality of what your faced with. It takes time to make the right adjustments that personal disasters bring, and that's what NC is about, making time to recover from the shock of personal disasters.

A broken heart seldom sees the facts, and facts are what you must face, to make good decisions for yourself. Most people after a period of NC, never want to go back, just because the see better options and opportunities going forward. Wonder why?

Good question by the way.

MLB33 · Feb 23, 2010, 11:17 AM

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and put some thought into your answer. I don't at all mean to knock anybody in here because I know everybody is hurting and everyone just wants to help, but I just don't like the "robot" answer of just go NC. Even if its the right one.

In my situation, my ex has a TON of stress on her right now and there's so much more to it than I could ever type. I'm sure that everybody says that and I know to you it probably sounds like I'm trying to justify her actions. (We are both 27, just fyi). But, if she comes around, I have been praying so much about it, and just that Gods will, will be done, but then I go on and try to tell God what his will for me is haha. Seriously though, I'm trying not to pray selfishly, but I, among a lot of others in here, just really love this girl and want the best for her.....I would be lying if I said that I didn't want it to be me.

You are right though....I think the problem lies, where we get so emotional and our response to her initiating contact, turns into, I love you's and why's and so on, but if we keep our emotions in check (which is so much easier to do while I'm typing this than in the situation) I don't necessarily think its a bad thing at all. No expectations.

I wish · Feb 23, 2010, 11:20 AM

Steps:

1) You are in a relationship.

2) Person B asks person A (i.e. you) for a break.

3) Person A let's person B how he/she feels before going on a break.

4) Give time and space.

5) During which time, person A has options:

a) Wait it out and see what happens. There's always a chance for the other person to come back, but you will need to fix the problems that made you go on a break in the first place, otherwise the relationship will end anyway.

B) Contact them:
i) If person B doesn't respond:
A) Want more time

B) No longer interested and asking for time and space was just an excuse to let them down easy.

ii) If they wanted you back, they would take the initiative to contact you anyway. Why would they need you to do it? You already told them how you feel. Therefore, no point to contact them.

c) No waiting. Quit putting your life on hold and move on.

When someone asks for a break, it means they've given up working on the relationship with the other person. Asking for a break also means that you're ready to loose the other person. Whether the other person comes back to you or not, these two factors will always be in the history books (giving up and prepared to loose the other person).

MLB33 · Feb 23, 2010, 11:22 AM

Tal - completely agree with you here. Don't take my questions as objections. Just trying to see from another angle that's all. Again, I do agree with you and understand what you are saying

A different kind of space.

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