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    NJCUTIE77's Avatar
    NJCUTIE77 Posts: 48, Reputation: 6
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    #1

    Dec 15, 2006, 06:56 AM
    Difference Between Taking A Break And Breaking Up
    Hi... What is the difference between "taking a break" and "breaking up"... if you are "taking a break" and the guy gives you a time limit... what does that mean. My boyfriend and I recently took "a break"... when I considered it a "break up" he got upset and said that's not what he meant and needed time to sort out stuff... I have another post up here that explains the situation so it was pretty heavy duty... It has been two weeks and there has been the NC rule going on... I still have his stuff, he has mine... He also owes me money which he knows and said he would give me... but I'm just so confused of this whole mess... Thanks
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #2

    Dec 15, 2006, 07:16 AM
    LOL, if only you knew what a timely topic this is!

    I would not call it a break since its too similar to a break up. I call it a separation. To be effective, it should have terms that are mutually acceptable to both parties up front -- kind of like a cease fire, if you will. Two important things need to be included: for how long and what actions/changes are to be expected during this period. Without those its difficult to know if its worth signing up for most people. It means the relationship is still active, that fidelity or other aspects of the relationship still need to be maintained. It is not a time to go try on someone else as a potential partner or to try on being single again as those ethically require a break up. That is based on the understanding that you cannot casually take a relationship on and off like a coat. Separation is a time to clear heads and hearts and each look at their part of the problems being caused in the relationship so that constructive solving may begin. It can be a really useful way to change the course of a damanged relationship and prevent it from ending. My mate and I used it successfully before we were married and I believe we would again, should it be necessary.

    A break up means the relationship is ended. From that point on you are considered two single people who will need a lot of time to recover from the painful loss. It is important for the one being left to understand that its over when their partner says it is, especially if separation or any other reconciliation like counseling is considered and rejected. No contact is meant to facility that grieving/healing process. There is considerable debate here about whether a person can or should attempt to restore a relationship after a break up and how to go about that. Some think its very doable while others, like myself, think it amounts to holding out false hope because of the incredibly poor odds and the lack of understanding of what it takes to restore an obviously troubled relationship. Because many people lack the emotional fortitude to create a clean break with their partner, they blur the lines between break up and break, which creates maddening and heartbreaking confusion for the one being left. The most quick way to end that pain is to ask if it is over and believe them when they say yes, bearing in mind that "I don't know" is a child's answer. Breaking up is not a legitimate way of saying "I don't like what's happening to us" (another thing that children playing "dress up" with "relationships" do) -- that's what talking is for while you are still in the relationship. Its either a separation or a break up, I don't think a third option exists.

    I hope that was helpful.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #3

    Dec 16, 2006, 06:58 AM
    A separation is a planned vacation in a relationship to let both partners get their heads together. A break so to speak. A mutual thing to work on things and continue the relationship.
    A break up is you go your way and do as you please and I'll go my way and do as I please. Its over at this point and can be done whether one partner feels that way or not. Doesn't have to be mutual, but is THE END of that relationship.
    tadano's Avatar
    tadano Posts: 20, Reputation: 11
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    #4

    Dec 16, 2006, 03:26 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
    Because many people lack the emotional fortitude to create a clean break with their partner, they blur the lines between break up and break, which creates maddening and heartbreaking confusion for the one being left.
    How true. And I think part of the problem is that so few people understand the difference. My ex wanted a "break," but she couldn't agree to staying faithful to me, she couldn't give me any sense of how long she needed... she really didn't know what she wanted herself.

    Which is a shame, because I think a break could've worked really well for us. There was no other guy in our case, or anything like that. She really wanted this for all the reasons a person normally wants a break, but (partly my fault, the way I handled it) it didn't go down like that. I just keep telling myself that it's better this way.
    NJCUTIE77's Avatar
    NJCUTIE77 Posts: 48, Reputation: 6
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    #5

    Dec 17, 2006, 11:50 AM
    And what if someone says, "I need month to figure myself out" and tells you to hold on to their stuff.. but they want No contact for that month?
    Makiavelic76's Avatar
    Makiavelic76 Posts: 96, Reputation: 14
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    #6

    Dec 17, 2006, 12:24 PM
    Well, be sure what does "hold on my stuff" really means. I think the recommendation talking about "breaks", on sorting the 2 points (for how long, and what would the terms of the separation) are the best advice here. You need to clear it up the 2nd point.

    If he wants NC for a month, well give him that, maybe he need all his mental energy in resolving the issues he has. I would say that, you can ask him what his problems are, and if he doesn't want to share it with you, well just tell him, that you would be ready to support him.

    But remember, there's a time limit and there are some boundiries previously established. Hopefully with this agreement and your care expressed, your break will feel more like a Win/Win situation

    Mes meilleurs voeux pour toi, Mademoiselle
    NJCUTIE77's Avatar
    NJCUTIE77 Posts: 48, Reputation: 6
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    #7

    Dec 17, 2006, 01:07 PM
    Well... he gave me the time limit of a "month or so"... He said that when he gets a new place wants me to be part of it... Told me to hold on to his stuff... said he would call... I told him I didn't want to see anyone else... he agreed to that... shook his head yes when I brought up waiting for him... so I really don't know what this is considered...
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Dec 17, 2006, 04:42 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by NJCUTIE77
    Well.... he gave me the time limit of a "month or so"... He said that when he gets a new place wants me to be part of it.... Told me to hold on to his stuff... said he would call... I told him i didn't want to see anyone else... he agreed to that... shook his head yes when i brought up waiting for him... so I really don't know what this is considered....
    This is a separeration, because you have a specific agreement in place and have agreed to wait for that period. AT THE END OF THAT TIME, BOTH PARTIES HAVE TO TALK, AND COME TO SOME SORT OF PLAN, OR CONCLUSION AS TO WHAT TO DO WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP.

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