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I didn't follow the No Contact rule. Have I ruined my chance of getting my ex back?

Asked Mar 28, 2011, 05:17 AM — 15 Answers
The No Contact rule is a very famous rule where the dumpee avoids all contact from the dumper, until he starts to miss her and comes back to her. But unfortunately, I DID NOT follow that rule. I was so hurt and shocked when my boyfriend, Jake, of 6 months broke up with me, that I did everything that you're NOT supposed to do following a break up.

Two months ago, I got into an argument with Jake and I suggested we break up, although it was not what I really intended. He, however, took it seriously and stopped contacting me. I waited two days before calling him and apologizing, and asked him to take me back. He agreed to do so, but six hours later he told me it felt "unnatural and forced" and left me for good.

Now this is where I should've applied the No Contact rule, right? Well you have no idea HOW HARD it is to follow that rule in practice. I was crying, I was on the phone with my girlfriends all night, I stopped going to college and I stopped eating. I was too insane to be following some rule.

After he broke up with me, three days later he called to ask me how I was doing. I can't figure out if it was a call made out of guilt, pity, or did he just genuinely care about me? What's your opinion on it?

Well, him calling me put me in a state of false hope. I started analyzing his every word during our conversation, but I couldn't come to a conclusion whether he still loved me or not. So I did the WORST thing you could possibly do - I called his BEST FRIEND. I called his best friend to ask him what Jake was thinking. Then I told his best friend not to tell anyone I called - however, obviously he told Jake.

So Jake decided to meet up with me. I asked him if he thought that I was clingy and desperate by calling his best friend. He didn't answer me, he just stared at his hands. That moment cut my heart in half. He told me he loved me but he just can't see a future with me, because he can't handle how I always ask for a break-up every time we argue. I told him I'd change but he just wanted out.

So NOW, only, have I been following the No Contact rule. But do you think it's TOO LATE for me to use that rule?

What I'm torn between is, I'm afraid if I don't contact him he'll think I stopped caring. And on the other hand if I DO contact him, I'm afraid he'll think I'm desperate and needy. HOW?

I'm so confused. Is it really too late to get him back? Many of you may not understand me when I say this, but he really is the one for me. I love him and I absolutely cannot imagine life without him.

What do I do? How do I handle this situation?! Is there really no other choice but to let go...?

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15 Answers
Devorameira's Avatar
Devorameira Posts: 2,462, Reputation: 4960
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#2

Mar 28, 2011, 05:50 AM
You need to read the sticky, "The Meaning of No Contact (NC)".

No Contact rule isn't a means of getting back the ex...it's a means of getting over the relationship!

Why did you two break up in the first place?
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sharper11's Avatar
sharper11 Posts: 366, Reputation: 513
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#3

Mar 28, 2011, 05:54 AM
You are not alone in the way you feel. When a solid relationship falls apart, the "dumpee" is typically heartbroken. This can lead to obsessive behaviors (like calling too much or accidentally driving by the persons house just to see if they are there.)

In your case, you brought this on yourself. I've been in relationship where the partner is saying they want to break up every argument . . After a while, it sticks. First, it is annoying as hell, second, you planting the idea in your partners head.

I do not know if the relationship can be saved, but my advice is to stop contacting him, and expect this to NOT go anywhere. If he calls you, talk to him, roll with. Let him know how you feel (be normal about it).

Breakups are hard to deal with and its normal to be confused, hurt, scared etc. BUT do not obsess over it. Realize mistakes were made and move on and learn from them.

Good luck.
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redhed35's Avatar
redhed35 Posts: 4,211, Reputation: 9631
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#4

Mar 28, 2011, 05:59 AM
No contact means just that. No contact, not playing a game.

He wants out, he does not want a relationship with you,he does not want to hear from you and I'm sure he does not want you contacting his friends.

He is not the one for you, if he was you would be together.

Breakups hurt, so don't rely on your broken heart to guide you, its broken, use your common sense, use your head.

Apply no contact only for YOU, its for you to heal and move on, not for him to miss you, he doesn't miss you,his call was perhaps out of concern not love or hopes of getting back together.

You lived quite happily before him, and you will again.

Gather emotional support around and for future relationships, don't break up with someone if you don't mean it, you have learnt that the hard way.
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amicon's Avatar
amicon Posts: 6,063, Reputation: 9563
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#5

Mar 28, 2011, 07:12 AM
You need to listen to what he says,he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

So you stick to no contact and heal.

It will take time,but keeping busy and being active will help.
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talaniman's Avatar
talaniman Posts: 44,371, Reputation: 50371
Senior Family & People Expert
  
#6

Mar 28, 2011, 07:20 AM


No, its not to late to go complete NC. Then you can stop obsessing over things you cannot have (HIM), and start doing other things that make you happy, so you can heal, and move on.

We all know how hard it is, but its the best way.
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hidden123's Avatar
hidden123 Posts: 153, Reputation: 254
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#7

Mar 28, 2011, 11:06 AM
As shocking as it may sound to you - most people on here have been through what you're going through or some version of it - that's why we can understand..

It's very hard, but it's not too late to go NC.. When you go NC, try not to sit by the phone and wait for his phone call.. Try to use that time to do things you did before you met him.. Get back in touch with yourself.. Good luck..
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I wish's Avatar
I wish Posts: 5,256, Reputation: 10093
Family & People Expert
  
#8

Mar 28, 2011, 11:37 AM


I believe that you have some confusion over what no contact means. Check out the no contact related threads in my signature.

Basically, if you want him back, then let her know, which you have already done. If he doesn't want you back, then you need to accept his decision.

As for no contact, the threads in my signature gives a full blown explanation, but no contact is so that you can heal from this break up and not to win him back.
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loveher4eva's Avatar
loveher4eva Posts: 73, Reputation: 10
Junior Member
  
#9

Apr 4, 2011, 02:57 AM
Just a side question here, what if your ex's family have become a family to you and you are all on good terms with each other? Are you meant to not contact them? Even if you don't bring up your ex in conversation? In this day and age with facebook its seems harsh to block contact with your ex family
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talaniman's Avatar
talaniman Posts: 44,371, Reputation: 50371
Senior Family & People Expert
  
#10

Apr 4, 2011, 07:32 AM


Healing must come first, or any contact with the ex's family will only make you feel the same way as contact with the ex.

Once you have a proper healing, then you can deal with his family in a healthy way.
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