My boyfriend and I have been together since September 2007. We've known each other since 2005, work together, and have always been good friends. As friends, we both felt a spiritual connection to each other. We loved being around each other and just talking, and we missed each other when we were not together. My love and attraction for him grew over time and one day I told him how I felt. He was surprised and excited to hear this since he felt the same way. When we became more, our relationship was intense with a deep spiritual love. The experiences we had, the way we felt was overwhelming. One thing you must know is that my boyfriend fiercely values honesty, truth and sharing in a relationship. It was one of the first things he told me. I value those same things. Those are the building blocks of a strong committed relationship.

Last summer I registered onto a social networking site. Two of my friends on it are ex-boyfriends (I've since deleted one). My relationship status with one ex said "we worked together" which was true (this was 8 years ago). A few months into my relationship with boyfriend the ex requested a change in our relationship from 'we worked together' to 'we dated'. I accepted that change because it was true. I admit that I accepted the change without thinking of my boyfriend, how that might hurt his feelings or cause him concern. I didn't see it as being disrespectful to him. It was just the truth about an old relationship.

My boyfriend saw that change and questioned me on it. He wanted to know why I changed the relationship now that I was with him and who requested the change. I told him from the beginning that the ex requested the change. Then he wanted to know why I accepted it now that I was with him. It didn’t have to do with me being with my current boyfriend or not, but he thinks it does. I told him that it was the truth so why not accept it. I didn't see anything wrong with it at the time. I now believe I was disrespectful and didn’t consider my boyfriend’s feelings. But I accepted it for me as part of healing from the past relationship, which I won’t get into.

For several months we discussed the why, fought about the why. Over time the fighting became worse, I became more frustrated and would lash out; there was lying on my part to try and figure out why I did it. Two more things also happened. Following the ‘we dated’ the same ex emailed me and started it with ‘hello my pretty’ and then wished me a merry xmas and happy new year. I didn’t respond to his message. My boyfriend asked me to email him to tell him not to refer to me that way and that I was in a relationship, but I didn’t. I just ignored it. Probably 3 months later the other ex on my site emailed me to say he was going to be in town in the summer and maybe we could get together (he’s married with two kids). Again, I didn’t respond to the email. I had no interest in seeing this ex so I just ignored his message. My boyfriend saw it as me wanting these guys to think I’m available and interested and leading them on, but that was never my intention. My boyfriend now wants to know why I didn't respond to them to tell them it was inappropriate, I'm with someone, etc.

After 9 months my boyfriend believes I emotionally cheated and we’re now losing what we had at the beginning. He doesn’t trust me or believe in me. He questions whether I want an honest, loving, committed relationship with one person. I absolutely want this and want it with him, but his faith is broken. I love my boyfriend and I’m committed to him, but he doesn’t believe me. Have I emotionally cheated? Have I been emotionally unfaithful?

Um. To answer your question... no.

This is what I think. Take it with a grain of salt. In fact, a spoonful.

I think your boyfriend is immature, selfish, controlling, and has extremely low self esteem and jealousy issues. I say this, assuming that all you said above is the "whole" truth and you didn't twist anything. Of course there will be bias... but... as long as it was the truth.

You befriended an ex... from... years ago?. so the heck what? You also put that you've DATED... not "dating" but "dated"... again, so what? As long as you told your current boyfriend that he's the ex from the past.. who cares? Why would you need to consider your current boyfriend about something like that?. does he also want you to ask before you go pee?

The e-mails... I "sorta" understand his getting upset about the "hey pretty"... but... if I got mad every time a guy called a girl I was with "gorgeous" or "beautiful"... I would never have a girl. It's not like he said, "God I want you now" he said "hey, what's up?"

The ex that is married and has kids... that wants to just hang out with you... WHY ON EARTH IS YOUR BF MAD ABOUT THIS?! 1. He's married... has kids. Right here, as long as you said, "hey sweetie, my ex is coming into town and wants to catch up...he's married, has kids..." he should have been OK with that. But you... didn't go. In fact, you didn't even respond. And he got mad because you didn't respond?. he would have gotten mad if you DID respond.

The only thing he wouldn't have gotten mad about was if you said, "LAY OFF CREEP, I HAVE A BF"... but that's just rude and uncalled for.

I'm sure there was some miscommunication... lack of... whatnot. But I also think this guy has major jealousy issues and self esteem issues that this kid needs to work out on his own.

Sneezy, this just firmly cementes it, social networking sites are simply the damn devil for relationships these days. Before the whole Facebook and myspace craze, when you didn't want to see/talk to an ex, you simply didn't. You blocked their screen name on instant messenger and went along your merry way

Seems to me you could have avoided this whole mess, by considering your b/f first, and just done a few little things to make him happy. You put someone before him, and just to be clear, he didn't like it, nor should he.

You dropped the ball on that one.

I agree with Talaniman. I don't think your boyfriend is immature, selfish, controlling, and has extremely low self esteem and jealousy issues. It is a matter of respect and he felt you disrespected his feelings on the matter.

It could have been avoided and you do have to take some responsibility for what your boyfriend is feeling about the situation. Maybe you need to ask yourself how important is your boyfriend to you? How important is it to have him trust you again?

You said you loved your boyfriend and are committed to him. Commitment doesn't just mean being only sexually committed to him. It means being emotionally there as well and a whole lot more. That doesn't mean you have to give up any of your friends and if so that would be wrong but I am not getting that impression that he wants you to do that. He was okay with you being on this site, what has bothered him is you going against his wishes.

I forgot one critical thing here.....put yourself in your boyfriends shoes and look at this situation from his perspective. If the situation was turned around and he was the one talking to ex girlfriends and put them first before you and disrespected your wishes.....would you be okay with it? Or would it feel to you that something just wasn't quite right about it?

I think at least part of the reason it has escalated the way it has is because your boyfriend does feel excluded, disrespected & your reaction to the situation has made it easy for him to be in that situation.

"Over time the fighting became worse, I became more frustrated & would lash out; there was lying on my part to try & figure out why I did it."

You lashed out & lied, why wouldn't he think there was more going on & that he's not getting the whole truth? As mentioned, it doesn't sound like you made much effort to be empathetic, your being defensive & angry makes it easy to think you are hiding something. After all these were ex's, so by seeming to defend your link to them the way you did, it made him at least feel that you didn't value or protect your relationship with him in a way he felt comfortable with.

Without knowing all the details, I'm not sure it would qualify as "emotional cheating" from what you've written. But you may have crossed boundaries that shouldn't have been. When your ex wanted to change it from coworkers to "dated", it was to signify that he'd had a deeper relationship with you than mere coworkers & perhaps that he'd had a sexual relationship with you. Your boyfriend may not want that being advertised even if true, & should be a private matter under the circumstances anyway. No one else needs to know who you did or didn't date on that site but the fact you are in a committed relationship is relevant.

While ex's are ex's for a reason, many times people do have affairs with them. If they aren't important, then it's better to act that way all along & let the past be the past. Unfortunately, the damage has been done as far as your boyfriend is concerned. If this relationship still matters to you, then the sooner you get into damage control mode instead of continuing to justify a hurtful situation for your boyfriend & by extension, you, the better for both.

Letting him know you are sorry he was hurt even though that was not your intention & you should have paid more attention to his feelings, may help get you both on the right footing. As mentioned, think of how you would feel if the situation was reversed & let him know you are committed to him. Ask him what he needs now to feel he can count on you to be there for him. If that's acceptable to you, then do it. If not, then be prepared for this relationship to stay on rocky ground or to end.

I think that your boyfriend needs to see that the reason you didn't reply was because you wanted to pay no mind to the ex because you were so in love with him.

And if he doesn't trust you anymore what is the point in the relationship?

Without trust there can't be love.