Hello

I am riddled with guilt around cheating on my boyfriend. We had an argument because he wouldn't come out with me for my best friends birthday because he would rather sit in smoking weed. I got drunk and kissed a guy and he touched my breasts and private parts in my knickers. I wouldn't have sex with him or give him oral sex. I ran out the room crying that I couldn't do it. I have never been unfaithful this is the first time in our 10 year relationship.

Though I want to explain a few things we have been together since I was 17 years old and I'm nearly 27 now so its been nearly 10 years. We still don't live together as I was at uni and then 2 years back my dad became ill and I have to help him out financially. I have had stress with my boyfriend being addicted to skunk, stuck by him cos of his depression and trying to help him kick the habit.

Apart from this our sex life has been non existent for the past 5 years maybe, he always says its because we don't live together but I think that's not true. Also its more than that its like he just does not fancy me, he loves me and is so intimate in a cute cuddly way but no sexual attention. If we do have sex its not good sex its like he wants to get it over and done with, a quickie from behind. I feel I have to beg for sex also and that makes me feel ugly. But I have put up with it for years cos I love him and I know he loves me and shows me attention apart from sexual. But I'm more like his cute cuddly girlfriend.

Furthermore a few months back before my slip up at the weekend, I caught him cheating via texts. He believes its not cheating but I believe it is, has he has humiliated me that he cant have sex with me but has phone sex with a random woman he met on sex text chat line. The text I caught him with was "when will you be home so i can see your big hard cock again" so he clearly told her he was at mine. We had a break for a week because of this, he admitted he only fancies me sometimes and was crying he still loves me though. But then he wanted me back when he realised I could find someone else.

What annoys me is he does not make me feel sexy, gets his sexual gratifications from texts but still expects me to be faithful.

I do feel so guilty its killing me plus my dad is in intensive care so this is a bad time in my life. But I feel I did it because he doesn't make the effort like not coming out with me and never giving me sexual attention. It felt good for a man to fancy me and I slipped up, I wish I didn't but I did, plus I was drunk? I mean I'm young and attractive how long do I live like a nun because I love him? And was I wrong to cheat, it was the first time ever in 10 years, I just needed the sexual attention to feel like a woman? Also its not like we have not spoke about it, we have so many times and I have dressed up to spice things up so we have tried and tried how long do we try before we just admit we love each other but sexually compatible?

Should I tell him? Should I feel guilty as he did cheat on me but in a diff way? Should I tell him? His my soul mate? God I'm so stressed and don't need it with my dad in hospital... I was drunk it felt good for a man to show me sexual attention...