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About 9 months ago I met a married man it started out purely as FREINDS... As I am also married. I was going through a very hard time with my husband and asked him to move out. This man I thought was also in the same spot. He was so funny and I told myself it would stay as friends.
One night we all went out as a group and things happened between myself and the married man, that I can't get over or forgive myself for. Despite that I haven't slept with my husband in almost a year, it is still wrong.
To make matters worse I fell in love with this guy who continues to lie to me telling me he loves me and will leave his wife. I don't want to wake up anymore due to the guilt and damage this man has done. One night a bunch of us went over his house and I found an ovulation kit in his bathroom trash. That made me feel horrible and so betrayed. Amazing how he hates his wife, but yet is trying to have a child with her.
I just want to feel like a person again, and I used to like looking at the person in the mirror, before this happened. This guy is all I think about, and I can't get it out of my head. He made so many empty promises, and even said he loved me.
How do you get past something like this, and would a guy lie when he said I love you?
No judging as it seems you are judging yourself for your mistake.
Men who want or know they will get sex will lie, lie, and lie some more. If a man is married to another woman, always presume he is lying, because he is. If he wasn't lying, his wife would know about you.
I am guessing this man is a coworker? If so, you may need to leave your job. The only way you can fix this is going no contact. You shouldn't ever see him again unless it is purely by accident, and even then, avoid him. If he is otherwise someone you know through a friend, you need to figure out a way to avoid contact with him.
Feelings fade. You need to know that what you feel for him is not "real love." Real love does not involve the emotions you are feeling: suspicion, betrayal, jealousy, guilt, self-loathing. What you are feeling is more of an emotional attachment based on an unhealthy mental state at the time you and he began the affair. If you keep telling yourself "it's not love" it may help.
Clear him out of your life for good. Don't see him, don't call him, don't accept his calls, tell him to eff off.
And if you think it may help, even a tiny bit, start seeing a therapist.
you have to shut him out of your life. anything less is kidding yourself. you arent going to begin to recover until you remove him.
not your fault he lied. your fault in choosing to be a part of it all. you knew it was wrong. you know it is wrong. and now you are paying a price mentally.
accept nothing from him. words are hollow. until you demand and expect more for yourself, and are willing to have the discipline to wait, you arent going to be in a better place.
so start now. today. remove those things that are keeping you from looking at yourself in the mirror. and let yourself be sad and lonely at the loss of your relationships. dont try to fill that void with anything.
and you need to deal with your marriage. not sure whats going on there, but its something you are going to need to deal with.
Thanks for the answers... I am working on seeing a therapist soon so I can try and move on with my life. I don't work with him, so there is no reason to see him. Except for the fact that he calls me once a week to tell me how his wife is on the way out. And asks me to wait for him??? I thinks its a ploy so I don't spill the beans to anyone. Like I said he did some really BAD things... I don't know if my realtionship w/my husband can survive the guilt I feel??? But I blame myself for being fooled. One of my friends said he is PROFESSIONAL in the area of scams, and I was good prey... Ironically I am a psy major who thought this would never happen to me, because of the values and principles I believe in.
well... doctors can become drug addicts, etc. just because you are trained in an area doesnt mean you approach your life with a clear perspective. its easy to give advice to your friends. we are often most critical of ourselves, but at the same time we ignore the advice we would clearly give others in the same situation.
scour the threads here. i dont think i have seen one with a married man and other woman that ended with "he finally left her and we are together, happy ever after"...
im not saying a person cant leave a marriage and find another relationship that will last. i have a close relative who did just that. the second marriage is great, and she met him as he was leaving his first.
but... nothing about his actions speak with conviction. stop making excuses for him and for yourself. he calls you because you LET him.
you LET him rope you in. as long as you say "but he calls me..." you are letting him in your life.
so... change your number. inconvenient? sure. absolutely. but when my wife had an ex calling at all hours she ended up changing her number no less than two times. so which is more convenient, changing the number and sending a message or dealing with the noise that he feeds you. have you ever thought maybe you are not the only one hes stringing along? why wouldnt he be running this game on more than one woman at a time? just a thought...
so dont blame him for being the reason he is still in your life. you are letting him. you are still waiting for it all to go right. you are enabling the situation. so you need to decide. all in or all out. enough with the in between.
when you sit on top of the fence cause you cannot decide which side to be on all you get is a pain in the a$$.
there is a point where you are a victim. and a point where you choose to play that role.
its not easy. thats ok. but as long as you hold on you are only delaying moving on. that means a lot of needless suffering before you even get to the point of really getting over it all.
Like all relationships you must define the end to start a new beginning.
Let time do what it does best - heal. CUT your ties to this man and you will heal. What you did is the past - as long as you MAKE it the past.
I met this guy almost a year ago. It started out as friends as we were both married. Then we started talking a lot. He told me his problems and I confided in him w mine. We played a sport together so we saw one another at least once a week. He seemed really interested in me and pursued me. I loved the attention he was giving me as my marr was going down hill. My husband and I had a lot of problems not that he is or was a BAD guy we just fell out of love. I am almost 30 and marr my husband at 20. And in the ten years w him I have never CHEATED on him.
But one night I had a little to much 2 drink (NO EXCUSE) and I slept with this guy. It got crazy from that point on. He was filling my head up w all the things I wanted to hear. Telling me that he was going 2 leave his wife and how he wasn't in love w her anymore. He knew I was devastated over what happened, but assured me that he loved me. I couldn't even write down all the things this guy has said and done, because I am embarrassed. I fell totally in love with him. As I still do love him. I just seems impossible to make the right decision or to move on. He told me today his wife is going to the OBGYN to be checked out???? Hmmm... I think it is because she might be pregnant. We have continued this relationship on for about a year, and every time I break it off I give him another chance. Am I stupid or what??? I never LOVED anyone this way and I have let this man destroy me...
Everyone around me says I have changed and no longer that happy go lucky girl they once knew. But I can't talk to anyone about this... No one would understand what I am going through unless they were in my shoes. I am mixed w all sorts of emotions, especially GUILT... How do you get past cheating on someone? Loving someone? Forgiving yourself?
Get away from this man. Don't talk to him, don't take his calls, don't bother yourself with his life, quit the team. This is toxic. You are just torturing yourself.
Remember the last post you made? I don't think the advice is going to change. You know he and his wife are trying to have a baby. He ain't leaving her.
Just stop what you are doing. Do you really want to put a pregnant lady through the torture of finding out her husband is a scumbag? What if she loses her baby? That would only add to your guilt.
Stop trying to convince yourself that this guy loves you. He doesn't love you, he loves your punnanny.
He's still married and he's not leaving his wife obviously, or he would have already done that. I don't think it's fair to you or or husband to stay in your relationship because you guys are not happy and don't love each other. A relationship is built on trust and neither relationship you have right now is trustworthy. It sucks but you must realize you have to move on, and start over. Be single for awhile, find yourself, find that happy go lucky person, then look for a relationship. Good luck!
You also have to think of things this way, your the "2nd" woman in his life. So if he's ok with doing that to his wife, than he's really not a good guy. And you should never put yourself though anything that makes you more unhappy, than happy.
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