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Ok, first of all, this will be quite lengthy...so I apologise in advance.
I was best friends with a girl for 8 years. We fought sometimes but never anything major, until just over 2 years ago. I was dating a guy that I met thru her. I wasnt in love with him, but I really really liked him and really believed that it could go somewhere, unfortunately, he didnt feel the same way and he broke it off with me.
Naturally I went to my best friend for help and advice and a shoulder to cry on. She knew the deal, I liked him for months after we broke up and she kept telling me to forget about him and move on etc ...
A few months after that I started noticing things, she was available a lot less. A few times I'd call her and she wasnt home, and when I saw her and asked where she was she always seemed to hesitate with the answer...A few things pointed to her dating my ex, and I confronted her about it and she was horrified that I'd even asked her that. She denied it completely and we got on with things. However, things STILL kept pointing to her dating him, I kept getting clues etc, but everytime I asked her about it she told me she wasnt and that she didnt see him that way.
A little while later I get a call from him asking me if its ok if he sleeps with her...
ANYWAY, ended up she had been dating him. She came clean one night when I told her I knew something was up and I wasnt letting it go until I knew what was going on...she had already been dating him 6 months and even then, she only told me that they had only been having sex and werent in an actual relationship.
I later found out that they were in a relationship, we had a huge argument about it. She cried her eyes out and told me that she'd do anything to win back my trust and she was so sorry she hurt me, but things with him just happened and she couldnt help how she felt about him.
I forgave her, because I figured you cant help who u fall in love with, altho I told her it would take a while for me to completely trust her again.
They were dating for a year and a half, and the day after they broke up, she stared seeing someone else, and was saying she was never in love with the other guy anyway.
So anyway, this new guy she started dating, she was happy with him for about 3 weeks, then he started to emotionally abuse her...Im not getting into details but he doesnt like her having friends, he doesnt like her going out unless he's there, he hates all of her friends because he wants her to distance herself from them...he's a horrible guy, he manipulates her and blackmails her, and she's still with him after 10 months of abuse. He continually dumps her and takes her back when he wants a certain something. He's the most horrible person I've ever met.
He broke up with her around the same time me and my ex broke up, and we became even closer than ever, we really needed eachother. We went out and had a great time together, met new people, and just enjoyed the single life (we're only 19 so it's not the end of the world - altho Im still devastated about my ex)
But he asked her back again last week. And turned up at a club we were at. The whole night, she ignored me and our other male friend. Until we got outside at the end of the night and her bf started a fight with me...he started saying really nasty things to me and she just stood there and listened to him say it, she didnt try to defend me at all.
After shouting at me, he started shouting at another one of our friends...and Later that same night, he told his friend to start hitting our male friend !!! And there was a big fight. And my so called best friend walked off with him as if WE did something wrong !!!
The next day I told her that she's no friend, she picks me up and sets me back down when its convenient to her and Im not prepared to be her welcome mat. I said to her that as long as she's with him, she has no friends...because so many of her friends dont want her near them anymore because of what she's like now.
But the guy who I was dating and then she started dating him after, he started contacting me again recently, and he invited me out for a drink. So I went, we caught up had a laugh and went home. And she started texting me saying that I've betrayed her by going out for a drink with her ex !!!
Has she lost her mind??? We didnt kiss or anything, and she KNOWS that !!
I kind of feel like theres a weight been lifted off me, but at the same time I feel lonely, and I feel like I've wasted time, energy and 8 years on a friend who obviously doesnt care much about me.
I dont know what to do about this...whether to talk to her or whether to just leave her behind. I have a few friends but not LOADS, and Im going thru a break up so I need someone.
My ex boyfriend are in touch every now and then, he knows the deal and said he's there for me if I need someone....and Im tempted to turn to him, but Im trying to get over him so turning to him for help wont help me at all.
Im kinda lost and lonely at the minute, any advice u cud give me on this would be very much appreciated.
You seem to need friends a lot for someone so young. You could start by selecting your friends a little ...no, a lot better, then you would not have to worry about that back stabbing stuff! Over the course of my life I've known a lot of people and liked most of them ,but I've only had a couple of true friends . I think it works that way for most of us. But we still have to deal with life on its own terms. I think if you would leave the party life alone and work on making yourself better with work or school or something CONSTRUCTIVE you would be a lot less lost and a lot less lonely, and what better place to meet new people than work or school or doing something constructive!
dear jayjay,
i think you're ALL very very young.
i agree with talaniman - broad your span of interests. meet people in different life contexts.
i understand your concern about this friend. you've been best friends for ages!
but you know, sometimes, life takes us away, even if we still live in the same place.
and it happens (a lot) that spouses don't get along with our friends, for different reasons, and not only control issues.
i'd be worried about your friend apparent need of controlling and abusive persons - like in the case of this boyfriend.
THIS IS A SERIOUS ISSUE to worry about and it MUST be addressed.
you'r both of you still very young, and you all must be careful about the patterns you develop now, which will influence you whole life.
and,again, i agree with talaniman: by meeting people in different contexts, you will meet a large variety of personalities.
i wish you good luck, and take good care of yourself,
millie
Hi, jayjay,
You have some good answers so far.
I am 64 yrs old, and tell you that only because it shows I have been around awhile!
Friends come and go......we are very lucky to find one that will last a "lifetime", and sometimes, even just a few years.
The reason is; people change.
If you want a friend, then meet some new people. You can have more friends in a month by Listening to them, than you can in a year by them listening to you! Listen to someone, be interested in them. In turn, they will then start asking you about yourself.
Always SMILE. A Smile shows you like yourself, and others will like you, too.
Move on with your life. Don't worry about Tomorrow, make the best of today. Then, tomorrow will take care of itself. I do wish you the best at meeting new people, and hang in there. Try to stop being depressed, and meet others.
About the friend issue i know what u mean. When i lived overseas i was bestfriends with this person for 6 whole years, and since i moved it was always me who made the first contact and never her. Then i decided not to email her and i havnt heard from her in almost 3 months... Till this day i havnt heard from her and to be honest im not willing to email her, coz ive always done it and if she cant be bothered than why should i.
Now in your case... Firstly if i was in your shoes i found have been slighlty pissed off at her for going out with my ex, but people react differently and i respect that. But then for her to turn round and get annoyed with you for going out wi her ex for a drink, now thats bizarre... she is weird.
Coz i believe if you accepted her going out wi your ex WHY cant you go out for a drink wi her ex, she is selfish.
Well, we havent spoken since she said I betrayed her by going for a drink with the ex. I basically told her to get stuffed.
I'm just annoyed, because that's an 8 year friendship down the drian. It just seems like an awful waste.
I am focussing on myself, Im looking for a new job and trying to persue my career as a photographer. I'm still rather lonely though.
I have friends, but they are more acquaintences than friends, ya know ?
Anyway, all I can do is get on with things. Thanks for the advice guys.
Well, we havent spoken since she said I betrayed her by going for a drink with the ex. I basically told her to get stuffed.
I'm just annoyed, because that's an 8 year friendship down the drian. It just seems like an awful waste.
I am focussing on myself, Im looking for a new job and trying to persue my career as a photographer. I'm still rather lonely though.
I have friends, but they are more acquaintences than friends, ya know ?
Anyway, all I can do is get on with things. Thanks for the advice guys.
Hi, Jayjay,
Please don't look at it as "8 yrs down the drain".
Friends come and go; and we are very, very lucky to have a friend that stays with us, such as over 20 yrs!
It's rather like being married in the sense that both partners are good friends, not just husband and wife. After 29 yrs, my wife is still my best friend.
I have had 4 "best friends" in my lifetime. Two have since moved away, and lost all communication. Other two are still best friends after almost 30 yrs!
That is sometimes rare.
Best of luck.
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