Well,I'm having a tough year obviously..

The story goes like this:
I met this great looking girl 7 years ago while surfing (both).She was 20 and I 18.We went on to be best friends,since we both had beach houses at the same place,had the same interests,tastes,and generally really liked each other a lot.She has stood by me a lot in tough situations and has been a great friend really,maybe the best I ever had,well probably..During this time there were more than a few times when we came very close,sometimes very very close,but nothing would happen.We would sleep in the same room,same bed sometimes,going on vacation together,nothing finite would happen.But there were times when she would ask me to massage her back or carress her or we would "fight" and it would feel,like if I made a move it would probably happen,but I would never do it cause,a)too scared of maybe getting it all wrong and then things getting all weird and uncomfortable,b)jeopardizing a really great friendship and c)of course she has a boyfriend.So it went for years.
Three months ago,my dad suddenly passed away.She was the first person I called.She was there all the time.,staying at my place,sleeping-sleeping-in my arms and I would hold her and caress her for hours,and she would hold me till I slept.On the night of the funeral,same story but then she made a move,said she couldn't resist anymore and we made out big time,but no sex,due to logistical problems,and she really wanted it..It was beautiful,but the next morning,I felt a bit weird.The next days I would be very casual,maybe even cold to her,couldn't even look her in the eyes,cause I did want more,but she has a boyfriend,and I decided for the sake of our friendship to classify the incident as a one time deal due to the intensity of the day.
She noticed,talked about it and said that it was going to happen some time,that it was going on for years,and that she was feeling in love with me at the time.After she told me those things,and some other stuff,I really started to think of us together,it seemed like a perfect deal.After some days and her asking me again and again we went to the beach house for a night and,well you can guess the rest...She was really into it,and so was I.But then,she does say that "this can't go on liked this" and that she thought that we wouldn't last together.But then wants more..At that point I'm still semi ok with that.
But she wants more,we get together some more times and it's amazing,and I'm starting to have some serious feelings.Even the sleeping together feels perfect.I can't help it.But she still says that although she now is in love with me,that it's gonna fade at some point and in the end it wouldn't work out,but just can't help it either.
This goes on for a couple of months,we getting together,mostly initiated by her,but no status change.At some point,I can't take it anymore,cause she is still with that guy,and I can't take it.So I meet with her and tell her that this can't go on,that I'm in love with her and can't be her "friend",much more while she is with someone else,that I want us to be together,but if not,I can't be her friend anymore.She cries,says that she loves me too,that she hasn't let the guy touch her all this while,but doesn't know what to do cause the other guy is important for her too and hasn't done anything to deserve that,that she just doesn't know what to do.I tell her that being friends with her is impossible and unbearable for me,things being how they are,and that if she won't be with me,I can't see her friendly.We don't talk for a week and then she calls to arrange to pick up some stuff of hers from my house.It's obvious to me now that we won't be together.She comes,but we end up spending the night-and morning-together,and it's great.More phone calls and talks of the same,at some point I get angry and stop answering her calls.She goes crazy and texts how much she loves me etc.Then she leaves for a short vacation trip.She calls me crying from there,tells me how much she loves me,and wants me there,asks me to go there.Although at first I deny,I do decide to go in the end having no expectations and spend a couple more amazing days with her.While there I don't talk about it at all.However after coming back,things are again as they used to be.
Now she calls me and texts me but I don't answer or return them.I just can't.But I miss her so much.Both as a friend and as a lover.My father is gone.I've lost my father,my best friend and the woman I love,all in a couple of months..It's too much..I love her,I really miss her.But I can't just hang out with her now.I don't know if I'm doing the right thing,but I can't do anything else either..It feels like a real waste.I have so many memories,great memories with her..I just don't know what to do.I want her bad,but if I can't be with her...

ka1111

I understand what you're saying,I'm just unsure if you understand what I'm saying..

talaniman

She ran the show in this relationship, and left you behind. Did I miss something?

liz28

Lets set aside your feeling, how can you even trust a women who cheats on her boyfriend and goes and share inmate moments with a another guy, regardless if it her friend.

This is a waste of time and your in a not so healthy situation b/c look at with your doing and putting yourself through. It tearing you apart and just left you hoping. It will never change and only contine as long as you allow it, it seems that your weak when it comes to her and she knows it and plays on it while your left with the heartache. If she loved you dont you think she be with you instead of boyfriend, actions speak louder than words and your got your heart wide open and thinking with it and your penis instead of your head.

To sum it up she will continue to sleep with you and give you false hope. If it keep going it will lead you to be jealous, make you feel insane and the frindship is over b/c lines were cross due to the physial relationship your shared. If you want to lose your self respect, esteem, used, and self worth stay. Otherwise since you get weak around her change or ignore her calls dont hang out at places where she at until your stronger, it just best to avoid her at all cost so it means changing your life a little bit, but its just life so ulimately your going do what you want, it just my opinons and only that!

ka1111

liz,

maybe you haven't read my posts very carefully,cause I've already done all that.
And she's not a "playa",I know that much.

I just think that intentionally changing your life or some parts of it just to avoid someone shows weakness,that's just how I see it.It's not worth it.I'm not initiating any contact,or return any calls,texts or e-mails,but I'm not gonna stop going to the beach that I love so much,and was going b4 I ever met her so as to not bump onto her.I'm not gonn allow her-or anyone-that.I'm not gonna change numbers,I'm not gonna stop talking to mutual friends,I'm not gonna move out of the country...

It's my life.It may suck right now,but it's mine.

talaniman

If you let her.
A playa is someone who bounces from on person, to another without regard for their feelings.
Survival and healing, often seems like weakness, because we surrender, and stop fighting ourselves. That gives us a chance to heal, regroup, and get a better plan, that doesn't include the ex in our lives. If you have made up your mind to not always give her what she wants, to the detriment of yourself, thats fine.