Hi,

Im 28 and have not had casual sex ever before but have had 2 strong relationships (1 year each) where I did have sex once.

I have met a girl and for the last 2 months we have been getting on well. She recently told me that she has never been in love... but at university she did go a bit wild and slept with 2 guys. She also was physical with a few other guys. She had a strict upbrining until she went uni.

University finished in 2000 and all that stopped when she went back home.

Im finding this university period hard to deal with as

1 - when I start to get physical I will think that she gave her body to someone casually.

2 - I'm worried that her flirty nature come into the relationship and she may flirt with other guys when she doesn't get the attention from me

Any advice on how to put this over my head so that I can continue to give into this relationship. There is a lot I like about her.. but I have always had problems dealing with someons past.

OK look. If you have always had a problem with dealing with someone's past, then its not going to change for her. Don't try to change yourself. You what you do in college is most of the time crazy, but its still your past. And if you don't like the idea that she has had casual sex before, then tell her. What I would do if you really like this girl, is talk to her about it, and see what she has to say about it. I've done a lot of things I regret, and I'm sure you have too... maybe she has changed and if that's the case then I would give her a chance... and see what happens... and if you can't get over the fact of her having casual sex in the past and you think about it all the time, then its not meant for you to be. Just talk to her, and see how the both of you feel. :D

There are two basic problems here, I''ll discuss each one.

The first is that she was sexually active in college and this bothers you. Well, this was before she met you. Many people are experimental in college or during their late teen/early adult years. For some, it helps them figure out who they are. For others they see these years as having the freedom to explore many different avenues, without having responsibilities. If someone in their 40s were to act like this, after having married and had kids, it would be irresponsible.

But you should not hold her previous experience against her. As she said, she has never been in love before. If you guys fall in love and eventually have sex, you can be assured that her experience with you will be completely different than the casual encounters she had in college. Love brings a new dimension to intimacy and making love to someone you deeply care about takes sex to a new level. Casual sex may have been all she wanted before because she was not willing to commit herself on an emotional level. But perhaps she is ready to do that with you, so treat her with respect and allow yourself to be open and expressive with your feelings - see what develops.

For a lot of people college is an exciting but confusing time. It is a period where people test their boundaries and decide what is right for them. It is obvious from your post that she did not continue down this path, so just chalk it up as part of her life experience. Trying to make her feel bad or regretful about these encounters will harm her self esteem and jeopardize your relationship. Don't make her apologize for it, either! It happened before you came along and you have to keep telling yourself that she didn't do anything to you. This should be the rule of thumb you use as you move forward with this relationship - did she do something to purposefully hurt you? No.

The second issue I see is that you are worried about her cheating on you. Why? Just because someone had casual relationships in the past is not an indication that she will step out on you. If her past experiences make you nervous, then take a minute to calm down - she is obviously interested in you, and since this may be her first real relationship with someone, don't ruin it by being jealous or controlling. You should feel proud and honored that she is willing to invest her time and attention in you! For all her previous experiences, perhaps she just hadn't found the right person yet - and that could be you so don't blow it.

Holding her accountable for things that happened long before you knew her is just wrong. Some people know who they are from day one, but others need to figure it out. It is better that she went through this period before she met you, don't you think? Some people view their bodies as sacred, others view their hearts as sacred - and since she's never given that part to anyone perhaps this is how she feels - and you should treasure it. You said she had a strict upbringing - so maybe she was just going through a rebellious phase, having gotten to college and found new freedoms in her personal life. Regardless of why she did it, just remember that it is history and until she does something in the present to make you worry, don't sweat it.

People are different - they have different needs, motives and passions. People do grow and change - so don't judge her. Withholding affection from her now would be the same as punishing her for her past. And if you can't freely express your feelings for her (both physically and verbally) then she might get the wrong message from you - and think that you are pushing her away or not interested. Playing games like this never leads to anything good - indeed she might move on if she thinks that you aren't interested - is that what you want? Don't add a burden to this new, delicate relationship - clear your mind and concentrate on the now. Give it an honest chance - being with you is a fresh beginning so don't drag the past into when that's not necessary.

Has she ever given you reason to believe that she is interested in dating other people while seeing you? Perhaps you feel insecure because she is more experienced than you - but there is no rule that says that the man has to be more knowledgeable. Perhaps it bothers you that you aren't going to be her first - well, she won't be your first either. But you guys shouldn't spend your time together living in the past - you are with each other now and that's what you should pay attention to. If you are patient and caring there is much that you can learn from each other and new things to discover together - if you can let go of the things that don't matter and see the wonderful possibilities waiting right in front of you.

Dear sweet man,

Please tell me that you are not so shovenistic that you are going to hold this grils past against her? If so, do her the favor and leave her alone, because, if the relationship furthers and you still hold this in yer heart, it will come from your mouth... eventually.so what! When she was in college she had some one nighters... big deal! Just as long as she isn't bringing an S.T.D, old habbits and past baggage with her! You can also count this as a plus because, when the two of you make love, because she has never been in love, she will probably love you... dont be so stubborn and run away a good woman because you are dissatisfied with her past... not only is this unfair to her, it is very teenage of you to even dwell on her past... how would you feel if she asked, or pried into your past and didn't like what she discovered and held it against you, or left you?. kisses, the queenb

I don't have time to spell check so I'm sorry. I'm a terrible speller.

anyway, I feel the same way and I'm not sorry. Listen saynever, I'm probably worse than you. It really bothers me too. I'm going to post again but right off I'd say...

don't hold back. If she says something and you want to know about it, ask. Keep asking. You have a right to know whatever you want to know. You need to feel good about her, yourself and each other. That's not wrong. Don't let the new modern woman, liberalism, feminism, or mtv culture bother you. It sucks. Your sweet girl doing that stuff with other men, whether it was out of love or just because she wanted to hook up with someone, it's hard and you know what? It's wrong. It's something that ideally shouldn't happen but yes I know, there is no perfection. Soooo...

back to what I was saying, don't make the mistake I have, don't let a statement go by when it draws forth that very troubling and hurtful curiousity that you are experiencing. Be articulate. Ask.

look at it this way, either ruin it all at once or ruin it over a large period. It's you. Don't hide you. You're asking them not to hide parts of themselves (their explicit past) so don't hide the fact that it bothers you and that you can't be happy till you know exactly what they did. Again. You have a right to know. If they don't want to tell you then you have to decide what to do.

lastly, I always believed if I met someone who'd just be like yeah, I $#%%^ him, or no I didn't #$%%$ him but we did this this and this, then maybe I could deal with it. At least then I wouldn't be in the dark and I'd be part of that experience and plus the fact that she would be explicitly descriptive would show me that she was not holding those experiences close to her heart in anyway.

when women won't tell me whatever I want to know it's like they are in someway holding that person from the past in an esteem of some sort. And that's not right.

it's hard knowing that there are guys walking around who know things only you should know. Who have seen things that only you should have seen. And as men we are told how stupid we are or how dare we feel that way. Don't listen to them. You make more sense than they do. Don't think otherwise just because the stupid and the brainwashed out number you. (of course women get mad when their past bothers us! But let them see you be a coward or not stand up for them when some huge guy says something rude or flat out sexually harassed them... ask them how attractive they think that you are then!)

I think the only way to deal with it is just to be honest and if she won't be, then leave. Your just going to be miserable if you don't. It will never go away.

the other option is to come in... I repeat.. is to come in... again... is to come in.. To a relationship with the mindset that that stuff doesn't matter, that she has probably experienced physical romance to some degree and that it's ruined in that respect and then just go on to enjoying her in the present. Never let on that you are jelous or that anything of that nature bothers you, ever!

in today's culture this is really the only option. There are no virtuous women... or men.

Hi,
If you are looking for someone who has NOTHING in their past to be ashamed of, keep looking for a long time.
If you can't get over the feeling that you will have to live with someone you cannot forgive for something that happened in their past, then save yourself a lot of heartache, and forget her.
This is strictly your problem; it's something that if you can't change, then look for a lady that has stayed in the house her whole life, knows nothing about relationships, and hope for the best! You will always be a bachelor.
Have you considered talking with someone about your attitude? Try talking with a counselor of some sort; talking about something with another person always helps.
Best of luck,
fredg
Again, she is not the problem; you are! Talk with someone.

Again I will not check for spelling folks I'm just plain terrible.

Now Fredg, or who ever, I want you to respond to what I'm saying. Do not just go on a tyrade of mtv logic mixed with friends mixed with every movie you ever saw. Look at what I said and respond to what I said. Do not just say things that I made no mention of.

1) I'm not looking for someone who has nothing in her past.

That would be great though, if they were pretty and if they liked me I would drag them out of their room and lavish my best self on them.

2) what's wrong with someone who know's nothing about relationships? Seriously think about it. What's wrong with two people who don't know anything about sex. What's wrong with being virtuous?

Oh come on, she won't give me oral sex. She won't touch my crouch. I have to do everything. Right? That's your best argument, correct?

Hey MAN, the "normal girl" you have now at one point was just like that at one point WHEN SHE WAS INNOCENT. And she learned.

God, how incredibly sexy to walk each other through that stuff. To be there as she does her first "dirty" thing. How beautiful to grow together!

Is that why you don't want a virtuous woman because you have to stick around for longer than one session of "hanging out" before she kisses you? Or more? Because you can't just hook up? Because there actually has to be something there? Is that why I need to see a therapist?

How beautiful and unsullied to have a place in your relationship that is just yours and hers? How beautiful. How private.! HOW INTIMATE!!

That's what the physicall arena of love is for. It's proof. Scientific prove of your role as the supreme love object in her life.

Yes I know How dare I! How dare I!

neversaynever, you are suffering because you wish to have intimacy back in your relationship. You want a place that is fully yours and hers. But today that is impossible and it hurts you. There is nothing that is really only yours and hers oh except that "she loves you" but she's said that before to huh?

The ethos of the day says you should feel bad but don't. But you have to deal with it.

Don't let these fools brainwash you. One of them is probably groping your future wife right now. Someone's dry humping their future spouse. Am I crazy? Is that right? Is that beautiful.

YES I KNOW IT'S REALITY AT LEAST THAT IT IS A CULTURAL REALITY IN THE 20TH CENTURY I NEVER DENIED THAT YOU IDIOT!

BUT IN PRINCIBLE IT IS NOT REALITY. PRINCIPLES OR ULTIMATE STATES OF RIGHT AND WRONG DON'T CHANGE WITH CULTURE

I AGREE THAT FINDING ANTHING OUT OF THE NORM LIKE SAY SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN SAVING THEMSELVES INTIRELy WILL NOT HAPPEN

I JUST SAID IT WASN'T RIGHT

3) I agree with you. It is impossible to live with someone you can't forgive; the relationship turns into a cold war and eventually the person who just wants to be happy leaves (who could blame them)--so we are in agreement there.

4) and you are wrong. This is not my problem. I'm right. I'm outnumbered and no one agrees with me but I'm right. Wrong is wrong.

Past is just that the past. I will say that I too had this problem and I tell you it just kept distance between my ex and I. I kept digging into past and wanting all the answers to questions of who, what they did exactly, how often, etc. But I caution you that nothing really good comes from this. You never hear what you really want to hear, because you wish it were only you she was ever with. The questions that really matter, is who is this person today!! I became very jealous with my ex due to all that I had learned and it pushed us further and further away. So if you really want to be with this girl, jealousy or digging into the past is not the answer,, been there done that. Just try to focus on who this girl is today, all people make mistakes. The question is do we learn from these mistakes and move on,, or keep making the same mistakes. My jealousy was making me crazy and I felt bad for being jealous, but I did not know how not to be jealous. Then one day it hit me,, all I am doing is pushing her away. For my ex, my new learned thinking was to late, but I tell without being jealous now in a relationship,, I have freed no only the one I love, but myself. I would worry myself so much about the past in which no one could change. If she was honest enough to tell you about the past, then you should not hold it against her for it will push her away.

I realize that getting over thoughts is very difficult to do, for it took me about 2 years. Begin to go to the gym, or pick up a hobby, just try to get your mind off it. Or just realize that by telling you her past, she trust you enough to confid this information and that you will not hold it against her. The Lion King movie had a wonderful quote by the monkey (graffiki, not sure on the spelling) he said,, "all the past can be painful,, but you can either run from it,,, or learn from it". Don't hold me to the direct quote, for it has been a few years since I saw that movie, but I really liked what he was saying.

Good luck!

Keep in mind that everyone has a past, yourself included. The best thing you can do is to have an upfront talk with her about your expectations and ask her about her expectations in turn. While past behavior can never be undone, that doesn't mean that it has to be repeated in the future. When you bring up the topic with her, don't do it in an accusing or patronizing manner but in a matter-of-fact manner. Question her as to her past relationships and why they eventually ended and be prepared to tell her the same about yourself. This should serve to flush out a lot of doubts and ambiguities that you may be feeling right now.

1.

"everyone has a past..." yes I know. But I'm honest about my past. At least what I've done with girls. And the point is that I'm trying to deal with their past. But if they won't tell me what I want to know, how can I?

two, you made mention of what's in the past is past and that as long as they don't do it again? I want them to do it again. With me. Me and only me. That's the problem. They haven't and I'm trying to come to terms with something that's obviously more important to me than them.

I have no problem with answering anything. I actually want to. I want to show my girl that she's the tops. I don't have anything to that she can't know about. Why aren't women like that?

I mean, I agree in having a up front talk.

... GETTING A GIRL TO TELL YOU WHAT SHE AND ANOTHER MAN DID PHYSICALLY IS LIKE PULLING TEETH.

some guy posted that it never helps to know because you are never satisfied?

well that's true... know why?

even in the best scenarios it never quenches you because there's always a little bull$#!+ in it.

they are always trying to make you feel good. (well how about not casually hooking up?)

maintaining an image of themselves to you and to themselves, comes into comflict with them telling you what you want to know.

at best a compromise is made, and it's usually not in favor of honesty (so really it only leads to more questions because the best lies are a combination of fallacy and real events.)

her desire to be seen as a virtuous being and that the relationship be seen as magical and romantic will win out over your desire to know about her past sex life.

nine times out of ten she will choose the pretty falacy.

in other words they are going to tell the story in a way that tries to say two opposite things. I'm pure and here's a story about my impurtiy.

it's impossible. It's not what we want. It's a lie. Just tell us that you can't tell us. Because you're to ashamed! That's why!

the modern woman feels shame? In the time of the mtv, sex and the city and friends culture?

oh I know I know you're not ashamed it's just that... just that...

"well i'm the new impowered woman and I don't have to."

I know I know

well ladies, it just pisses us off and makes things worth and ultimately we don't believe anything you say.


2.


the mixing of the details with the bull@$#%:

yes we had sex but it wasn't that good. Yes I went down on him but I didn't like it or I didn't like to. I hardly ever did (oh well that's OK then) we did such and such but we hated it, etc. and then they'll throw in a "he got on my nerves" for good measure.

then you notice a pattern. Every guy they talk about, according to them sucks. They were totally lame.

yeap and that's why they screwed'em and did god knows what else. That's why they went out for 6 months or a year or whatever.

that's why when your girl introduces you to her "friend now," they are incredibly handsome, pretty cool guys.

then you watch your girl and him totally hit it off again. Then later in the car she talks about how boring he is and how she can't stand him.

and it kind of makes you wonder, "she's telling me how cool I am now, what will she be saying to the next guy?"

that's why we don't believe you. Well one, cause you're lying and two, well, because WOMEN ARE TERRIBLE AT LYING... AND BEING HONEST!

Ladies, we aren't stupid. We live on earth. Hooking up feels good. Period. Most men agree that there are men more handsomer or braver, smarter funnier, better at sex, bigger wee wee, etc.

people don't go out with someone (for the most part) that they always have a terrible time with. Or if they do there is some reason that they are staying.

I've "talking" to a girl I had a terrible time with (for the past month actually) and we both didn't really have fun. But I stayed because I liked who she was.

so even then, I could say, if I was being a girl, "yeah we didn't even have fun when it was just me and her."

but then that guy switch comes on and I say "but I liked her, she was ausome and was hoping we'd have chemistry but we never did."

see, that's honesty. Study it. It's called the "truth."

ladies, it's never as simple as--he sucked. I hated'em. I didn't like'em and we never really had a good time but we went to europe for a week. Yeah it totally sucked.

we're not going to believe that anyway. It's impossible. And it just makes us think that everything you say is crap. Then we don't believe you when you tell us we're the greatest, the funniest, the most important or you love us or whatever. Why would we?

ladies, we are not supposed to just believe you. That's earned. Women to day are being taught to be men. That's cool then. But you can't have your cake and eat it too.

if you guys are going to hook up at every opportunity then be prepared not to be ashamed (else, why do it?) and thus, be ready to fess up. After all, it's nothing to be ashamed of right? Then tell me about it.

look, women, if you want to make us feel good, stop letting guys use you. Stop hooking up. Wait till you meet us. Be a woman.

then you can actually say,

"no seriously, I've never been with anyone, you're special..."

and it'll actually be true.

but anyway

why are you so reluctant to talk?

I thought this was the age of the modern woman?

I thought the modern woman could do what a man does and was impowered to be unashamed?

he didn't #^%$ me, I #$@% him! Then why the shame?


if it's "no big deal" and it's all right for them to do, IF IT DOES NOT DEMENISH you, as a woman, then why the wrestling match?

if I'm not ashamed or embarrassed I have no problem talking about something.

so again why the shame ladies? Why the embarrassment? Guys do it, right? Isn't that the excuse? "well guys do it..."

(incidently, why does feminism, a movement for the impowerment of women, look to men for it's prescription of morality?

why does a woman's movement look at men as a model?

why does feminism measure men against women?)



(wouldn't it be better to measure women against an ideal woman?

oh but women don't like the ideal woman anymore because it's a bit of a sacrifice.)

well I could right on this all day. But before I go, men beware when you here these statements (beware? I don't have to tell you that, we naturally feel sick to our stomachs when we here the following, cause we know it's bull$#%^, else they'd just tell us what they did)

"we hooked up a little bit"

"oh it was no big deal.."

"don't worry...you don't have anything to be worried about"

"it was chaste and innocent.."

"you're so lucky I mean really I don't have much to tell..."

"i've never done anything....really"

"it's not like i'm going out having sex with lots of different guys"

"it's not like I do it all the time..."

"fooled around..."

in my next post I will explain why women do this. Then I will ask the important question... do women even feel shame about that stuff... or only anger when their spouse dares (the nerve of him) ask?

I'm about to start a talk page on this very subject. The subject of physical romance and why I think that it should only transpire between to deeply committed MATURE people. Come feminists, It'll make your heads explode with truth.

Hi,
I understand your situation. Girls (and guys too actually) can do some very dumb things. Things they regret. But at the time of doing it, it was most likely done out of desperation.

If she regrets what she's done, then surely that should put your mind at ease. I mean, did you ask her why she did that? Given that u have had a strict past, why did u just act like that for?

I'm no way judging you, at all, and I do understand your problem - and it is a valid issue - but , aren't you being a bit self righteous? You start by saying how good you have been, and then tell us how bad she has been; and you can't understand that her actions. You were bad too! You had sex twice with women u are no longer with!! Does it make a difference if you said it was casual sex or not? WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES MAKE? You are no longer with them! At the end, all you had was sex. You can't keep the memories of your previous relationships can you!?

On the contrary, because your girlfriend ONLY had sex, and she wasn't emotionally involved with anyone, she's more likely to be emotionally attached to you. Isn't she!

At the end of the day, you are trying to understand HOW IS IT she could have done that?? How is it, YOU could have had sex with TWO other women that you are no longer with. Your only pretext and lame excuse out of it, is "They were serious relationships" - what difference does it make if your relationships were serious or not! You are no longer with them, and you're now interested in someone else.

Focus on How you understand your own past, and then focus on her past. WHen u come to realise and understand what you did is wrong, you'll be able to cope with her past also.

Neversaynever, I haven't met one single person that hasn't done anything in their past that they don't regret, but things such as having casual sex or casual relationships helps people find who they are (provided they don't already know). You have to understand that all this is what made the woman you are interested into who she is today, and that is all that matters. I don't believe you are willing to ruin an incredibly potential relationship such as this just because she had a few flings in her past. What matters now is she is interested in YOU! she has never experienced a serious, loving relationship; so give her that experience and let go of her past! She may have been curious about her sexuality etc back then, but in reality she WANTS a loving relationship and YOU can give it to her easily.

justbass, you are being extremely ignorant AND arrogant. Simply saying "Im right and you're wrong" doesn't justify at all what you have been saying. You are just as bad as anyone I know who doesn't feel satisfied about someone's past, and because of this there are so many relationships out there being ended just because people like you can't let go of the fact that they have done some pretty stupid things in their past. Secondly, insulting us with childish insults does not prove your point further at all, you have made a point, stated your opinion and you were arrogant enough to say it was right. An opinion is an opinion for a reason, right or wrong; it's simply an opinion. Letting go of a persons past is what MAKES the relationship happen, grow and love. To be able to fall in love, you have to be able to make certain risks and changes, and these include letting go. It's not hard, but it's not easy. It all depends on the persons involved, and who they are more especially. I may only be 16 years of age, but you have pretty much clarified you lack understanding of today's society, and the people involved. Furthermore, constantly asking questions to satisy or put your mind at ease about someone's past puts pressure on the relationship as a whole, NO ONE likes to be pressured and that is what will happen. Everyone has problems in their life, but they can all be resolved with common sense; it's obvious that you lack this particular attribute in your personality, because you do not know how to handle a situation like this at all.

Again neversaynever, just let it go and focus on what you can offer this girl. If she had liked them guys so much, don't you think she would still be having all these one nighters now? NO! She is interested in YOU, she wants to see what you can offer her emotionally. Take it all slow, because there is PLENTY of time. As I said, I may only be 16, but at least I am showing understanding in what you are asking, and what I am saying.

I hope everything goes well for you buddy, and remember; take it slow.

I can see everyone's point of view here... I know the hell that NEVER is going through... here's what I think it is.
I think it comes down the fact that a woman would let her body be used that way.. that she was just a piece of flesh for a guy to penetrate, nothing more. Either way you look at it is bad.. if it was just casual sex, then how could she degrade herself and give herself to a guy who was probably drunk and was just looking for a place to stick his ? And if it was more than casual sex, then all the comments about how it "mean nothing" aren't true. Thing is, it's infinitely worse if it "meant nothing" because she's the woman that you love and intimacy with her is supposed to mean everything. Yet she handed it out to guys because she thought they were cute or because she was drunk... whatever. None of the reasons are good enough. She took the one thing that you prize above all else - herself!! - and gave it freely and worthlessly to guys who shouldn't have had the privelidge of even speaking to her. That's tough. That's really tough. At the end of the day, she handed it over willingly and knowingly, and nothing will ever change that.
And the tragedy is that if you can't deal with it, you HAVE to walk away because you'll just drag her down and if you love her, you can't do that.

I agree with SAGAT. Totally agree.

But your own past should help you accept her? Yes, I agree that sleeping around with just anyone doesn't leave you with a good impression about the girl, but why did she do it? If she was drunk, does she lose her morals also as well as her conscience? That's hard to believe.

You should definitely forgive her, but you need to see how much she regrets her past? Its easy to tell someone :"I made a mistake, its my past... " , but that's such a huge mistake.

I mean.. its awful. I met these 2 girls in Spain once, all they wanted to do was have sex. I just walked away. I found them so cheap. I mean, they were pretty and everything, but all they wanted was to have sex. The conversation with them was cheap even.
All I can conclude is : they were very cheap. In fact, when I said I wasn't interested in having sex with them, they got annoyed.

Girls are so strange... I mean, I find so many of them disgusting how they think. I don't know how it happened - how we got like this: women behaving like prostitutes and disguising their actions with words such as "liberty". There is a price to pay for such behaviour, and I think is, it will be hard for her to marry a man who's descent unless she convinces him she was mentally disturbed at the time she gave her body to every tom, and harry on campus.

Good luck NeversayNever!

Hi. Honestly, I believe that there is a rule call "Look, but do not Touch." Has she done anything while you two been together? If she has, you need to be careful because you never know what will happen. If she has been faithful, then you need to just trust because if you do not have trust for each other and communitcation, why are you in a relationship? Do you understand where I am coming from?

Honestly, you are right in some way. The only thing is I am a woman and I do not sleep around because if I slept around then who in their right mind would respect me?

I have not read any of the other answers yet, but here is my two-cent's worth:

1. I think that you might like her, but your pride in yourself in thinking that you are better, is preventing you from forgetting her past. If it is a virgin you want, then you need to find one.

2. Women have a right to gain experience just as much as men do, no matter now many men in how many years, or where.. We are living in the 21st century.

3. If you like the woman, and have many other interests in common that you could consider a longer relationship, then by all means TALK to her about your concerns. One of the most important things in any relationship is communication.

So, talk it out with her, see how she reacts and let her decide whether she can live with your concerns or not, so that she can also go on with her life, instead of this 'iffy' relationship that you have now.

You both deserve to be happy, so take the necessary steps to achieve your goal.

Good luck, and keep us posted.


</IMG>

Most people that go vacationing in Spain, and many other sunny islands, go there to have fun. The 'natives' are just looking to make a little money and learned a different lifestyle. You just have to make it clear that you are not interested and they will find someone else. Just look at places like Philippines, etc. Most of those people are so poor that they grow up to learn how to earn money any way they can, and try to find someone to help get them out of a poor situation. There are men and women in Europe, South America, and even in some states in the USA that don't know any better way to make a living, but there are also enough customers to keep them busy. That's just the way life is.. so let's not judge too harshly.

I don't think this young woman is in that category though, and he should do an 'attitude check' with himself.

There is a lid for every pot, all around the world and it's not always the first one that fits.

LET IT GO!. IF YOU CAN... It's an extremely tough one. I empathise with you! Look there are plenty of guys who can deal with having a partner who'se been around. I admire those people who can deal with "baggage"and get on with life. Each to their own. I admit I am not one of these people, I'm hopeless at it. I never had the skills or qualities to deal with it, or was able to develop them for that matter, I'm just an average guy. Not having a promiscious past myself, I've found it difficult to relate to and It led to the end of a long term relationship for me once. The reason men find serial monogomist females so appealing is in how special you feel when she choses you after displaying restraint with so many men who've offered her subtle or obvious advances since puberty.
With my former girlfriend I found it very difficult to hear and deal with how many sexual partners she had, and in what flippent manner or circumstance she would describe. Where do you put it? It's not just like you can forget it. It was not necessarily because I felt jealous, worried how I might shape up, or that I was just being a judgemental ****! It was just a HUGE intimacy killer! I struggled with it. I would haunt myself visualizing things I wished she'd never told me. Questions about what lead her to that kind of behavior/lifestyle also haunted me, especially when she was so ordered in so many other areas of her life now. Sure we all do stupid things, now and then, but doing them consistently over and over, without thought of their future impact, makes us stupid! I saw it as a huge flaw and I fell bad about that now.
I hate to say it but no matter how hard I tried everything we did in the bedroom felt second hand, I felt like I was in a line up in a porno. She did admit drinking was a big part of it, but not why she seemed not be able to say no. Eventually I ended it because I was making her life a misery (and it was having the same affect on me) I put it down to my own inadiquacy in the end, because I found myself seeing her in a different light to the person I thought I'd fallen in love with. If you could pop a pill and make it all go away I'd have taken one.
Let me just say that promiscuity is like a bad tattoo, you've got it for life-or at least the scar from it. Most women I've known are traumatized by it, got into it because they went through some kind of abuse or trauma, or simply didn't have adiquate protection from a parent or primary care-giver at an early age. Either way it's an unhealthy life choice for a woman to make and we all know a story from someone who knows someone about the night where it all went "wrong".I suppose we're all looking for certain qualities in each other, a health fanatic is attractive to someone of the same ilk. It's no so much with guys that we obsess over the image of our partner with another man, but rather the absence of control or intelligence that put her there in the first place. From an evolutionary point of view, while we may not be perfect ourselves, alarm bells go off when we sense we might be passing on any "Stoopid" Genes to our unborn children. Either way it's never an appealing quality in another person. We also fear the whether this behaviour could be re-ignited if the right circumstances arose.
Let it go, or let go. Don't make your lives a misery.