I need help! I met a man about 8 months ago. He lost his wife a little over a year ago. When we met, we immediately because good friends a help to each other because I met him on the week my husband left me. We both have small children, who are the same age. As time goes on, we have been getting closer and closer. Our children are crazy about each other, which is a lot of fun. I don't know how I could have gotten through my divirce without his support and he gives me the same compliments. He always says that I have helped him see that he could live again.
Now that we have become closer, we have an issue of the family. His in-laws feel that he is moving too fast and that he has started dating too soon. (he's in his early 30's) I feel bad when they say things to make him feel bad. They dont really support his decision to keep living. So, in return I am disrespected. I realize that they are hurting still over their loss, but at what point do I stand up for myself and refuse to be treated like a home-wrecker? It hurts. I would love for my marriage to have worked out just as they wish for his wife to be alive.
Since he is still grieving, there are bad days and good days for him and the kids. Sometimes I do feel maybe he doesnt realize that they may be right. Even though we are going as slow as we can. I really dont know what is slow and what is too fast. We discuss the future a lot. We talk about getting married and moving together. He's a wonderful, loving man. I feel sometimes that he loved his wife more than he could ever love me, and I would just be settling for less than I deserve or want for myself and my son. I don't know what to think of it. I get excited, but then I wonder if I would always have to come second. I encourage him to honor his wife and help the kids to remember things about their mommy. He has pictures of her on every wall in the house, even the closet. I'm not exaggerating! If I were to move with him, would he take a few down? She will always be a part of our lives, and I am okay with that. I just dont want my own emotional needs neglected, I guess. I don't want to be selfish or disrespectful, so I just keep my needs aside, but I don't want to be a bomb one day. So I guess my question is what should I do? or is the family right?

bluerose

People come together for a reason. Right now that reason for you two might be just to help each other. Continue to take things slowly. I wouldn’t be too concerned about the in laws if they cared enough for him they would want him to be happy. They have to deal with their own grief and he has to deal with his. It might be too soon to ask him to take the pictures down, but if you decide to move together I really think it should be included in the discussion. You cannot live in, and run, a house with his dead wife’s pictures every where. He could keep one and the children should also be allowed to keep one and the others should be put away. If he feels very strongly against this then I would say he isn’t ready to move on and you should be prepared to wait a bit longer.

talaniman

Never put your own needs aside, but you know you have to give him time to grieve. Whats the hurry you have plenty of time so now its time for you to get your own needs met, you are grieving too in a different way from your dead marriage aren't you?

s_cianci

As you say, he is grieving a loss and it's going to take time. I don't necessarily believe that he would love you any less than he did his first wife, just like you wouldn't love him any less than you did your first husband. I think you should take your time to allow him to fully grieve his loss and to make sure that you just aren't rebound cushions for one another.

Fr_Chuck

As usually I will disagree with the others, I know alot of what you are going though, but after a year going on two it is time to move on, and his "in laws" which are not in laws any longer just the kids other grandparents, will never want anyone else talking thier daughters place, so never expect them to welcome you, ever, ever, ever. If you want them as friends forget it, and he will have to understand that also, What does his parents think ? those are part of the ones that would be understanding.

And guess what, I don't care, you should not care, he should not care what his parents, your parents, or his late in laws think, they are not the ones in love and not in the relationship. If you are really in love, nothing, not them ever can change it, and you and him should not let them.

So they ex inlaws, and the other relations should not even be a serious consideration, unless you or him are allowing it, and if either of you are allowing that to be a issue, then you all have a issue.

As for as the photos in the home, untill he is or understand where your relationship with him is going, into a more serious direction Those are his memories, and also his childrens memory.

Next never use those words where you are having him compare, who he loved or loves more, 1. you can not compete with a memory, I have a wonderful memory of a wonderful lady who passed, but I never compare my love, never compare any part of the relationship.

so you accept the love he has for you, and give the love you have for him,
It is not the same relationship, never will be, will it be better, ?? will it be worst ??? should you ask or should you ever know, NO NO NO.

You should not compare him to your ex, even in good ways, because believe me it can be taken the wrong way.

I would expect he would slowly take some photos down, but expect him to still wnt a few up forever esp till the children leave home.

But if you are talking about marriage, ask him, tell him that you will always want him to have some up, in the kids room, in certain areas, but that you would wonder if some could come down.

That one question would tell you if he is ready to move on with your relationship.

mamamia

Thanks for your response. Thank you so much for the advice. I just really need a sounding board.
To answer your questions, 1. His parents AND my parents are very supportive. (not that it matters, but it helps) I can tell that they really love and support him. I guess it hurts me to know that the in laws will never want to know who is around their grandchildren, but I guess everyone grieves differently.

2. He says that he doesn't care what other people think. He is happy. We had a talk the other day because he gave his 5yr old 2 birthday parties so that his mother in law wouldnt get upset if I was there. I was upset because that is unfair to the kids. My 5 yr old found out about the separate party and was crushed that he wasnt invited. He's trying to protect his ex-mother-in-law's feelings and I support him trying to keep a good relationship for the kids, but he's getting hurt in the process and I am too. It hard for me to watch that. He's just very caring and want to make everyone happy all at once.

3. TALAMANIAN - I agree. I really dont want him to grieve any faster or just ignore his feelings. I want him to grieve at his own pace. I am still healing myself, so it just works.

4. I really dont mind the pictures and I expect there to be some forever, you're right ROSE. So that would just be an area of discussion if we are planning to live together. There are at least 500 pictures of her and the kids love to tell me about each picture, so I wouldn't want them to feel I am taking that away from them. I just wouldn't take this relationship a step further unless I feel for sure that he is okay with moving on. He used to do things and have thngs exactly how she had them, and he would keep her same daily routine, even if it didnt fit his new life without her. He's a lot more conscious now that things have to change and knows that change is good. SO, I'll let him do that in his own time. He mentioned one day that he knew that ALL those pictures were a little silly.

5. Thank you, Chuck. You made a good point about comparing. Sometimes I catch myself comparing and I know that is bad. I cant help it if sometimes when he expects me to do or say things a certain way because that's what he's accustomed to. I guess those parts of the relationship we will just have to work on as we get to know each other. I am trying to deal with my feelings of rejection because of my divorce, so i think I compare so I can figure out what I did wrong and how can I fix myself. I will really try not to compare and put myself down, or more importantly, make him feel that he has to.

Thanks, Mamamia

bluerose

Mamamia,

I think you have a good handle on things. Shame about your little one being left out of the party. There are issues to be sorted and time will take care of the rest. I think you both need to live as normal a life as you can for the kids sake. You can't please all the people all the time, true. But with a little thought and consideration, you can please most of the people most of the time. Good luck to you both.

ordinaryguy

A year isn't really a very long time to grieve the death of a mate or a marriage, so just go slow and be patient. You both have a lot to work through with your own individual losses. It's good that you can help each other to an extent, but you still each have your own work to do. Also, remember that it's not just the two of you, but your children as well who have grieving to do, so that's another reason to be careful, slow and patient. It sounds like you're doing really well considering the complexities of the situation and the relatively short time since the losses occurred. Be gentle with yourselves.