Was married for 10 good years and 12 pretty terrible years, raised two really great children and finally got brave enough to divorce my husband. Moved on, move up (professionally, personally - built a new home, lost weight,) Was happy, really happy for 5 years. Happy to be alone, happy for peace in my life, and happy for independence. NEVER intended to date or be in a committed relationship again. EVER.

Then out of the blue, a guy shows up at work, and without details, we became friends. Then good friends, then lovers. I knew he was married, but did it anyway. I WASN'T LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Probably fell for the oldest line in the world.

Now we're seriously in love. I know that the love is mutual. I'm not delusional on that account anyway. He's been good for me in ways I couldn't describe, probably the obvious- selft-esteem, making me feel attractive and desirable, all the things a bad marriage suck out of a person. The biggest obvious problem is he has a 12 year old daughter (um, and a WIFE). I have no interest in raising another daughter, having raised two of my own. He's shown no interest in integrating me into their lives, (and truly, I haven't pressed the issue since which would be difficult since he's still MARRIED. On the other hand, I've made the mistake of letting him become fully integrated in my life, my children, my family. Of course my family has no idea, they'd be horrified. And, they think he's God's gift to me. I knew better, I KNOW better. But I'm so involved. After all, it took me 12 years to end a marriage that was dead after 10.

There's more, but what difference. Where do I go from here? I'm moderately attractive, self-sufficient, and in love with a married man.

I'm truly not looking for justification of this relationship. I know it's wrong. But instead of telling me "it's wrong, you need to end this thing". Someone, please, tell me HOW. How do I get brave enough to be alone again?

Advice, help?

talaniman

This is not confusing at all. You are very selfish and uncaring of others and think you are entitled to bad behavior from some twisted sense of ego. There is no defending some one who knows that what they are doing is wrong and still do it. This is simple either you change your behavior and do the right things in life, or stay on this path and reek havoc in the lives of innocent people.

mostlyconfused

Just wanted to say thanks for everyone who responded. Although the responses are certainly what I expected, and know in my heart to be true, it's still tough to see it in black and white, and KNOW that it's true. It took a few days for me to be able to digest it all, which is why this is belated.

But thanks, again, for taking the time to respond to me. I felt like I was floundering, but I now know what needs to be done. Now I just need to be brave enough to do it. I think I can, I KNOW I can. And I will. Just do it.

Wish me luck, and if by chance anyone has had experience in something like this (the breaking up part) - I could sure use some advice. How to start, how to endure, how to move on.

Sincerely,
Less confused, just scared.

Allheart

Hi there Mostly,

Here's a hug for you {....}. If only all of us could see and admit where we made a wrong turn and truly desire to fix it. Good for you.

Your heart will be heavy from sadness, but your mind will be clear knowing you are doing the right thing for everyone. That, I hope, will ease some of the pain.

Make a quick break, in an honest and truthful way and then turn and begin the healing process. First order of business would be to love yourself and forgive yourself and be proud that you once were taken off guard and had no intention of getting in to something that you never dreamed that you would, and when you realized the reality of the situation, removing all emotion, you stood up and chose to do right by everyone. Again, good for you.

There will be days, hours and minutes, that the tears will come. Let the come, it can be healing. Then try and keep yourself busy. Surround yourself with good friends and your loving family. Oh, and be sure and stick around with all of us. As I stated earlier, folks here are incredible (as you saw first hand), and can truly help you through this healing process.

Welcome to AMHD - There is nothing to fear, nothing to be scared about, but if ever you do feel that way, you just pop back in, the door is always open

My very best to you.
Allheart

pointrevolt

ok this is how i see it...
If someone really loves you, they would not lower you to be their misteress. If he does love you the way you say then why is he still with his wife?
plus if he did leave his wife for you would you really want a relationship with a man who you know has cheated on his previous wife before??
My father cheated on my momm while they were married and it devistated my sister, my mother, and me. Do you really want to be known as a person who destroyes families, because no mater what you say to justify what you are doing it it still wrong.
You need to leave him because he's not going to leave his wife for you; find someone who is single that will treat you how you want to be treated.

momincali

My dad too cheated on my mom, (his mistress knew about us too, she didn't care until she found out about the others). They stayed together for our sake (all 8 of us). We didn't know it at the time. Years later, when I discovered this information, it changed my attitude towards my dad. We were the best of buds, I loved hanging out with him. Once I found out, I felt a deep hurt and betrayal and felt I had to punish him for it. I became very distant. I often made remarks to him about how I thought cheaters were the scum of the earth and how I don't trust men and if I ever found out someone I was involved with cheated on me they would feel all my wrath. I think he got the picture.

I carried on this way with him for years. My dad came down with kidney failure and despite his illness, I had a hard time letting go of that anger. I finally did about a year or so before his passing. I did everything I could to make up for lost time, towards the end he wasn't very coherent but I know he could feel my love and remorse. I live with that to this day.

I know you thought there was no danger, but eventually all things are known. Not only will his family find out, but so will yours. I feel bad for the pain they will all feel and the embarrassment you will feel when that happens. That you didn't look for a relationship and that his wife treats him poorly unfortunately do sound like excuses. There are 3 sides to every story and you don't truly know why his wife treats him the way she does.

Please don't say that will try to walk away, you have complete control. He had no respect for his wife, his daughter or you for that matter when he began this affair. Any man worth his salt would never justify his affair due to unhappiness in his Godly vows to his wife. There was a time he just couldn't live with out her, what changed? Or did he simply get bored? Doesn't matter.

That you've taken the steps to leave shows me that you do have a conscience and a heart, please use it.

islandofdreams

Can I please tell you how ridiculous you sound?? I don't want to be unduly harsh here but what specifically are you trying to get an answer to? You said you wanted advice on how to be alone again. There is no advice, you just have to break it off and deal with each and every day as it comes. No good can come from this affair. I would like to mention that at one time I was in this predicament, however, I was the "nasty wife who treated my husband with disrespect". Can I tell you why I was such an angry wife? Well, it was because my husband made excuses to disappear for hours at a time when he should have been at our children's events, helping with kids or just spending time with the family. He was a liar and a cheat and I knew it and I was pissed off and sad that my husband took vows and then bailed out on his family. You eluded to the fact that this woman (wife) has an idea something is going on, wouldn't you be pissed off too if you suspected that your husband was screwing around. Do yourself a favor and break it off, it is not worth the hurt. Why would integrate a married man into your family? You said you do not want to get married again so go out there and find a nice available guy !!

specialkay

I know your post was back in Jan, but I wanted to give these words...

until you've been in a similar situation, it's really hard to be sympathetic towards it. I hear alot of judgement and some truth from most people. and well maybe that's what you needed. but speaking from my own experience, sometimes it's just hard to get out. Most of the time things will sneak up on you. you never intended to get into a situation and by the time that you realize you're actually in that situation, it's too late, it's taken over.

I'm not justifying by any means and I don't see justification coming from you at all either. It's so easy when you're standing outside of a situation to say "do this." and SO difficult to do that thing while you're in the situation.

delima

Well, I have a totally different outlook on this problem. When I was about 17, I met a man that was about 10 years older. We clicked right away. Keep in mind that was about 40 years ago. We dated for about 3 years. He didn't seem to be moving toward divorce, so in order for me to break in off, I moved to another state and started my life again, after all, I was still very young. He continued to stay in touch and I always responded to his contacts. But, I did meet someone else and we married about 3 years later. We both worked for the same company and were transferred to yet another state. All this time, I was still in contact with my true married friend, but once, I was married, he was just a friend. I stayed married for over 20 years. Divorced and felt just like Mostly. By now we had been moved again and I even changed careers. Since my divorce, we have been in closer contact, but he still lives a long way away. I go there, he comes here and so on. No I am wanting more. His wife has dementia and he feels obligated to take care of her. I understand, but still want him to come to me. I think I need to finally let go. 40 years is a long time to love someone, but the heartache is not worth it. He didn't have children and neither did I. He didn't even live with the wife until she became ill. Mostly, we have a lot in common and I am going to call it quits. I am getting to old to go through this. I am suffering and so is he, but at this point I am here and he is there with her. That pretty much says it all.