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Okay. I have posted a lot on this site, but I have been away for awhile. Some people may know my background, but some may not. Therefore, I will just say that I am a divorced mother of 2 beautiful children (It was final in Nov 06) and I just started dating a divorced father of 2 children himself.
We have been seeing eachother for 3 months and feelings are growing stronger and stronger, at least for me. He calls me every night, but we only are able to see eachother every other weekend. It is great that we both have our kids on the same weekends, so we don't have to worry about getting sitters when we want to go out, etc.
I told myself that I would be overly cautious when dating again, but I feel that I am falling fast and hard for this guy. We talk about our children all of the time and I think that we both know eachother's kids without actually physically meeting them. Part of me thinks that we are moving too fast, while at other times I feel like I want to speed it up. Is it normal to have such conflicted feelings? It is not like I want to meet his kids or him mine at this very moment, but I feel that he and I really have a future together. Then again, I thought that about my ex.
Is there anyone out there who is in this same situation? I would really love to hear not just the women's point of view, but also the guys. What sort of things go through a guy's mind who also has kids?
Your disappointed for his kids. Seems to me he is very accommodating of you, thats good. But I understand your feelings. Honestly though, even if plans don't change, express that disappointment rather than not. Just me, I think its important for couple to be able to always have an opinion, and give it voice. But then again, my wife doesn't always want to hear it. But I still express it, just so she knows, and doesn't have to assume how I feel.
Yes, he is VERY accomodating. I just don't want it to come across to his kids that he is picking me over them. But, then again, he really is not because this is normally the weekend that he would not have the kids and we already had plans.
I am not trying to be difficult, it's just that I don't want them to hate me for taking their dad away from them before I actually meet them. I will "lighten up" and enjoy it. I have told him that even though his ex has done things that sometimes puts a change in our plans, we will work through it. The last thing that he needs is another person (let alone another woman) putting pressure on him for something that is beyond his control. I am actually excited about this turn of events because it is making him come out my way (this will be the first time that he will be at my apartment) and I am not the one who is driving the 40 minutes to his place. Things do happen for a reason sometimes.
I just got off the phone with my girlfriend who is engaged to "C's" brother and told her about the situation. She is not surprised that this has happened, but she assured me that his kids would be okay and that his kids are really easy going and for me not to worry about it.
Sooooo, I am not going to worry about it. I am letting him worry about it and make whatever changes that he feels are necessary for this situation and not stress over it.
Okay, it's been a while and I just wanted to update everyone. This past Saturday, C and I were supposed to get together and spend all Saturday evening together. I took the night off of work and I was going to get to his place around 5 p.m. Everything was a go on the Thursday before. THEN his ex informed him on Friday afternoon that she had to work that weekend and that even though she would still be able to take the kids, the kids would not be able to attend their sporting events because she had to work, which means that they would have had to stay at her place all alone until she got off at 10 p.m. She wouldn't even be home to spend time with them!! The kids did not want to miss their games (if his daughter missed her high school softball game, she would run the risk of having to sit out for a game or possibly being dropped from the team). Therefore, C and I had to cancel our plans entirely. We did not get to see eachother this weekend at all, which means that it will be a complete month without us being able to see eachother. Because I have been so busy with things around my place and with work, it has not been as bad as I thought it would be. I am trying not to dwell on it too much, as it is so totally out of my control.
THEN, I get an email from him this morning in which he forwarded the response that he received from his ex, stating that she will be working every single weekend and that on the weekends that she is supposed to have the kids, she will be able to take them, but they will have to miss all of their games and practices and that they would be home alone. She stated that they are not babies and they are responsible enough to stay home alone. Yeah, I could agree with that argument if she still lived in the same neighborhood that they have grown up in and they had friends to hang out with. She was the one who moved to a town about 40 minutes away, so the kids don't have any friends where she lives.
I responded to his email and told him that we would work through this situation and that this is just a slight inconvenience for us. I mentioned that I was not willing to give up on us just because of this little problem and that although I am disappointed that it might be yet another month before we are able to see eachother, we can do it. I also mentioned that although it would be easier for us if we knew eachother's kids and that I would love for my kids to meet him and for me to meet his kids, it was still too early to do this AND that doing this next serious step just to make it easier for us would not necessarily be in the best interest of the kids. I also stated in the email that we can talk about this later and that I did not want to discuss it further in an email. He called tonight, but the exact subject of introducing the kids was not brought up. He did say that he would talk to his daughter and she would have to stay home one night a week every other week to watch her brother so that we can be together. I guess this is only going to be until mid June so that the kids will still be able to attend their baseball games. I AM frustrated over this situation, but I knew the possibilities of what I was getting into when I first met him. His first few statements about himself was that he was a father of two children and that it was all about the children. I appreciated that (both then and now) because that is the way that I feel about my kids. I know that it will not be like this forever. I am viewing this situation as a sort of test. If we find that we still want to be together, learn about eachother and continue to move forward regardless of all of the obstacles that we encounter at the very start of our relationship, then it will only make our relationship that much stronger. What do you think?
I think that any couple that is willing to work together, to solve their issues to the benefit of both partners, have a great chance of surviving, and thriving. Kids are always first, as partners can be together anytime.
Because our phone conversation on Tuesday night was a little stilted, and because C did not call me on Wednesday night, I sent him an email Wednesday night around 11 p.m. that basically apologized about the email that I had sent him on Tuesday. In that apology email, I said that it was my intent to express my understanding of his situation and that we would get through this. I also stated that it was NOT my intent to pressure him in any way. I am hoping that this will open up the discussion that if now is not the time to introduce the kids, when will it be the time. If the discussion does not happen within the next couple of months, then I am sure that this email will bring it up sooner than if it was never brought up at all. I am getting a lot of advice from my well meaning friends that we "should introduce the kids now" and "what is he waiting for?", especially with the fact that his ex is starting to make it more difficult for us by not being able to take the kids on her designated days. I know I have to stop listening to these people and continue to focus on what is working for C's and my relationship and to talk to him about the issues that may not be working, which is only this issue at this time.
So, it is my hope that C and I will talk about this issue soon. My kids continue to ask when they will meet him and why they have not met him yet. I pretty much have my conversations with C after they have gone to bed, although there are times when he has called when they were around and they are aware of our relationship, although they certainly don't know the specifics.
Loved where you wrote "great chance of surviving, and thriving"..............too many times our minds are only on surviving! What a great positive post!
I wouldn't worry about meeting kids until around the 6 month mark, when the direction this relationship will take, is a lot more apparent. He must have the time, and space to deal with his ex, whom is becoming a problem on his own, with NO pressure from you. Support, but do not push, even gently. Remember there is much more to learn about each other, and there is NO HURRY.
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