Okay. I have posted a lot on this site, but I have been away for awhile. Some people may know my background, but some may not. Therefore, I will just say that I am a divorced mother of 2 beautiful children (It was final in Nov 06) and I just started dating a divorced father of 2 children himself.

We have been seeing eachother for 3 months and feelings are growing stronger and stronger, at least for me. He calls me every night, but we only are able to see eachother every other weekend. It is great that we both have our kids on the same weekends, so we don't have to worry about getting sitters when we want to go out, etc.

I told myself that I would be overly cautious when dating again, but I feel that I am falling fast and hard for this guy. We talk about our children all of the time and I think that we both know eachother's kids without actually physically meeting them. Part of me thinks that we are moving too fast, while at other times I feel like I want to speed it up. Is it normal to have such conflicted feelings? It is not like I want to meet his kids or him mine at this very moment, but I feel that he and I really have a future together. Then again, I thought that about my ex.

Is there anyone out there who is in this same situation? I would really love to hear not just the women's point of view, but also the guys. What sort of things go through a guy's mind who also has kids?

jrebel7

Mom of 2, bless your heart! You are thinking really well through all of this. One reason that I think I am able to address some of these issues you are going through are past experiences that I have from which to draw. I want to be an encourager to you but you know what??? I think you are doing just fine on your own! This is a great forum though and sometimes venting just gives us so much insight. You are doing great. I am very proud of you. I know you don't really know me, so to speak and that sentence might not mean a lot because of that, but I really am proud of the way you are thinking through your issues. It is a day at a time process. Vent anytime you need to. It is great therapy plus, as you get input from other's it just helps strengthen us when we know we are not alone.

Mom of 2

Just wanted to update that last weekend was GREAT!!! The hockey game was a lot of fun, because we both love hockey and we went with his brother and his fiance (my girlfriend who I mentioned in the past). During dinner, I could have kicked my friend under the table when she came out and said, "So, when are you going to introduce her to mom and dad?" I think I almost choked on my pasta!!! All he said was that they would be in Florida until May. So, I think it is progressing, but at a slow pace. Why is it that now that this subject has somewhat presented itself to having some kind of timeline I am started to get scared? Also, would it be normal for him to introduce me to his parents before his children? I know that I have NO say as to the order of things, but I was wondering for wondering sake.

It was also great to not have to rush around the day after the hockey game, even though I was alone in his house for about 5 hours. I think that says a lot in that he trusts me not to snoop. I kind of felt a little wierd, but I just watched a lot of movies, read, played with his dog and just kind of lounged. He called me once and texted me to make sure that I was okay, to remind me that I could fix anything to eat and to give me an approximate time when he would be home. Boy, was it great to see him when he came back, though!!! We then went out to dinner and a movie and just plain enjoyed each other's company. The next morning when I was getting ready to go, my car battery was dead because I left the interior light on. From my past experience of being yelled at and talked down to for every mistake I ever made, I became scared. Do you know what he did? He told me that it was no big deal and actually whistled a tune as he pulled out his charger. He did not berate me or even laugh at me. All he said was that this was an honest mistake, it could happen to anyone and that there was nothing to get mad about. He did chuckle a little and mentioned that there is never a dull moment with me!!! Man, did I hate to leave. I just wanted to jump right back into his arms again and never let go.

A few days later, I went out with a group of girls, who included my friend who is engaged to this guy's brother - the girl from the hockey game. She proceeded to inform the entire group that she and I would soon be sister-in-laws and that she could not be happier. She also mentioned that he refers to me as his girlfriend to other people. It would just be nice to actually hear him introduce me as his girlfriend so that I would not feel so uncomfortable. I want to introduce him as my boyfriend, but I just don't want to scare him off. Maybe that is what he is thinking. How do I bring this subject up? Do I really need to bring this up? Uh oh, here I go again with the over thinking. Things are going well and I need to be satisfied with that.

We are getting together again this weekend and I can't wait!!!! I feel a great need to ask him questions, but I don't know if it is too soon, if it is ever necessary - I mean why do we women always need to define everything to death? I think that I am falling in love with him. However, I don't think that I can truely know if I love him until I see how my kids and him interact and how his kids and I interact. Each of our kids are so much a part of our lives that I don't think that we would truely know each other without knowing each other's kids. However, I don't want to rush it if it is too soon, as it has only been 3 1/2 months. I keep going between really wanting to meet them and not wanting to meet them. Is this normal? Now, if you think that at least discussions about meeting each other's kids should be brought up, what would be the best way to bring them up?

Sorry for the long post. I wanted to bring you up to date and I also had a lot of questions.

ordinaryguy

Probably not the best use of your time.

Mom of 2

Nope. It is not the best use of my time, and I know that. However, I find that my thoughts continually go there and I have to mentally stop myself. I think that I am just so worried that I will get hurt again, that I don't believe that I deserve to be happy and that I am waiting for the next shoe to fall. I believe I really want to control the events that I really don't have control over in order to shield myself from any future heartache/disappointment. I have always been that way. I continually tell myself, "Well, if I just knew about this detail, everything would be right with the world and I wouldn't worry anymore". However, once I find out the answer to one question, there is always another question that I want answered. Please tell me I am not the only one that feels that way. I can say, though, that this does not paralyze me, it just makes me wonder. In my past relationship and through my divorce process, I can tell you that the feelings that I was feeling were pure anxiety and fear. This is a little bit different. Although I do feel some fear of losing a great guy, there is a lot of excitement and anticipation, and wanting to get closer to him but not knowing when and how that will happen. Like I said before, I feel like a teenager sometimes.

Mom of 2

Okay, here is an update. Things, I think, are continuing to go well. However, we have plans to get together tonight and spend the day together on Saturday before I go to work at 4:45. He warned me last night that his ex pulled another stunt and she is California right now for a supposed work conference. He does not have any information on when she is expected to be returning, whether it was to be last night or sometime today. His daughter tried calling her mom last night to find out what was going on but her mom did not answer the phone. She is supposed to be picking up the kids this afternoon for her weekend, but the past few times that she has been out of state for pleasure or for work, she did make it back on time and ended up not picking the kids up until the next day. In addition to working in another business part time, she also works for one of the airlines and she is able to take cheap flights by flying on standby. However, these are the seats that are always bumped first when the flights are crowded and there is no guarantee that they will be able to get on the flight that they want. This is the excuse that she gives as to why she misses flights back and cannot make it back in time to pick up the kids. I am trying to be understanding about this, but I am already getting tired of this, as this will be the third time that this has happened. I know that it is out of my control and I know that it is out of his control. However, I only get to see him every other weekend as it is and I just want to be able to see him. I am 100% positive that he is not lyng about this as a way to get out of our plans because he has vented his frustration to his brother and his brother's fiance - who in turn has mentioned to me that he has been frustrated about this, but I am still worried that this will be the way our life is and I don't like it. I want to be patient, but it stinks. I mentioned my frustration to him last night and he let me vent - not that I vented very much. I just asked if this happened a lot and he said that this doesn't happen a lot but every once in a while. I asked if he thought that this would continue, and of course he said that he could not say, but he hoped that it wouldn't. I told him that it bothers me and that I am worried that this will be a problem in the future. He agreed with me and said that he is frustrated that it seems to only happen when it is her weekend with the kids. I don't know if there is any advice that anyone can give me at this time other than to be patient and see if this is a continuing pattern. I know that it is too soon to meet his kids and I don't want to rush the process just because I want to spend more time with him. I want for this to happen at the proper time and in the right way for the kids. However, this would not be such a problem if I knew the kids and they were comfortable with me and I could still spend time with him even if they were around. Again, I know that my past is making me doubt even the things that I am sure about because of the numerous times that my ex lied to me. I know that is what is happening in my mind. He is not my ex and has not lied to me before. But I am mad about this situation and I wish there was something that I could do to change it. Again, I don't want to beat a dead horse and to continue discussing this issue, but I am frustrated and I don't want this to continue. I know that I was given advice in the past to make plans with other people in the event that our plans continue to be changed/cancelled. However, I can't do that a lot either, as my friends are important to me and I don't want to make "maybe" plans with them in the event that my plans with him fall through, and then when my plans with him do happen as planned to then drop my plans with them and say, "Sorry guys, I'm getting together with him instead". I don't want to use my friends like that. I did that in high school and some of my friendships were strained because I could never do anything with them when I had a boyfriend because my boyfriend always wanted me to spend all of my time with him, which meant that I ignored my friends until the day that I did not have a boyfriend. Oh what to do, what to do. I know that I have done all that I can do at this point. Any comments about this would surely be welcomed.

jrebel7

Just a thought but I don't see why this would not be the perfect time for you to meet he and his kids somewhere fun, not loud or tons of activity going on but relaxed yet somewhere they kids would enjoy..........meet them, visit, just for awhile. I don't see why, as much time as you spend with him now and taking in consideration your feelings for him and his for you, why you are hesitant to meet the kids. At first, yes, but now, seems the ideal time. It would be a step forward, it would relieve your anxiety and worries. If he declines, communicate as to why so you know where he stand on this at this time. He may have a valid reason for not wanting to introduce them yet but then again, he may just be wanting to and feeling you don't think it is the appropriate time.

I would say this will be a common occurence from time to time through possibly no fault on his or her part, because there is an ex and there are children. That goes with the package. It is something you need to realize because it may not be something you are willing to abide. If you can't accept that, you probably need to move on. I know you care about him a lot but by this time, you need to either meet the kids, see what you think about how the relationship will go when you are around them.

From experience I can tell you that once you have been hurt so deeply by lies, it is almost impossible to regain the ability to trust. Not impossible but for some personalities, like you and I, more difficult than for others. I have friends that get lied to, get upset about it but never question anything until the next time they find out they have been lied to even by the same person and these friends seem to own no red flags at all. You and I, I think, own too many red flags! LOL We need to trash a few of them.

Until he lies to you and you know he has, be very careful how you react when you are disappointed. If he is not a person who lies, that will get old very quickly and he will not want to have to be explaining himself all the time or constantly having to reassure you of his feelings. I can say this out of my experience so I am not trying to be short with you about it. I understand the anxiety you are writing about. It may not be within you to trust him or anyone else until you come to grips with the pain you have been through with your ex and everyone has their own time table on learning to trust again.

Again, I would make the suggestion to meet his kids (if you are willing also to introduce him to yours soon). See where that takes you. I wish you well. As we have said before, we like to know the ending before we get to it but when it comes to relationships, you just have to take it a day at a time, measure it out each day and see if you want it to continue. I would suggest you think about how it would feel if he were not in your life. If that seems too painful, I would be extra careful in this situation regarding his children. I doubt you would want to feel he was putting pressure on you if it were the other way around.

I am not a relationship expert so take what you can from what I say and trash the rest.

Just some thoughts, hoping to help you get a little balance in your emotions. Venting helps and since you posted, you may have already worked through this. Best to you!

Mom of 2

Jrebel - Yes, as you already know, and I have admitted to it in the past, I do use these posts to vent. Not only does this help me work through my feelings and get advice from others, but it is my hope that maybe, just maybe, I can help someone else out there in a similar situation who may not be able to bare their feelings on a site like this.

To Jrebel and everyone else, since the time of my last post, my boyfriend's ex DID get back from out of state and did in fact pick up the kids on Friday night, albeit a little late, but it still worked out. Yes, I do realize that since children and an ex are involved, it does complicate a relationship. He did not lie about the situation. I can deal with complications, I cannot deal with lies. With each situation that has come my way in this relationship, I have continued to be shown that this is a trustworthy guy and I am coming to trust this person more and more.

In regard to the kid situation, I am more than willing to have him meet my kids at this time, as I feel that he is such a great person who would be a positive influence in their lives, as well as the fact that I see a future with this individual. I am more excited now than scared to introduce my children to him and for me to meet his children. However, like I said before, I don't want to rush it, as I think he wants to introduce me to his parents first. I think I was just frustrated in my earlier post because if I knew his kids at this time, it would not be such a big deal with me being there at the time that his ex picked up the kids, etc. Just because it would have been more convenient for him and I, this does not mean that it is in the best interests of the children. I know in time, we will meet each other's kids. I just have to be a little more patient. I don't want to rush a good thing.

Yesterday, he took me with him to shop for a new car because he said that he wanted my opinion. To me, this is a clear indication that he values my opinion, which says a lot about our relationship. In addition to that, he wanted me to help him pick out a new bedroom set for his son. We did not find anything at this time, but it was the idea that he asked me to help him with something that was for his child that made it important to me, and I was glad to help. He also went out of his way to introduce me to one of his good friends (by driving impromply to this guy's house), saying that this was an important person in his life and he wanted me to meet him and for this person to meet me. Finally, while driving in his car and talking on the phone with two people, he told them that he was with me, which is something that he has not done in the past. (In the past whenever he would be on the phone with someone and I was present, he did not mention that I was even there.) There are always steps in any relationship and I am really convinced that these are positive steps in the right direction. I think that he just wants to introduce me and make it known that we are together to all of the important adult family and friends in his life before we involve our children. I have to remind myself that if this relationship is worth it, things cannot be rushed. If it were over a year and not just the 4 months that we have known each other, I think that I would have a reason to be worried. I am more and more confident that this introduction will be happening soon. I have to also remind myself that I have YET to introduce him to any of my family members and I already know 4 of his family members (2 brothers and their wife/girlfriend). All in good time I guess. I want to introduce him to my family members and I hope to be able to do that very soon.

ordinaryguy

ANY time you want to worry, you'll be able to find a reason.

Mom of 2

As I said I would, I just lived in the moment today and did not worry one time about "what if" this and "what if" that. I kept myself busy and focused on the things that I needed to accomplish. I could not believe that time flew by more quickly. When he called tonight at his usual time, I was shocked that it was that time already. I just felt so much more accomplished today and more at ease. What a big difference this change in mindset made my day!!!! It is amazing how changing perspective and the way I do things that makes so much of a difference. I cannot believe that I was wasting so much energy to this kind of worrying. I can't believe that it was so easy!!!!

Just thought that you all would want to know. Thanks again for all of your support and comments. I will continue to move forward, no matter what the future holds for me. I don't have control of anything other than how I act/react to the moment that I am in.

talaniman

I think as long as you take your time, and enjoy the getting to know each other very well, process, you both will be fine. There is no hurry for any reason right now, not even to involve the kids.