Okay. I have posted a lot on this site, but I have been away for awhile. Some people may know my background, but some may not. Therefore, I will just say that I am a divorced mother of 2 beautiful children (It was final in Nov 06) and I just started dating a divorced father of 2 children himself.

We have been seeing eachother for 3 months and feelings are growing stronger and stronger, at least for me. He calls me every night, but we only are able to see eachother every other weekend. It is great that we both have our kids on the same weekends, so we don't have to worry about getting sitters when we want to go out, etc.

I told myself that I would be overly cautious when dating again, but I feel that I am falling fast and hard for this guy. We talk about our children all of the time and I think that we both know eachother's kids without actually physically meeting them. Part of me thinks that we are moving too fast, while at other times I feel like I want to speed it up. Is it normal to have such conflicted feelings? It is not like I want to meet his kids or him mine at this very moment, but I feel that he and I really have a future together. Then again, I thought that about my ex.

Is there anyone out there who is in this same situation? I would really love to hear not just the women's point of view, but also the guys. What sort of things go through a guy's mind who also has kids?

talaniman

They should know your going out, but giving them to much info, maybe to soon, as you have no idea whats going to happen. If they get curious, they will ask questions. But just dating is enough for now. The best part of being on a forum like this, is you get a lot of views. Take what makes sense, ignore what doesn't. Its all food for thought.

Mom of 2

I realized that I never answered the question about what his response is when I say that I miss him. He has responded that he misses me too and he can't wait to see me. However, the last time that I said that I was going to miss him when we were hugging goodbye (last weekend), he just gave me a bigger bear hug, made a moan but did not say those exact words back. But he has continued to call me everyday since.

It stinks because I told myself from the get go that I did not want to have strong feelings about anyone for a long time, but here I am falling hard. He was actually the one doing the pursuing and making all of the first moves, and he still goes for my hand first to hold it, etc. I know that I am having fear of rejection based on the fact that my ex cheated on me and that was one of the reasons for my divorce. I am just having a tough time understanding all these feelings to determine if I should start pulling back so that I don't get hurt again. I don't want to make him feel claustrophobic, but I don't want to be standoffish to make him think that I don't care. I just want to get to know him more and in the process to get closer to him. Like I said, we are getting together with his brother and his girlfriend/fiancee (my girlfriend from the restaurant) this coming weekend and then he and I are going on a ski trip for the rest of the weekend (Sat and Sun). Maybe it is a good thing at this point that we only see eachother every other weekend because this forces us to only talk on the phone to get to know eachother between that time. By the way, it was his idea to go away for a ski weekend instead of my idea of just going to a local ski hill.

Since typing this entry, I have decided that I will start to do what I was doing in the beginning and let him pursue more like he was when we first met instead of me contacting him the way that I have been this past week. I am going to take the advice that I have gotten here of just enjoying it and let it flow. It is hard though because I am the type of person that needs to KNOW where I am heading before I get there. This is not ALWAYS a good thing.

It also doesn't help much when my girlfriend tells me that she thinks that he is getting ready to introduce me to his parents and that she thinks that we will be getting married eventually, even calling me her sister-in-law, because that puts a lot of additional thoughts in my head as to why certain things are not occuring. I have told her that she can't say things like that just because she wants it for us. I know that she means well and boy am I chippy (but sometimes scared too) when she says these things.

Does anyone have a crystal ball out there? That would save me a lot of time!!!! I don't want me, my kids or anyone to get hurt and that is why I am so confused and concerned.

Mom of 2

I did not realize that we already hit the second page of this thread. SORRY!! Thank you talaniman for your words of comfort. I feel a lot better about my choice to tell the kids that I am dating someone. No, I am not telling them anymore than that, as they do not need to know specifics, nor would they understand. That is why I have decided to come back here to voice my feelings about my relationship with this man.

My son HAS been asking a lot of questions lately and I have just been saying that we go out but not where we go. He does know how we first met because I told him that I was going to a football game with "Auntie _____" (I left off my girlfriend's name, but my kids call her auntie), her fiancee and her fiancee's brother. I thought that we were going as friends, otherwise I would not have mentioned even that much. I didn't consider it a date, but rather a time that I was going out with friends. However, things went very well and that is how it all started. When the guy called me on the phone a couple of times while in the car or at home with my kids, I try to make it sound like I am just talking to a friend. However, my son has picked up on a lot more than I thought he would, maybe because I usually smile a lot more during these conversations. However, like I said before, I don't think that the guy has mentioned anything to his kids that he is dating ANYONE and this has caused me a lot frustration. I don't think that it is my business to know if he has said anything to his kids, but then there is part of me that would like to know. I am just going to leave it where it is and just try and live in the moment. Again, my head is saying one thing and my heart is saying something else.

Mom of 2

Here is a brief update.... I just got off of the phone with him (he called me, as most times) and we talked about our plans for next weekend. At the end of the conversation, he was the one who said "I miss you", which is the first time that he was the one who said it first. God, I feel so immature right now that I have to worry about who said what first. But, someone in one of the earlier posts had asked me and I just wanted to provide an update to my earlier response. I guess I am the one who is making things so complicated. I just need to stop thinking so much.

Now, I just have to take it one day at a time and let the relationship unfold as it will. I will still need help down the road with how to phrase certain questions, as I feel like I am a fish out of water there. Not only is dating a lot harder when you get older because I feel like someone just decided to change all of the rules when I wasn't looking, but I have to remember that this is the first time that I have dated when I have had kids or anyone else has had kids. There is more at stake than when I was dating before I was married and had children. Ugh!!!!

jrebel7

Hi there! Thanks for the update. Sounds like things are going well. Don't hesitate to post any time. There will always be someone respond fairly quickly. I don't know if you realize or not but I sent a private message to you earlier in the day. No need to respond, I just didn't know if you would know where to go to access it. I didn't when I first got on this site and had direction from other posters which I appreciated so much.

The rules are different now it seems but keep in mind, you can write your own as you go! I do understand what you mean, just hoping to make you smile. Best to you.

talaniman

Generally thinking to much leads to confusion, and assumptions. But Your thinking is down to earth, practical, and very responsible, which shows your mature and grounded. Very good traits to balance your own heart. Maybe the rules have changed, as I have been told by my younger colleagues here, but we know there are some rules that never change, like good manners and honesty. You have every right to expect the same from your date also. We may think things have changed from what we remember, but they really haven't. We are the ones who have done the changing. Have a good time getting to know each other, and don't let that smart little child you have get to nosey, LOL. Like you can stop him.

Mom of 2

jrebel7 - Thanks for letting me know about the private message. I did not know that I had one, so I will go there right after I post my update. I know about the private messenging, but I hadn't been using this site for a long while. You know what they say, when you don't use it, you lose it!!! Anyway, thanks again.

Talaniman - You have ALWAYS offered such good advice to everyone that I have seen on this site. You and I seem to visit a lot of the same posts so that is how I know. It is great to hear the viewpoints of other mature adults. You can ask your friends and family these same questions, but they will always tell you things that they think you want to hear, which is not always good. Thanks to everyone out there who has responded to my questions/concerns and to let me know I am normal!!! However, I am still curious about how to pose certain questions i.e. have you mentioned to your kids that you are dating someone? At this point, though, I think I should just let well enough alone. However, at times I feel that he is keeping the fact that he is dating too big of a secret. He never talks on the phone with me when his kids are around (not that I really want them to hear what we are saying, etc.), but I have the ability to talk to anyone on the phone when my kids are around, I just choose the correct language to use and don't give out too much info when they are around. Am I asking too much?

Here is an update at any rate. He called me twice yesterday. The first time because he was running errands and he "just wanted to hear my voice" and the second time was because it was the usual time to chat before going to bed. I don't know why I was so worried before. Maybe it is because I had lost faith in the opposite sex from my past experiences. However, I need to let that go because not all men are like my ex.

Thanks again for all of your advice/encouragement, etc. And yes, my 12-year-old is very curious. I try to be as general as possible, but he can be so inquisitive sometimes. He is also very protective of his mama. He witnessed so much between his dad and I and he just wants me to be happy. About a month ago he told me that he just wants me to be happy and that he just wants this guy (or I think any guy) to treat me right. He has such a wall up against his father because of the things that he witnessed that he did to me. I think for a while, he was scared that I would find another man just like him, which thank God (I think) I have not. Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent.

Mom of 2

Well, some of our plans for this weekend had to change, which I am disappointed about. However, the plans of WHAT we are doing have changed, but we will still be seeing each other and spending time together. He is supposed to be helping his brother do something, which was already the case, but it is going to take longer than anticipated. Therefore, by the time he gets home and we have to travel the three hours to where we were going, it would not be worth going. So, we are just going to stay by his place, go out to dinner and a movie, etc. I should be content that I am at least going to be spending time with him, but I am still very disappointed. I told him that I was disappointed and he took it in stride. I mentioned in an email that he sent me later that I can be a VERY understanding person, but he would have to really make it up to me. I phrased this statement in a joking manner because I don't want to sound like the y girlfriend. However, I felt that a statement of some kind had to be made so that my understanding nature is not taken advantage of. I know that these situations may happen again, as that is life and life almost never comes out the exact way you want it. But if it becomes a pattern, then I will have to be less joking and more adamant about not being pushed to the side. I understand that I have to be flexible and understanding, especially since he is a single father, but I am tired of being the "sweet girl" who has a heart of gold and who ALWAYS understands, not just with him but with other people too. This is an entirely separate issue and something that I have to work on within myself.

This post is more of a venting than a question of sorts. He said that he would be calling me again later tonight at our usual time, so I will be able to talk to him about this some more. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I want him to get into his head that I understand that sometimes plans have to change, but I don't want this to become a habit where everyone else gets priority over me. I can understand where his kids get top priority all of the time and I will never be able to compete against that. However, I need to come out on top of his friends and his siblings at least sometimes. Am I asking too much? Okay, so I did end it with a question, so please respond with your thoughts.

Thanks!!!! Any suggestions of how I candle handle these kinds of situations in the future so that I am not walked over by anyone.

jrebel7

Hi there!

My first question to you would be, "Is this the first time he has changed plans on you or has it happened often? From what I have gotten from earlier posts, he has been consistently there for you, calling, coming over, taking you out, etc. If I have misread, please let me know. It makes a difference on posts I would give and probably that others would give also, getting this clarified.

My suggestion would be if it happens regularly, just begin making other plans with other people (not saying guys) and stick to your plan even if he becomes available. Perhaps in the past as you say, you have always been the understanding one and that is not a negative until it makes you feel like a victim.

When one feels like a victim, then one begins to take on the personna of a victim. I know you must have been so disappointed. I am not saying you should not have been. It takes a ton of work but one must not depend on the actions of another to make or break their day. Just saying since you told him you were disappointed and it doesn't seem like it was something he could avoid this time since it was already in the works, it might be best to drop it rather than continuing to make a "statement" about it. I hope you don't take this as criticism for how you handled it this time. I am just a little concerned by your following statement:

"but I am tired of being the "sweet girl" who has a heart of gold and who ALWAYS understands, not just with him but with other people too. This is an entirely separate issue and something that I have to work on within myself."

I am a bit concerned that you might in future, without realizing it, try to punish this guy verbally or put the man you are beginning to care about in a precarious situation of always having to prove himself to you by making this a huge issue this early in the relationship. I feel you may still be reeling over past hurts and goodness, who of us aren't to some degree, right??? But I am hoping that the issue you refer to above does not creep in and cause you unhappiness when you seem so excited about this guy. I am not saying you should not address such issues, just as you mention, don't want to beat a dead horse. He probably feels bad about it anyway.

Also, I am not 'taking up' for him. Please don't misunderstand. I would be the first to say "Walk and Block" if this guy was mistreating you or placing you in a position of always having to be the one to take a back seat to others in his life. He disappointed you but it didn't sound from your post that he could actually help it this time and was still trying to spend time with you and enjoy your company. Perhaps you could let this go this time since you did address it a bit. Then the next time around, if it happened, you could address it as a serious issue with you. I am however, one who likes to put it all out on the table so people know what type person they are dealing with generally speaking but in this type of relationship, your relationship might need time to grow and flourish before sharing what you are going to need from him in order to be happy. Has he made you aware of what he needs and enjoys from a relationship?

One more thought: Guys tend to be very task oriented. He had this task going already, in the works, as you said so that was foremost on his mind from the prior commitment....sort of a 'getterdone' mentality. LOL It didn't sound like he meant to treat you with any disrespect, probably just wanted your time you have for this type of trip, to be ideal and not rushed.

I hope I have not missed the mark on this one. You will have other's helping here also and by now, you may have already worked through the emotion of your disappointment and already have more perspective on this situation. Best to you!

Mom of 2

You are absolutely right, jrebel7!!! When he called this evening - which was before I read your entry - I decided not to bring it up again. I have to say that I am proud of myself that I was thinking right by not saying anything. I remember me thinking during the phone call, "I should say something, but I really don't want to have a confrontation about this. I really think he is sorry and no matter what I say it is not going to change anything, other than to ruin the weekend that we have together." I feel that my entry this evening prior to his last phone call was more of a venting. I'm glad that someone else agrees that this was the proper thing to do. I don't feel so weak anymore.

Yes, I have been known in the past to keep everything inside of me and let other people walk over me time and time again, which only made me become resentful. I am scared that this could happen again and because of this I have put up a protective wall to a certain degree. So, yes I personally have issues of this happening to me before. However, this is the first time with this guy, other than having to cancel getting together on a Friday night a couple of weeks ago because his ex failed to pick up the kids. From what I have seen so far from this guy he wants to do so much for everyone that he spreads himself too thin. I can relate because I used to be the same way. I know both instances were totally out of his control and I guess I am just afraid that this could be a pattern, a pattern of unavoidable circumstances. I just want to be able to see as much of him as possible due to the fact that the time that we DO have is so limited. However, I also have to protect myself and if this does become a pattern, I will address it at that time and no sooner than that time. I wouldn't want him to continually berate me for anything that was beyond my control. That is what my ex used to do to me and I hated it!!!!

What I have to keep in mind is that we ARE going to be spending time together, just doing different things. I am greatful for the fact that we will still be able to spend QUALITY time together instead of being rushed. The fact that others in my past took advantage of my understanding is not this guy's fault.

In answer to a question from jrebel7, since this is so early in our relationship, we have not had any serious discussions about what it will take to make each of us happy in a relationship, other than the commonality of being cheated on. I know that both of us have trust issues, and that is why I strongly believe that he is being truthful and is very sorry that this has happened. At least he told me 3 days in advance rather than the day of, which is what occured a lot in my past. He could have waited until the very last minute to say something. He has NEVER stood me up. I think there was only one or two times that he did not call when he said he would. Both of these times he claimed that he fell asleep and did not wake up until the next morning. I can understand how that can happen because I have done that.

So, the end result is.... "Life" happens. I am not going to ruin the beginning of what I see is a fantastic relationship over something so trivial in the grand scheme of things.