Okay. I have posted a lot on this site, but I have been away for awhile. Some people may know my background, but some may not. Therefore, I will just say that I am a divorced mother of 2 beautiful children (It was final in Nov 06) and I just started dating a divorced father of 2 children himself.

We have been seeing eachother for 3 months and feelings are growing stronger and stronger, at least for me. He calls me every night, but we only are able to see eachother every other weekend. It is great that we both have our kids on the same weekends, so we don't have to worry about getting sitters when we want to go out, etc.

I told myself that I would be overly cautious when dating again, but I feel that I am falling fast and hard for this guy. We talk about our children all of the time and I think that we both know eachother's kids without actually physically meeting them. Part of me thinks that we are moving too fast, while at other times I feel like I want to speed it up. Is it normal to have such conflicted feelings? It is not like I want to meet his kids or him mine at this very moment, but I feel that he and I really have a future together. Then again, I thought that about my ex.

Is there anyone out there who is in this same situation? I would really love to hear not just the women's point of view, but also the guys. What sort of things go through a guy's mind who also has kids?

talaniman

That a good future topic to discuss.

frangipanis

hi there, it really does sound like a nice start to a healthy relationship, especially given how your friend is part of his family and is happy for you both.

I guess we were a little more spontaneous at the beginning of our relationship, and I was introduced to my partner's two boys on our second date when he took me to see a film with them, and because it was so early in our relationship, there was little threat to anyone. However, it was then that we both knew there was something more than casual friendship brewing between us. On our third date he came to my home for dinner when he naturally met both of my kids.

I thought of our new relationship as being a very normal part of my life, as I had been on my own a long time since separating from my ex and I genuinely liked this man. I wanted to be with him and get to know him better. I tried to make it clear to my children that I was ready to move on with my life and that he was special, and let them know that I was naturally being cautious about the sort of man I was introducing into their lives.

We do hug and kiss in front of our kids, simply because we're both comfortable with showing affection and that's how we feel about each other. My daughter thinks it's grose (lol) but has gotten used to it and now just rolls her eyes, smiles, goes d'oh, and walks away. But at least the kids can see we're happy.

We took it slowly by seeing each other only two or three times a week for a few months, and gradually over time saw more of each other's kids and introduced them to each other. Being on holiday in January was the first time we spent over a week together, and without the kids around, we got to know each other a lot better. It was wonderful

We're back to seeing each other only a few times a week since the holiday, which I'm now finding difficult, since I would rather be with him more often and think I am almost ready to start planning for the next big step; I would love to start plans on building our own home, and be ready to move in together at the end of the year. We're just not quite ready to make life-long promises to each other... since neither of us wants to go through the pain of another divorce, we're a little hesitant, and are possibly waiting for that special moment when we're both convinced we're both ready.

But that's our story, and I wouldn't expect your situation to be too similar to ours. You have a different mix of personalities and things to work with that will make a difference as to how and when you all meet for the first time. And I wouldn't say that's it's all been a smooth transition for us or our kids... it's just that we're both fairly together people (as you and your partner seem to be) and tend to hope for the best. There are still lots adjustments to be made.

I think you're lucky that you can have weekends free to be with each other... that's a real bonus.

Mom of 2

I have mentioned to my kids that I have been seeing someone special without telling them specifics about what we are doing. I don't think that I did anything wrong, as I believe that they need to know that I have friends outside of the mothers of their friends. However, I have an inkling that the guy I am seeing has not said anything to his kids that he is even dating anyone. During a conversation that he and I had, I found out that his ex-wife has had 3 boyfriends since their divorce 2 years ago and his daughter had a problem with each one of these boyfriends. This situation probably makes him even more hesitant to bring up the subject to them. Is there anyone else out there who has been in the same situation? Why do I let this bother me so much?

Also, what does "a girl I have been seeing" mean to a 40+ man? Does this have any serious conotations? Guys - please voice your opinions. Gals - why do we get so hung up on phrases to determine the seriousness of a relationship (at least I do)? I know that he cares about me or he would not be emailing me during the day to say that he is thinking about me or forwarding something to me that he thought that I would enjoy reading or calling me every night to see how my day was and calls me "honey" or "sweetie pie" when he talks to me. Sometimes I feel like I am back in highschool all over again!!! See, I am a long way off of thinking about marriage if I can't figure out the "easy" stuff!!!! Sorry if my original post made it sound like I was ready to marry this guy! Again, I have strong feelings for him and I SEE a future with him, but it is definitely a long way off. I just don't want to scare the guy off or appear to be standoffish, etc. Maybe because we have so much physical time apart, this makes my mind wander and think too much. People who I have talked to about this say that I am worrying too much, that he really likes me and that it is just a matter of time and patience. I have had a couple of flings since my divorce and this is the first guy that I have had such STRONG feelings about since my ex (I had been physically separated from my ex for a period of 2-1/2 years prior to our divorce being finalized 1-1/2 years ago). So, I believe that I have experienced the "needy attention phase" and that I am not just looking at this relationship with rose colored glasses.

s_cianci

I think it is normal to have conflicted feelings. Just remember that whatever you do decide the children are going to have a huge impact. If you really want to consider a future with this guy I wouldn't keep the kids "in the closet" too much longer.

Mom of 2

This leads me to another question, when do you know when you should introduce the children? How should I instigate a conversation to bring up this subject? He and I are going away on a ski trip for the weekend next weekend, just the two of us. Should I bring it up then? I am so confused I am driving myself crazy. It is amazing that I usually have the ability to give other people good advice but when it comes to my own life, I am at a loss!!!!

jrebel7

Communication is as we know paramount to a good relationship but sometimes, because of the intensity of our feelings, we tend to get ahead of ourselves when we begin to approach a situation where we do need to address it. I believe this may be one of them. Some times subjects don't just present themselves and one or the other must broach the subject.

What is some advice about introducing the kids to the other person, as well as to their kids? Also, what is the best way to bring up the subject of introducing the kids to each other without making it sound forced or scaring the other person off. I know, I know, the subject will present itself, but what happens if I am waiting for him to say something and he is waiting for me to say something? How can I bring the subject up that I would EVENTUALLY like to introduce my kids to him and vice versa without it coming off that I am trying to rush our relationship? I just want to know when/if he has these thoughts as well.

However, I believe perhaps your last sentence should be your first to him. During a relaxed time where you two are just visiting, just ask him if he has given any thought as to when might be a good time for "us to meet each other's children". That way, the question is on the table but does not place either of you in a position of feeling anything is being rushed..................just puts it on the table for discussion.

The more I read your posts, the more I realize you have great depth as an individual and are a deep thinker when it comes to relationships. Sometimes just from one post, we don't see the whole picture and it is nice to get further details. It is helpful to each of us. Thank you for sharing in more depth as we go.

I don't know if you are like me but I tend to want to read the end of the book first, so I know how it ends or be told about a movie, before viewing so I know what to expect. Sounds like you are putting a lot of thought into this situation before proceeding and are going forward rather cautiously and that is good. At times, I sense a bit of panic that this is so great and you just are afraid it will end. That is not unusual when one's heart has been awakened to a new love. As difficult as it is, I hope you can truly enjoy the journey as it unfolds..........realizing if this is meant to be, you aren't going to do just one thing that suddenly ruins anything or ends it nor is he. He may be feeling these same feelings of panic. If this is meant to be, your love for each other will grow, you each will feel comfortable as to when to share those feelings as they present new areas to be opened.

It is refreshing to me to read of new love after coming out of a dark time from a previous relationship. Renews my belief in the power of love. I would have some suggestions later on meeting the children but best left for a future time. For now, allow me to just again wish you the best each day and leave you with the suggestion to just ask him if he has given any thought as to when he thinks the two of you should meet each other's children.

Mom of 2

Just knowing that I am not the only one who has felt this way is refreshing. I do realize that if this is meant to be, one mistake is not going to absolutely ruin the relationship. I think before I talk about introducing the kids, I need to get his feelings on the relationship as a whole. I would be surprised if he said that we do not have a future at all. This is due to the fact that my girlfriend, who I mentioned in an earlier post said that she has a feeling that I will be meeting his mom real soon. When she said that, I was a little confused because of the fact that we have not broached the subject of meeting eachother's kids. However, someone mentioned to me that in a relationship where children are involved, it is logical for adult family members to be introduced to the girlfriend before the children. That way, his immediate family would be able to tell him whether or not the person is a good choice and would be wise to proceed with the meeting of the children that are also a part of their lives. Adults can get over feelings of attachment better than children can.

When I think about it, I have already met two of his three brothers but he has not met any of my family members. I talk about my family members, but he has never met any of them. So, I guess he might be feeling the same way that I am. He did ask me about a month ago what I thought of him when I was first introduced to him, so maybe he has just as many questions about this as I do. I know that I will be taking jrebel7's advice and just come out and ask him questions, i.e. where do you think that this relationship is going? I have already told him that I love spending time with him, that I miss him after we have been apart for a week and that I can't wait to see him again. I just hate the feeling of being needy!!

jrebel7

Just a slight word of caution: Asking him if he has given it any thought as to when you both should meet each other's children and "where do you think this relationship is going" are very different in one being non-aggressive and sort of laid back and one being a bit "head on" so to speak. Just trust your instincts on the timing of this other question would be my suggestion. There is always time for that, although, it would be good to know his thoughts on that prior to involving the children.

Does he share with you that he misses you also and can't wait to see you again also? I ask only to get a more clear picture for myself and other posters as to how quickly questions should proceed should you ask our opinion later on these types of issues.

I am sure he has just as many questions as you. Guys tend to shy away when gals seem too needy so I understand you not liking the feeling of being needy. It will all unfold when the time is right.

talaniman

Given the short time between your divorce, and the current interest, I would go very slow, and not get carried away by intense emotions, at this time. Have a load of fun getting to know each other, and after 6-9 months, you can talk together, and define were you want to go. Also be aware that the times spent apart, tend to magnify feelings, and raise questions in our mind, that may mislead us, or get us thinking to much. Its about being patient, and learning to communicate with each other. Talking and listening is key, as well as paying attention. Actions speak louder than words. There is no hurry to do anything at this time, but have a great time, with no expectations, other than finding out about each other, and see what comes later. I feel its to early for kids to be aware and involved, with your fun, until the two of you have reached that decision together. Again, what's the hurry?

Mom of 2

So, it was a bad thing that I mentioned something to my kids that I am seeing someone special? I feel like I am getting different advice all over. I know that I can't change what has happened in the past with the fact that my kids know that I am dating. However, I can continue not to provide specifics about this man until I know for certain it is moving in a long term future direction.