This question is a bit convoluted, but Im confused and really glad to have found this site. I need objective, frank answers about a few issues Im having. All feedback is really appreciated.

Background: We are both in our mid/late 20s. We love each other. Dating for over 1 year, have discussed marriage.

My GF is a daterape victim. She was a virgin - a Fr in college - seeing this guy, one night he forced himself on her and it happened. She told me this during the 1st month we started seeing each other. We both love each other, but I cant wrap my head around the whole 'date rape' concept ... how could she have 'let this happen' - i know that sounds judgemental to a degree, and im very sensitive to the issue, so I dont want to blame her (of course) but my mentality, my point of view, is that if you really dont want it theres a number of things (kicking, screaming) that could prevent it. She has told me its hard for me to get in the mindset of a scared virgin that didnt react - she felt paralyzed. After this she went into a spiral of self-worthlessness and told me (in confidence) that had a 1 night stand later on that year - she regets it, but felt worthless. This story further bothered me since I could sense some kind of pattern developing ... She has told me a semester of therapy helped her work through it.

Also, to complicate the issue, a few of her friends have been date raped. It almost seems like a trend. Again - I dont want to sound insensitive. Maybe I cant grasp this concept since i could never fathom doing that to another human being. I couldnt even get aroused to force myself on someone like that. Its sickening.

I didnt know how to react. Its so foreign to me. Im hear making an effort to understand.

Fast forward aabout 5 years. We meet and hit it off. Begin dating. Theres immediate chemistry - we share the same sense of humor and have a blast with each other. we are crazy about each other. Shes a beautiful, strong, indepentdent woman that I have a lot of respect for. However, shes almost "too independent" to the point she is harsh (keep in mind this was all in the beginning). She mentioned a few things like "we have sex - we dont make love" "dont get too clingy" "women shold be able to have sex with whomever they want. 'slut' is such a bull word" ... stuff like this was a problem for me. It still is. I wish i could physically cut those memories out of my brain.

Im trying to get into her head. To see things from her perspective. Help me with that.
After ~ month 2 I asked her to be my GF. She shyed away, then said 'yes' but only if she didnt have to change her "single myspace status" ... she didnt want to hurt her ex hookups feelings (who constantly left messages on her page). it seemed to me that she was more concered with his feeling that mine. that still stings a little.

Same with the 'I Love You' thing a while later. It took her a few days to say it back. Thats a big step, I know, and didnt want her to fake it, so I was cool that she took her time. I actually encoruaged it when I initially told her that I loved her.


And another issue is that she keeps in touch with her old flames - boyfriends and guys she hooked up with. She tells me im the love of her life (i would do anything for her), but I have asked her - repeatedly - "why keep in contact with these guys?" She sees nothing wrong with this. In college she dated close personal guys friends. Its seems she has a pattern of meeting guys, becoming close, becoming lovers, then transitioning back to friends. I see exes as ppl who are in my past - they are exes for a reason. Its a sticking point for me (and I hate it. I wish i didnt care about her so much sometimes). My point is recently she has revealed this fact - its like the lines of 'friend' and 'lover' have been repeatedly crossed in her past.

But back to her recent hookups (the guy(s) she was seeing before me) - I know shes been with other guys - I cant change the past. But my perception is that these old flames arent totally in her past - her past is constantly intertwined with her present. These are the same guys shest deemed unworthy of the 'boyfriend" title, yet she dated (slept with a few, ect ... ).

I have told her a few times her contact with them bothers me - I want it to be "just us" and she thinks Im crazy to find her open lines of communication a problem. The thing that gets me is that there is no empathy from her end - its like shes right, im wrong, case closed. Im not insecure in our relationship, but it seems as though she is being apathetic to my feelings. If she came to me with a problem, I would fix it. I love her. Its that simple in my eyes.

I broke it off with the girls I was talking to when I began dating my current GF. I felt that was the right thing to do. I would feel like I am betraying her, and misleading the other girls, if I kept them in my life. Move on. Thats my philisophy.

Well today I said I would never give her a ring as long as this problem persisted. I cant see us making that next step when I feel like im sharing her (emotionally). I already have the ring picked out - its as simple, elegant, and beautiful as she is. I want to give it to her, but theres a little feeling in my gut that wont let me do it...

Help me out here - am I crazy?

How can i effectively convey that this is a recurring problem that is stagnating our relationship.

Thanks in advance

ISOA

talaniman

She knows how you feel, but she feels differently. It is just that simple. You cannot change a person and if thats the way she is, you either respect it and accept it, or leave her alone and move on. After all this time those are your choices. Take your time away from her, and make up your mind. Keep the ring in your pocket.

RickB

she shouldnt be talked to all those ex's she cant let go of them if u ask me. I told my gf shes not aloud to chill with the ex;s that want her back or would try to get her back and she respected that. just took a few months.

Parajr

Sometimes when you purchase a car it has an as is sign in the windown. This person seems to have some issues that may be the reslut of her past. Maybe this is just who she was destined to become, but the bottom line is that this is how she is now. She may not be that way forever. It is possible that she could change her mantality on life. I can't say that the way she lives is wright or wrong, but it is not fitting to be in a commited relationship. I would advise you to leave that car where it is and continue shopping, look at another dealership, becuase this one sounds like a lemon. Rate if this was helpful.

InSearchOfAnswers

Thanks for the response, but why? I would think the smart thing to do is compromise - meet in the middle. Apparently you think I should totally cave on this issue and let it slide. If she came to me with a problem, I would immediately try to figure out a solution that suits both of us ... i think thats the mature thing to do.

thats just me...

talaniman

Quote:

I have told her a few times her contact with them bothers me - I want it to be "just us" and she thinks Im crazy to find her open lines of communication a problem. The thing that gets me is that there is no empathy from her end - its like shes right, im wrong, case closed. Im not insecure in our relationship, but it seems as though she is being apathetic to my feelings. If she came to me with a problem, I would fix it. I love her. Its that simple in my eyes.

This paragraph led me to believe that she would not budge from her position, and its hard to compromise if she wont negotiate, or at least talk about it. Correct me if I'm wrong, or give us an update.

InSearchOfAnswers

Thanks Talaniman

I really do appreciate all of your (and eveyone else's) feedback ... I just feel Im between a rock and a hard place.

I have questions about how she approached past relationships (some guys appear to me nothing but "F-Buddies") and how she addressed our first phase of our sex life (its "sex, not love" etc) ... couple that with the date rape and it confuses me. Plus, as far as I know, she (claims) it not her reaching out, but the other way around. ... however she just perpetuates it and it becomes casual contact (in my mind anyway) ...

I feel that if i say 'lose them or lose me' she will view me as controlling and crazy - and thats really not even the issue. I really think the thing that bothers me the most is the lack of action or lack of effort for a solution ...


Maybe this is off topic, but is it wrong to think this way: these other guys were worthy of sex and thats it - thats all she used them for, however, since im 'special' she wanted to hold off on the physical (initially) and get to know each other better ... but the others were good enough to have sex with early on ... I hate that I think this way, but that bothers me. it give me the impression sometimes that im being used ... its weird, maybe i cant fully explain it correctly


this forum is helpful. thanks to all for listening

talaniman

It goes back to accepting someone for who they are, and even though I can appreciate your feelings and need to work it out, that does not appear to be whats happening here. Don't let your frustrations blind you to the fact she is not budging for you, so how special can you be to her? To see the forest, you must back off, until you can see more than just the trees. In other words, see a bigger picture.

maxim

I agree with some of the replys...but; i was raped once ( no drugs involved ). Let me tell you that it is NO way for a girl to loose her virginity...it gives a woman a whole new out look when it comes to men. She may have gotten help after, but the incedent will always be in the back of her mind. A woman feels betrayed, belittled, dirty, and powerless . Maybe that is why she is still in touch with her previous "friends". She can have the power, she gets to say hello or good-bye...i will admit its not very respectful that she continues contact after you told her your feelings ( i have recently discontinued contact with my ex. of 15 years bc of my new bf feelings). But maybe it makes her feel stronger being able to keep them on a string...
Keep the ring in your pocket...i don't think she knows what she wants yet...and take it SLOW.

InSearchOfAnswers

^^^ good advice. She says she doesnt initiate any of the contact, so I find it hard to blame her for the contact, however it just seems to perpetuate ...