This question is a bit convoluted, but Im confused and really glad to have found this site. I need objective, frank answers about a few issues Im having. All feedback is really appreciated.

Background: We are both in our mid/late 20s. We love each other. Dating for over 1 year, have discussed marriage.

My GF is a daterape victim. She was a virgin - a Fr in college - seeing this guy, one night he forced himself on her and it happened. She told me this during the 1st month we started seeing each other. We both love each other, but I cant wrap my head around the whole 'date rape' concept ... how could she have 'let this happen' - i know that sounds judgemental to a degree, and im very sensitive to the issue, so I dont want to blame her (of course) but my mentality, my point of view, is that if you really dont want it theres a number of things (kicking, screaming) that could prevent it. She has told me its hard for me to get in the mindset of a scared virgin that didnt react - she felt paralyzed. After this she went into a spiral of self-worthlessness and told me (in confidence) that had a 1 night stand later on that year - she regets it, but felt worthless. This story further bothered me since I could sense some kind of pattern developing ... She has told me a semester of therapy helped her work through it.

Also, to complicate the issue, a few of her friends have been date raped. It almost seems like a trend. Again - I dont want to sound insensitive. Maybe I cant grasp this concept since i could never fathom doing that to another human being. I couldnt even get aroused to force myself on someone like that. Its sickening.

I didnt know how to react. Its so foreign to me. Im hear making an effort to understand.

Fast forward aabout 5 years. We meet and hit it off. Begin dating. Theres immediate chemistry - we share the same sense of humor and have a blast with each other. we are crazy about each other. Shes a beautiful, strong, indepentdent woman that I have a lot of respect for. However, shes almost "too independent" to the point she is harsh (keep in mind this was all in the beginning). She mentioned a few things like "we have sex - we dont make love" "dont get too clingy" "women shold be able to have sex with whomever they want. 'slut' is such a bull word" ... stuff like this was a problem for me. It still is. I wish i could physically cut those memories out of my brain.

Im trying to get into her head. To see things from her perspective. Help me with that.
After ~ month 2 I asked her to be my GF. She shyed away, then said 'yes' but only if she didnt have to change her "single myspace status" ... she didnt want to hurt her ex hookups feelings (who constantly left messages on her page). it seemed to me that she was more concered with his feeling that mine. that still stings a little.

Same with the 'I Love You' thing a while later. It took her a few days to say it back. Thats a big step, I know, and didnt want her to fake it, so I was cool that she took her time. I actually encoruaged it when I initially told her that I loved her.


And another issue is that she keeps in touch with her old flames - boyfriends and guys she hooked up with. She tells me im the love of her life (i would do anything for her), but I have asked her - repeatedly - "why keep in contact with these guys?" She sees nothing wrong with this. In college she dated close personal guys friends. Its seems she has a pattern of meeting guys, becoming close, becoming lovers, then transitioning back to friends. I see exes as ppl who are in my past - they are exes for a reason. Its a sticking point for me (and I hate it. I wish i didnt care about her so much sometimes). My point is recently she has revealed this fact - its like the lines of 'friend' and 'lover' have been repeatedly crossed in her past.

But back to her recent hookups (the guy(s) she was seeing before me) - I know shes been with other guys - I cant change the past. But my perception is that these old flames arent totally in her past - her past is constantly intertwined with her present. These are the same guys shest deemed unworthy of the 'boyfriend" title, yet she dated (slept with a few, ect ... ).

I have told her a few times her contact with them bothers me - I want it to be "just us" and she thinks Im crazy to find her open lines of communication a problem. The thing that gets me is that there is no empathy from her end - its like shes right, im wrong, case closed. Im not insecure in our relationship, but it seems as though she is being apathetic to my feelings. If she came to me with a problem, I would fix it. I love her. Its that simple in my eyes.

I broke it off with the girls I was talking to when I began dating my current GF. I felt that was the right thing to do. I would feel like I am betraying her, and misleading the other girls, if I kept them in my life. Move on. Thats my philisophy.

Well today I said I would never give her a ring as long as this problem persisted. I cant see us making that next step when I feel like im sharing her (emotionally). I already have the ring picked out - its as simple, elegant, and beautiful as she is. I want to give it to her, but theres a little feeling in my gut that wont let me do it...

Help me out here - am I crazy?

How can i effectively convey that this is a recurring problem that is stagnating our relationship.

Thanks in advance

ISOA

talaniman

There is a side to this you seem to be missing. Why should she rearrange her life which she is happy with, for you when you haven't given her the proper motivation to do so?? I think she is waiting to see, are you the one who can deal with her on her level, or are you someone trying to control her. It seems she is looking out for herself, and not really ready for the kind of relationship you are looking for. I have suggested if you deem her worth pursuing, you change your tact and not worry about the exes, but endeavor to show her the better side of you, that does not demand change and can handle the threat of competition that these exes represent. Honestly you are not married or committed enough to make demands on what she does or how she does it, so back off and forget it, or man up and come with it as a male who is confident and knows what he wants. Believe me or not, that is what this female is looking for so ask your self, do you think you are the one???
Remember and understand her past, as it relates to her attitude and actions now. The last thing she needs is a man who does not understand and accept her for who she is.

InSearchOfAnswers

thanks tal - and i agree with you. i am here to get insight to help me understand. to get insight.

lisalou

i keep in brief contact with my ex, he was a part of my life and part of my growing up we have both moved on but there are things that we have in common and still laugh about - the same with my current boyfriend, we have been together 3 years, and though i found it hard to accept his friendship with his ex (they have a large group of mutual friends and see one another occasionally, once every 6 months or so) i eventually realised that i had to trust him. He loves me and is no longer with her. I know that he wouldnt cheat on me with her as he has told me his feelings about her.

I would be upset if my boyfriend asked me to cut ties with my ex because i have nothing to hide, our friendship is innocent and i would begrudge anyone who didnt trust me or had a problem with this because it essentially means you do not trust her. i too would NOT ever say that my boyfriend could not ever talk to his ex. I trust him. Your girlfriend has done nothing to betray your trust and you should not force her to cut innocent ties.

InSearchOfAnswers

Lisa - check your msgs

maxim

InSearch...
I hate to say it but i think Emland is right. She should be able to talk to you about anything...not her other "friends". I don't talk to my ex. anymore because my new bf did not like it...she should respect your feelings and do the same. A person told me in a response to one of my questions that there should'nt be anything for them to talk about if it cannot be said to that person in front of you...i think she is hiding something...and if she is still talking to previous f-buddies i will almost garentee there's flirting involved.

InSearchOfAnswers

i feel the same. the few times an ex has sent me a txt my response has been short and distant... i feel that anything other would be betraying my girl in some way. i have told her this, yet she really doesnt have a response ... i guess i just rely on the Golden Rule too much. maybe I just need to look out for #1 ...

thanks to all

ISOA

maxim

InSearch...
Good Luck...#1 is always the most important...

InSearchOfAnswers

Thanks maxim

I actually mad an appt with a rape crisis center counselor this morning. Hopefully this will help me work through the issues I am having with this, help me better understand her and how this has shaped her, help us communicate better, and make us a better couple for it.

When all of this started, I thought about having lunch with an ex to make her see my point, but that is immature and im better than that - even if it would in some way make her feel some hint of what she makes me feel (when she is apathetic to my problems)... anyway, I think Im going about this the right way. Ive got to trust that decision and go with it.

I appreciate all input - everyone has been very helpful. Its nice getting all of this off my chest since i cant tell anyone about this w/o betraying her trust, so for that, I thank all of you.

Im definately trying on this end. I hope all of my efforts are not in vain.

If anyone has anymore words of wisdom, please do not hesitate to enlighten me.

ISOA

talaniman

You may not reap the rewards of your efforts to day, but those efforts will be rewarded.