Controling parents trying to ruin our relationship.

Alty · Jun 25, 2012, 06:36 PM

He's 21. They can't force him to live under their roof, they have no right to take the money he earns, and they have no right to dictate who he dates, or how often he sees that person.

He either stops complaining, or he becomes the adult that he is. If he has a successful business, and he's 21, then there's nothing keeping him under their control other than fear.

It's his choice, and he does have a choice. It's time for him to make the choice that's best for him. At the very least he should stop letting them take the money he earns. He should open up his own account, and see to it that all his future earnings go to that account. He should stop paying for their bills, and concentrate only on his own bills. Most of all, he should move out on his own, and get the money that they've taken from him that he rightfully earned.

This is really a no brainer.

ktlay12 · Jun 25, 2012, 09:06 PM

Thanks. You're right, the money thing really is the biggest issue right now. At this point they have pretty much taken over the business' income, even though he is the only one that keeps it going. If he really wanted to, he could take the business and run; but he has decided to just let them keep it, since they want that income so badly, and just find another job, one that offers them no oppurtunity to take control of his income. There are other, more complicated, reasons why he's letting them keep the business that I won't go into. But once he finds another job he will be able to move out pretty quickly. The issue right now is dealing with the drama and control freak mother. Without it resulting in a blow up or him getting kicked out with NO money, no car and nowhere to go. Which is something they would do in a heartbeat if he does anything that they consider to be "disrespectful" ....It's sad and pathetic, I know.

Wondergirl · Jun 25, 2012, 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ktlay12

Without it resulting in a blow up or him getting kicked out with NO money, no car and nowhere to go. Which is something they would do in a heartbeat if he does anything that they consider to be "disrespectful" ....It's sad and pathetic, I know.

He can't avoid a blowup. It will happen as sure as God made little green apples. If he finally wants to claim adulthood, he needs to get out of that smothering situation. How does his mother get her hands on his money? or does he willingly give it to her?

Do you have a job, a car, and can move at any time?

ktlay12 · Jun 25, 2012, 10:33 PM

I guess she started getting it because he was so young when he first started working (just 16 years old) And I guess she has just refused to give up control of it as he has gotten older. He really can't "not" give her the money; if he doesn't, she does have the ability to make things very ugly for him. I am currently a full-time student, living on campus 3 hours away from him. I do have a car. If I was able I would let him stay with me...but since it's University housing, that's not an option :/

Alty · Jun 26, 2012, 03:02 PM

This is a tough position, and no matter how you look at him getting out from her control, there's going to be a blowup.

If he needs money to move out, he's going to have to go against them and set up his own bank account, which will cause a blowup. If he demands that they give him the money he's earned, he may well have to take them to court to get it, which will cause a blowup. I don't see an easy way out of this that won't result in his parents freaking out.

I'm sorry that you're both in this position. When will you be finished school? Can he hold on until you're done?

One way around the money issue may be to ask his new employer (when he gets a new job), to write checks instead of a direct deposit situation. He can open up a bank account without his parents knowing, and deposit his checks in that account. Of course they'll likely wonder why he's working and not getting paid.

I hate telling anyone to lie, but it sounds like he's going to have to if he wants to save up so he can get out.

I wish you both the best of luck. You're going to need it. Hopefully times get better soon.

ktlay12 · Jun 26, 2012, 03:27 PM

I still have about a year and a half to two years left before I get my degree. I don't think he can afford to wait that long. I guess we'll just have to play it by ear until he does get that job. When he does break it to them that he has gotten a new job and bank account she will likely kick him out immediately, which is why he is looking for a high paying job so that he will be able to more quickly and easily afford to put a down payment on a car and apartment. It's certainly going to be very hard on him, but he has to secure a future for himself somehow and I guess you're right, there's no easy way to do that at this point. lol. I'm not a parent yet, but I cannot fathom how a mother could put her own child in this situation and convince herself that it's ok! lol

Wondergirl · Jun 26, 2012, 03:40 PM

Does he have the courage to confront his mother?

Alty · Jun 26, 2012, 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ktlay12

I still have about a year and a half to two years left before I get my degree. I don't think he can afford to wait that long. I guess we'll just have to play it by ear until he does get that job. When he does break it to them that he has gotten a new job and bank account she will likely kick him out immediately, which is why he is looking for a high paying job so that he will be able to more quickly and easily afford to put a down payment on a car and apartment. It's certainly going to be very hard on him, but he has to secure a future for himself somehow and I guess you're right, there's no easy way to do that at this point. lol. I'm not a parent yet, but I cannot fathom how a mother could put her own child in this situation and convince herself that it's ok! lol

Does he have any friends he can stay with? That is another option, since he's likely to get kicked out as soon as he gets his first paycheck from the new job.

It would be short term, and I wouldn't suggest that he do it until he has a job secured, but it would be a solution to all of this, for a while at least.

ktlay12 · Jun 26, 2012, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Does he have the courage to confront his mother?

He has confronted her in the past, but she's just one of those people who refuses to listen to reason. And if you try to tell her anything contrary to what she believes then...it gets ugly. Not only for him but for his younger siblings who he has practically raised. She has already told him that when she feels he is ready then she will allow him to start saving up...but it's been 5 years and it hasn't happened yet. lol. She just finds reasons to keep stalling because she doesn't want him to have any independence

Controling parents trying to ruin our relationship.

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