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Controling parents trying to ruin our relationship.
Asked Jun 25, 2012, 06:31 PM
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20 Answers My boyfriend and I have been together for some time now (I'm 19 and he's 21). We have a wonderful relationship; never had any fights or even any major disagreements. The only really source of stress in our relationship stems from my boyfriends parents (mostly his mother). My bf still lives at home, not by choice, but because his parents (who are both preachers) have made it virtually impossible for him to venture out on his own. He has operated his own very successful local business since he was 16, but they take every last penny he earns. They say they are helping him by protecting him from the world. But he is not even allowed to have a savings account, he cannot even save up enough to buy himself a vehicle of his own. To top that off, they say that we are not allowed to go on a date until after we are married (I know right!) We are not even allowed to be in the same room alone together for more than a couple minutes. All this is mostly his mother's doing; his stepfather doesn't agree with most of it but he can't say or do much without it turning into a huge fight between him and her. Now it has gotten to the point where we are only allowed to talk or text for a couple hours a day, certain days a week, and possibly see each other once a week if we're supervised. She takes his phone from him so that he cannot communicate with me. He pays for his cell phone bill, as well as theirs and all of his siblings'. The thing is that although my bf and I don't agree at all with their RADICAL beliefs, we decided to obey all their rules and be as respectful as possible. He only puts up with it out of respect for their wishes (even though he disagrees) and so things are not a living hell for him while he is forced to be there. But it doesn't matter what we do, how respectful we are, the rules and restrictions just keep piling up. Its as if we are not even in a relationship anymore! I am wondering what you're opinion is on this situation and if you have any advice on how we could make things more reasonable for us while he is there. He is currently working on finding a new job far away and a vehicle so h can move out as soon as possible ( but it could take a while) |
20 Answers
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There are a couple friends that he could stay with; he doesn't want to drag them into this except as a last resort, but it's an option that we have talked about. Honestly though, she has sheltered him so much his entie life that he has very few close friends. Because she makes it so hard for him to talk or associate with people other than those whom she has approved of, and those people aren't willing to go against her. He has essentially been deprived of having a life of his own in every respect. Sad, because he is a very outgoing and charismatic person by nature. | ||||
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| I'm so sorry for his situation. It's good that he has someone that cares about him as much as you do. He'll figure it out. It won't be easy, and he will have to stand up to his mother, but he has to cut the apron strings, get out of that house, and live his own life. Keep your chin up. Hopefully things will go well. He'll get a job, and realize that his parents are controlling and he needs to get out from underneath their control. You can only be supportive, and hope that he realizes that the situation he's in right now, is toxic. I agree with you about his parents. I am a parent, to two wonderful kids, one only 5 years younger than you. I would never ever do that to my children. My hope for them is that they become independent, and that they make it in the world without relying on me. I will always support them, no matter what they do, but I will also support their independence, and do everything to ensure that they can be who they're meant to be, on their own. Your bf's parents are abusive, in my opinion. I only hope that your bf can get out, and make a life for himself, independent of those control freaks. | ||||
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| Thank you. I think he does realize it, but he'll realize more after he gets out from there and gets to see how much more life has to offer, just how wrong what she is doing really is. Unfortunately she is doing the exact same thing to his younger brothers and sisters. He and I hope that him breaking the cycle will encourage them to do the same when they are older, so they don't have to go through what he has. Thanks for the encouragement | ||||
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| Ktlay, any chance of him coming on this site? Talking about this? I think that reading what's been written will help him. Not only for him to move on, but for him to realize that what he's dealing with, is abuse, and not the norm. That he owes his parents nothing, and that he has the right to live his own life. I'd really like to talk to him about this. Maybe that would help him realize that he's not wrong, that his parents are the ones that are in the wrong here. | ||||
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Fingers crossed.  | ||||
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| And i thought i had patience. If my mom was that controlling, i would probably tell her straight. Mom i love this girl, leave us alone.And if that doesn't work and she is still controlling, you're probably just screwed. Sorry | ||||
| JudyKayTee (Jul 7, 2012 05:28 PM):
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Here's a thought - take your own advice and let us know how it works out after you tell your mother "straight." Sounds in your other thread like you don't have FB, a phone or the ability to date and/or contact your girlfriend. Maybe you shouldn't be giving advice to someone else. http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/m...ml#post3185485 | ||||
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