Confronting my boyfriend about lying about porn?

Do nothing until your emotional dust has settled, and you are calm and reasonable and then ask him why he lied about not watching porn any more.

He lied because he wanted to stay in a relationship, and watch his porn.

He is only lying since it is obvious that you really gave him no choice, You did not tell him just to watch it when you were not around, you did not tell him to put it away so you don't see he was watching it.

You tried to tell him to stop doing something he has been doing for a while and whats to do.

so you go tell him you are sorry, that you were wrong in trying to make him stop, that it is his right to watch it, if HE wants to. Tell him that you don't like it, but will not try to order him not to watch it.

He did not want to fight about it, was certain, there was no talking to you about it, so he told you what you wanted to hear.

Sorry to actually discuss it, you have to be open to allow him to do it, under some guidelines,
Disccussion does not happen when you have given him no choice but to stop.

You have no right what to ever trying to change him, make him stop doing things that are not hurting anyone just because you don't like it, you were aware he watches, and need to get used to it.

Perhaps counseling to understand neither of you are suppose to be changing the other, just learning to accept them.

Next you don't want to hear it, but porn is not about you, it is just what he wants to watch. guess what he masterbates to most likely, if not to the porn, in the bath room in the morning and so on. He is a man, men do that.

This is why he lied:
"My BF likes porn. I don't. I feel like I'm being cheated on when he watches it especially when I'm not around."

It was simply better than telling you. If it hadn't been a big deal, then there would have been no reason for him to lie to you.

"Confrontation"?????

Fr_Chuck is correct. You have pushed your boyfriend into a corner; he has no choice but to lie to you. Confronting him about porn will guarantee he will lie to you.

Here's what one new site member told us:

"Porn is the just the vehicle that gets a guy where he's trying to go. For a guy, doing it with just your imagination is like going from Detroit to Chicago on horseback. With porn, it's like having your own private jet. It's fast and easy.

But again, it's not that porn is what's important... IT'S GETTING TO CHICAGO.

For most guys, we've been going to Chicago one to three times a day since like fourth grade."

Long term relationships survive because the individuals in it use communication and learn to compromise. Communicating and compromising on subjects that you are not very emotionally invested in is easy. Who really deep down cares how the toilet paper is placed on the holder?

It is much harder to shut your mouth and open you ears and mind to listen to another person's view points on extremely emotional subjects such as 'porn'. However, it is a skill that couples need to learn and practice.

You have told him in no uncertain terms what you think and how you feel. He tried to appease you by saying he wouldn't watch any more. (For all you know he has kept that promise and the dvd was moved for a purely innocent reason such as a hiding place where you normally wouldn't look.) He should not have made that promise. He should have sat down with you and let you know that what he does when he is by himself in his own home is his business. A compromise might be him agreeing not to flaunt his use of porn and/or masturbation in your face.

I want you to think about this: You have told your boyfriend you don't trust him to remain faithful and that you feel like he has already cheated on you by viewing porn. How would you feel if he accused you of being unfaithful because you watched a show/movie or read a book he didn't approve of?

One thing that leaps out at me is the phrase 'my relationship'. Isn't it his relationship, too? IF you consider your opinions and feelings to be of higher value than his, then perhaps you need a different boyfriend who doesn't mind being less than an equal partner when decisions are made.

1. Ok I kind of understand where everyone is coming from. During our conversation when I calmly explained to him that I don't like the fact that he watches porn, I did not necessarily order him not to watch it anymore. (we had the same conversation about strip clubs (he doesn't go to strip clubs btw), I simply told him "i understand that you like porn, but it makes me feel low and unappreciated when you do. so just tell me if your are going to continue watching it so that I can figure out what I will do." I guess that could be viewed as an ultimatum, but I don't want to be in a relationship like that and I told him so, and still he promises me he wouldn't do it, and does it anyway. That hurts the most. I feel that I gave him a mature explanation, and i didn't get the same respect in return.

2. When I said "my relationship", I was using it in the context that my relationship with my bf apart from other people's relationships. Just describing what I want out of MY (bf AND me) relationship. If that makes sense.
I am a very understanding person, and I try and look at all different sides of things instead of blowing up about something.
Hell we even went to couples counceling for a while and I read a book strictly about men (learned alot actually). I really want this relationship to work. But I am a little doubtful considering the situation.

3. The position the dvd's were in was not an innocent accident of just being bumped around. I'm not going to describe what the cabinet looked like, but I pay very close attention to detail, and I know for a fact that one if not a couple had been taken out specifically.

"so you could figure out what you were going to do" what do you think that means, it means you said
** If you don't stop doing it, I am going to leave you** Of course he just lied and figured he would be smart enough to hide it from you, or that he could just fight about it another day when you found out again.

Again, so leave him, honestly he has a right to do something he likes, if it is that big of deal, leave him and perhaps become a nun, since I don't know of any guy who does not watch it once in a while. You have really unrealistic goals. So you don't have to watch it, but you can't make him stop it at least in private if he wants to.

You do understand, don't you, that you own the problem; he doesn't.
Then you need to move on to find someone who doesn't mind being pushed into a corner.
He'd promise you the moon if he thought that would keep you off his case and calm you down. Can't you see he loves you?
Looks like a demand, even an ultimatum to me. There was certainly no communication and compromise (reread Cat's response).
You could have fooled me.
Was there discussion about the porn? If not, why not? You stopped going to counseling?
Do you check his cell phone and pin him to the wall about his comings and goings?

I agree, this was not a open communication, that poor guy had no choice, either throw his porn out, or lie. Her idea of compromise was do it my way or I am out of here.

What if for example, he told you, it bothers me that you walk besides me, my culture is always the women has to walk three steps behind the man. So I understand your feelings, but from now on, you have to walk three steps behind me,anytime we go out in public, if you don't I will have to just leave you. ??