Originally Posted by liz28
Like Survivor, I am confuse to because are you saying it is okay for her to strip when the two of you need money? If so aren't you contradicting yourself.
Also, if the two of you aren't getting married what is all of this about commitment? The two of you are even serious or no and if the two of you are living together wouldn't you say the two of you are serious.
You met her while she was stripping and accept it so all this about her stopping only if you commit to her is game and an excuse to continue stripping. You can't make her stop what she is doing she has to want to stop and you can tell her nor be okay with her stripping when the two of you are strap for money. I guess you like the fast money then.
First I would like to thank everyone for their comments and general good attitude. It is wholly appreciated. Secondly, sorry for the confusion. And sorry this is so long. I don't expect many to read it all.....but it would be helpful if someone did. So far the feedback has been useful.
Inside I'm just screaming that I'm done with this...I've swallowed my pain for too long. I'm simply not built for this. Everyone has their weaknesses and flaws.....this is one of mine. Hell, with my ex-wife I didn't even want her to see a male OB/GYN. I understand that's wholly unhealthy and I do have a counselor. But it gives you an idea of the level of discomfort I have in a normal relationship. In some ways I've seen dating this girl as a way to grow and learn what is important. Not that people see her breasts, but the intimacy and connection we have together. I've matured in that way, but now I'm just at my rope's end with it. She could quit today and I would have plenty of 'challenge' ahead of me to simply get OVER the fact that she was a dancer for ten years. Or was promiscuous for a few years in her early 20s. I'm already trying so hard to grow as a person without dealing with it immediately.
I have an 8-5 office job. We maintain separate residences (and rents) but basically live together 6-7 nights a week. If there are no 'one-off' costs, my salary can cover all of our expenses, though it leaves little in the way of money for savings, vacations, etc.
It is when there is an event such as needing a down payment for a new car, the AC needed to be repaired, that we need an extra 500+ a month.
I'm not 'okay' for her to go to work even when we need the money. But she's asked me to let her try to feel like she is contributing financially, when we need the money - she has been an independent woman for a long time and wants to provide value and not merely taken care of. I've told her at times I have thought about getting a second job for a few months (I've got my own debt I'm trying to pay down too), and she is worried that will burn me out, would feel bad that I'm basically working a 2nd job so she never has to go to work.
Of course in my mind, I would rather work an extra 30 hours than have the stress of her going in to work. She thinks it would kill our relationship if I work too much, and doesn't see the extent of the damage it cause for her to be in 'work' mode. Some weeks she doesn't go to work....but for 3 days she had 'planned' to go to work. And emotionally I've got to 'prepare' all day long to try to get on board with it, plan out how I'm going to keep myself busy at night, etc. Then she simply doesn't go and I'm exhausted. If she had a different job I'd be mad that she wasn't helping out with money more, but we can't even have an honest conversation about it because if I tell her I would like her to help out more, it only means she works more, which is more stress for me than even letting my bank account get to pennies before the next payday.
So far I've understood her logic, she's asked me to trust her, and I've done the best I can. It goes up and down. She just wants me to 'suck it up' and let her make a few thousand dollars.
There are times she goes to work, I meet her there at midnight, make her some company when it's slow, and have a good time while she usually sits with someone else and does a couple of dances. This worked for a few months. It built my trust in her to see her dancing, and that while I didn't like it, I felt like she did the very best she could to be professional. Sometimes guys grab and it takes a few seconds to gracefully push them off - you can't be a just because some other whores in the club made him think it was ok to do that - you'll never get paid. Is it easy to sit back and imagine some guy grabbing her, against her will, until she sets him straight? She protects herself the best she can, she's extremely aware and cerebral about it. I respect those things. She makes it about work - she gives her email to customers because if it were up to her, she'd have 3 regular customers and meet them when they email her and that is it.
If it were up to her, she would go to work often enough to 'latch' on to those 3 customers. When one stops coming, you go get another one. No bull. No college guys or pervs looking to get as much as possible. Not fraternizing outside the club. She has 3-4 glasses of wine at work, maybe a shot some nights, but does no other drugs while at work (she loves the weed on the weekends).
I did accept it when I met her. And trust me, I was more than amazed when I realized she honestly did like me. That was some source of trust issues...because I know what she let me do when I was paying her...and she says that she just fell for me, totally threw away her professionalism for me. And as far as I can tell, she is being honest about that.
There was one night a year ago when there was pressure to make money, she felt 'worthless' because she was being taken care of, she drank too much that night, and let a guy grab her too much. She knew I was at the club, knew if I happened to walk around the corner I could see. I don't think it was conscious and she tried to explain the disconnect, etc. So she lost control and was very pissed at herself. It hurt our trust a lot. That was 9 months ago. We've been rebuilding it ever since. She's had to yell at me that she's not a whore and that I need to trust her.
The problem is in the last month my comfort level at even the most basic things that I've lived with off and of for a year as disappeared. Now I seem to get jealous when she is simply sitting on a guys lap. There are some trust issues, but this part is simply about acceptance. In the past I've respected all she's done to make an effort to make me trust her....to the point of even dancing on stage and keeping her top on unless someone comes to tip her.
We got into an enormous fight the other night. I showed up at the club at 1:40. Basically to try and continue building my trust, and if I go up there I don't feel like I'm sitting at home waiting all night - a vulnerability that drives me insane. But it is so late I'm obviously not spying on her, and not de-focusing her from making money. She was angry that I came up, that I couldn't give her one night without me there. And I was very angry back, just all of this built up anger and pain I've been swallowing for a year.
I 'accepted' her as a stripper when I met her. I accepted that this would probably be a short lived fling because I could never survive in a relationship with her, and assumed a lot of things about her and her lifestyle because she was a stripper. I got to know her, got to see how she's attempted to make that a job (though I'm sure there was plenty of wildness and 'losing control' nights when she was in her early 20s even if there aren't now), and I ended up in very deep emotionally.
I've read other forums and I understand it when people say, 'you need to trust her. You need to get over it, etc.' That's often correct and good advice. Of course they rarely help with 'how' to do that. Of course men WANT to trust, WANT to be at peace....but it's not like flipping a switch.
I've never given her an ultimatum. But what it does inside of me, the distance it creates between us.....it turns into a relationship that she doesn't want either as our 'connection' starts going away. Issues about whether she wants children or not start becoming HUGE issues. When I've been madly in love, I've been willing to accept that this is the most important thing in my life, and willing to sacrifice some of my dreams to have this kind of relationship. But when we don't share that.....what I'm missing out on by being with her starts to seem to matter more.
If she doesn't quit, or I can't make a major change, then it's over either way.