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ladybug17 · Oct 11, 2008, 12:54 AM

Hi, I'm 17, and I've been dating the same boy for almost four years now. Out of nowhere he's become very whiny, clingy and needy. I give him all the love and encouragent that I can! I try to take him out and make him happy but it only works for a few miutes, and I mean, only a few minutes! And then he cries, or he says he's not good enough, that he's not what I want, etc. and, I reasure him all day and every day that that's not true, but I'm starting to feel emotionally drained! I don't have enough money to take him out everywhere, and even though I write him love letters and poems telling him how great and wonderful he is, it doesn't make a difference... what am I doing wrong?
P.S.

I am feeling drained and like, I wan out, but at the same time, I want to be with him. I'm so lost.

starbuck8 · Oct 11, 2008, 01:22 AM

So you've been with this boy since you were 13 or so? Have you always treated him like he needs to be taken care of? Why are you wasting your teenage yrs to do this? Exactly WHY do you feel the need to take him places and be his enabler? Why does he need YOU to pay for things? There is something very wrong with this scenario!

He's starting to grow up, and he needs to learn responsibility. He is not your child! He needs to learn to be a man, since he is soon to become one!

You need to set the rules straight, and just tell him that this relationship is not working for you, and you need HIM to stop being so whiny, and tend to your needs, without you having to tell him!

Has he possibly done something that you don't know about, and he is feeling guilty? If he keeps on saying that he isn't good enough for you, it's either a result of guilt, or he needs some professional help to be able to feel good about himself. If he doesn't have that self esteem, then you are going to have a very rocky road ahead of you, and one or both of you will almost certainly be hurt!

Stroking his ego for him is not going to help him or you at all! Oh, and by the way, I don't think it's him or you that is doing something wrong. It takes TWO!. so you both are!

Good luck! :)

talaniman · Oct 11, 2008, 05:37 AM

Maybe its time you both went your own ways, and grow on your own, as your way to attached, to be healthy.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 11, 2008, 06:10 AM

This is not a healthy relationship.
How old is the boy, why is he not paying for things,

I would agree, time for at least a short break

liz28 · Oct 11, 2008, 07:28 AM

I agree that you're too young to be going through this. Your boyfriend have insecurities that he needs to work on. Never what you say or do, it won't get through to him. I don't know what is happening or has happen in his household or childhood but you need remove yourself from this situation before it takes a toll on your mental. Leave and spend your money on yourself.

h0llister · Oct 11, 2008, 07:45 AM

I always had to pay for things with my ex, but it was because I was working full time and he was in school, but his parent used to take me on vacation with them and one time we stayed at a 4 DIAMOND hotel!! But anyway its not about the money, unless if he's like hunny can you buy me this or that.

starbuck8 · Oct 11, 2008, 09:30 AM

Ladybug, I would like to add to what I wrote above. When someone tells you something over and over again, in this case, that he is not good enough for you, listen to him and believe him! He knows himself better than you do, and he is trying to tell you that he isn't, and all of the love in the world probably won't change that.

Whiny and clingy can turn very quickly into jealousy and control. At any rate, I would end this relationship, and if down the line at some point he gets his act together, well then weigh your options then.

ZoeMarie · Oct 11, 2008, 09:37 AM

Originally Posted by starbuck8

or he needs some professional help to be able to feel good about himself. If he doesn't have that self esteem, then you are going to have a very rocky road ahead of you, and one or both of you will almost certainly be hurt!

I had to spread more rep before I could agree. Anyway, that was my first thought when reading this post. It sounds like the boy needs some help, and until he gets it I don't think he should be in a relationship.

JBeaucaire · Oct 11, 2008, 10:49 AM

You need to start agreeing with him. When he gets whiny and clingy and says, "I'm not good enough for you", tell him he may be right and take him home.

As you drop him off, tell him, "Clingy-needy-insecure-guy isn't good enough for me. Call me when you're ready to have some backbone and think of someone besides yourself. I'm tired of it."

You love him. Fine. Love him enough to make him accountable for his own sense of security. If he's not comfortable in his own body, NOTHING you do will matter, except maybe leaving him to work it out. Having you around to "try and make it better" may actually be hurting his chances of getting out of this mindset anytime soon.

Let him be him, and if that means he's right and you two can't stay together, well... at least that's honest. Give him honest.

chuff · Oct 11, 2008, 11:30 AM

I actually disagree with everybody here. You stated you've gone out for 4 years but this behavior just started recently. If this behavior just came out of nowhere then something has happened in his life recently that brought this on. Has he gone through some tough times or a tragic event? To me it almost sounds like a cry for help for something else.

That being said, I think you need to sit him down and tell him that his behavior has changed and this is not the person you came to know. Then flat out ask him why he's feeling needy recently when it never was a big deal before? I'd then tell him what you said in the OP and that you don't want to lose him but at the same time he is not the same person he was before, and while your fine with that now you'd like to find out what caused the change and if he's taking any steps to get his old confidence back.

talaniman · Oct 11, 2008, 11:34 AM

Out of nowhere he's become very whiny, clingy and needy.

Has he gone through some tough times or a tragic event?

Good question Chuffster.

starbuck8 · Oct 11, 2008, 01:16 PM

Originally Posted by chuff

I actually disagree with everybody here. You stated you've gone out for 4 years but this behavior just started recently. If this behavior just came out of nowhere then something has happened in his life recently that brought this on. Has he gone through some tough times or a tragic event? To me it almost sounds like a cry for help for something else.

That being said, I think you need to sit him down and tell him that his behavior has changed and this is not the person you came to know. Then flat out ask him why he's feeling needy recently when it never was a big deal before? I'd then tell him what you said in the OP and that you don't want to lose him but at the same time he is not the same person he was before, and while your fine with that now you'd like to find out what caused the change and if he's taking any steps to get his old confidence back.

I don't totally disagree Chuffster, but there were certain things that really stood out to me. Having a "relationship" starting at 12 or 13 is one... I mean what kind of relationship can you really have at that age. An hr here and there? Maybe they just never knew each well until lately. Maybe he has always been this way, and she mistook his neediness for love.

Why she feels like she needs to "take him out" and pay for things, and he allows her to, is two. Could it be he is taking advantage because he knows she will do these things for him?

I really wonder if this was an out of the blue behaviour, or it just became more obvious the older they got, for 3. You know teenage love, especially when it starts at such a young age. Maybe he never had the confidence to begin with? She never said how he was before.

You're right, nothing really just changes overnight, unless there has been a traumatic experience, maybe guilt for something he's done, or perhaps he was this way all along, and it just became apparent to her.

I agree that they need to sit down and talk, but if it isn't anything traumatic that has happened to him, then they need to take a break for awhile and think about things. ;)

ladybug17 · Oct 11, 2008, 10:35 PM

We sat down about a day ago and we were talking about everything, I asked him if something happened to him to make him feel this way? He told me that he and his mom had a fight, and she called him spineless and weak, and his brother always says he's a loser and that he's ugly and disgusting looking! He said that he doesn't nessecarily* like me to buy things for him or take him out, it's just that he wants to get out, and I took it the wrong way. I thought he meant, take him out to places but really, we ended up having more fun just driving around and going to the park to hang out on the swings. :D
After we talked about everything, things have been better for both of us. I've started listening better, and he knows that he's a good hearted young guy. :D And we wove each other! Oh, and by the way, we've been going out since I was 14, and I'm almost in two months. Woot woot!

Thanks for taking the time to read my post, and for all the advice!

Ladybug17!

rodie151 · Oct 12, 2008, 06:24 AM

For you to decide really, you know how you feel about the situation. Maybe talk to him and tell him how you feel, if that doesn't work? Maybe a little break from each other will help.

Here's some tips
Relationships, Get Them Right And You Can’t Go Wrong

starbuck8 · Oct 12, 2008, 10:27 AM

Originally Posted by rodie151

For you to decide really, you know how you feel about the situation. Maybe talk to him and tell him how you feel, if that doesn't work? Maybe a little break from each other will help.

here's some tips
Relationships, Get Them Right And You Can't Go Wrong

I'm just wondering, are you only here to promote your website? There is plenty of relationship advice right here where she came to begin with. and if you would have read the question right above your reply, you would have noticed that she had talked to him about this.