I'm not ready to give up just yet. I know all these people are getting a lot of bloody walls from smacking their heads against it and don't know what else to say to you. I don't know what miraculous thing I can say that will make you feel any differently, but I can't leave here knowing I didn't try.
I'm trying to remember that you have a side in this, which is different from the rest of us looking on the outside, and I realize that your side is very important, because that's what you believe and feel at the moment.
I'm looking at statements like this:
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I don't want to make things worse, and I'm not strong enough to write him off completely. I can't make this decision unless i'm ready, and at this point -- I'm too caught up in it. I too badly want to be with him still. I can't help that.....
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I can feel for you. I know you can't help how you feel - we simply feel what we feel and it doesn't matter what other people tell us. And it's obvious you're not ready to face this.
But you know, the fact that you posted those words tells me that something inside you knows what you need to do. But you care about him too much, are probably in love with him (or think you are), are not ready to give him up... and because you don't want to give him up, you want to believe everything you are saying.
But you aren't saying anything any different than has come out of thousands of abused women's mouths a billion times. Somehow you think he's different than the typical abuser, or that you're different than the typical abused woman.
But neither of those are true. All of your words have been said by numerous abused women who have come before you, and they believed it too. They weren't ready either.
They also all believed that they deserved it. Most, if not all, abused women believe they deserve it. They have to, or they would put a stop to it by leaving before it gets out of hand. And they always believe the guy can change. There isn't anything special or different about anything you are saying.
Yup, it was wrong to cheat on him. You deserve for him to break up with you. You deserve for him to be angry. You deserve for him to yell at you. You deserve for him to be hurt and never want to see you again. You deserve for him to find it difficult to trust you.
However, you also made a mistake because you are a human being who is not perfect. We
absolutely do not deserve to be beaten for making mistakes! Even a bad mistake like cheating!
The cheating is irrelevant. Men aren't abusers because their woman is a cheater. Men are abusers because they are abusers. Just like child molesters don't molest some child because the child is standing around looking too cute and tempting. They're just child molesters cause they're sick. And abusive men are just abusive men. They don't need a reason, and you don't need to do anything to get abused. You only need to exist. As long as you exist, you will be abused.
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he warned me yesterday too - that's why I feel like I somewhat deserved it
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If he had warned you that he was going to murder you, do you think you deserved it just cause he warned you ahead of time? Listen to yourself.
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I've let him get away with all of it for a very long time
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Listen to that one too: you "let him get away with it...." That's why he continues to do it, and why he'll keep on doing it. But that little statement also says a lot. That statement "let him get away with it" is implying that you understand what he's doing isn't right.
I don't see much of it. But I'm seeing little statements from you here and there that you do actually realize that this is wrong, somewhere deep down inside you. You have to find that within yourself.
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He wouldn't kill me. He loves me.
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Yes, and there's some dead women out there who also believed this. It isn't about whether he loves you or not. Abusers can love people just like everyone else does. But it's a selfish love and isn't the right kind. He's still an abuser.
And it's an important note that he'll abuse
any woman he's with. Do those other women he'll abuse deserve it too? If you saw it happen to them, I don't believe you'd think they deserved it. I think you'd be able to see if from the outside like we do and know it was wrong. But that is why it isn't your fault and why you don't deserve it.
Because IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. He would abuse ME too! He would abuse ANY of the women on here. Do I deserve it? Do they deserve it? NO!! And you are no different from us, except for not being able to see past your feelings right now. And no, he's not getting better. He may be able to control himself for a while, but it's still there. It'll come out again. He may even control it for a couple of years, and then just when you aren't expecting it...
It's already been said a trillion times, but needs repeating. He's helped you believe that you deserve it somehow. I suspect you already had low self esteem, or you probably would never have been in this kind of relationship. So it's easy for someone else to cut you down and kick you (both literally and figuratively), and make your self esteem drop 10 notches. And that's what he's done to you.
But you don't have to let him. The problem is that none of us can help you find your self esteem, at least not in just this little time on a forum. That is going to take some time and work. And don't except it to be easy. Don't expect leaving him to be easy. And I do believe you that you aren't ready.
Which is why you need to contact someone to work with, so that they can help you to become ready. I suspect you're afraid to talk to someone, because you're afraid they'll lead you to leaving him. But I think the very fact that you posted says that you know all that, deep down inside you somewhere. You think you're posting about how to deal with the fact that you cheated on him. But you could have done that without mentioning that he was hitting you. I think you mentioned it on purpose.
Because something inside you knows. I hope you can find that part of yourself and bring it the surface.
I know this is terribly long, but one last note. I was having a sort of "relationship" with a person once who had not beat anyone that I'm aware, but he had this personality... let's just say I think he had the potential to become an abuser. ONE TIME he pushed me when he got ticked, which sent me flying into an office chair (this happened at work), which sent me sprawling to the floor with the chair on top of me. I didn't really get hurt except for a couple of bruises. And yeah, he scared the living daylights out of me so I just backed off and let him go cool off.
I also never spoke to him again, over that one "little" incidence. Why? Cause I already have more self esteem in my pinky than you have in your whole body. And I know that I didn't deserve him treating me like that. And he didn't even do that much... but it was a sign of where things could go and his lack of respect for me. He also had a lack of respect for himself, because that behavior was how he thought he needed to prove his manhood.
Somewhere you have to find for yourself that
you are worth every inch the same amount that I already know that I am worth. Faults and all.
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