I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I found out I was pregnant after three months, and miscarried. We ended up moving in together two weeks after the miscarriage happened. There have been a lot of instances where he has put his hands on me, and a few where he has caused quite a bit of damage. We got into a bad place, and we've both decided to step back to try to fix things. Financially - it wasn't best for us to keep our apartment, so I moved home, and he moved in with his sister. We continued to fight like crazy, and I found comfort in talking to a friend of mine that is in the army and in Iraq. When my friend came home on leave, I spent a lot of time with him, and we ended up sleeping together. The problem is - my boyfriend and I have been doing very good, and I'm very happy. My friend that I slept with - was jealous of my relationship with my boyfriend -- so he decided to send AIM conversations, pictures, and a video of me kissing him -- to my boyfriend. I denied sleeping with this guy, but my boyfriend wont speak to me. He cried all day long, and I feel terrible. But, now he's back to being angry. He put his hands on me today. It was the first time in months. This is one time where I understand why he did it. I'm not this kind of girl. I love my boyfriend. I feel terrible for what I did, and terrible for the way that I hurt him. This happened back at the beginning of September and it is now mid October -- Please tell me how I can make this right with him....
The best advice has been given.
What you are looking for is a reason to to stay in this abusive relationship.
This guy is an abuser and a controller. He has you believing you deserve the abuse, this way he can continue to do it when he deems it necessary and you will take it.
You need to leave him and stay gone and get some counseling so that you will realize that and abuser does no love, he controls and that you are not a person to be beaten when you don't behave in a way an abuser thinks you should.
Your esteem needs to be worked on. You are an adult, not a child. No man has the right to hit you no matter what you have done.
You are not in love with this creep, you just have such poor feelings about yourself. you think he is the best you can do. Both of these guys are users. You need to find out why you lean towards this type of man.
Advice: LEAVE and COUNSELING
I know I need help. I know that I do -- it's just that I'm not ready yet. I should be. I could say things that he has done in the past -- and it would just give you all the confirmation to everything you already assume has happened. I just want to work it out so bad... Can someone tell me how to work it out? Atleast for the time being.. even if we break up somewhere down the road because I come to terms with this ---- I'm not at that point yet..
I'm sorry, but I cannot nor will I tell you how to stay in an abusive relationship.
No matter what you do or say, it will not be acceptable to him because he wants to have power over you and the way to that power is through making you feel deserving of abuse.
This is a lose lose situation and you will be the only loser.
Get some counseling, this will help you know what you need to do and give you the strength to do it.
I know he's angry now -- So I'm not going to talk to him. He told me if he saw me now he wouldn't be able to control himself. So I'm not going... he warned me yesterday too - that's why I feel like I somewhat deserved it. Even though I should be looking at all of this -- Knowing that I am better than the situation -- knowing I'm better then being abused -------------- I want to know what I can do to gain forgivness. How to show that I am truely sorry. He says he doesn't think I feel any remorse, and I am beside myself - because, I know how truely sorry I am. Should I come 100% clean? I'm scared to... If abuse wasn't an issue within this ---- what advice would you give me?
So let me get this straight. He warned you to stay away because he knew he would BEAT you?
Well, isn't he considerate.
If you insist on being with guys that hurt you, you should at least empower yourself. Learn self-defense, or martial arts. That way, next time one of these guys go off on you, you can at least fight back.
You want advice on this mess, if abuse wasn't in the picture. Most of us can't see past the abuse, does that frustrate you?
Well, no one here wants to help you stay with an abusive person.
Why live with constant danger from someone who says he loves you?
i'm not about to give you advice on how to stay with this abusive jerk either. if you wanna give us an idea of where you are i'll help you google support groups and counselors. but no way am i giving you advice on staying with him.
I'm in the Chicago suburbs.. 30 minutes south of Chicago....... He's a pro boxer... it complicates things... What do I do now when he calls? Or comes by my work? I don't want to make things worse, and I'm not strong enough to write him off completely. I can't make this decision unless i'm ready, and at this point -- I'm too caught up in it. I too badly want to be with him still. I can't help that.....
don't answer your phone. if he comes by your work, tell him to leave. inform your manager's what's going on so they'll know to back you up. if there's security, talk to them so they know to watch out for him. have someone walk you to your car. if he keeps coming by or calling after you've told him to go away, get a restraining order. if he continues after you get one, call the police and enforce it. how does him being a pro boxer complicate things? to me, it just makes it that much more clear that he is dangerous. not only can he not control his rage, he's been trained to inflict pain. a truly deadly combination.
I'm not trying to be stupid with my responses... this is just very emotional for me. I understand what he has done is very wrong... I've let him get away with all of it for a very long time........ but, with this situation -- I really feel that it was me that messed up. Also, I think there is a posibility that I may be pregnant... I've talked about this a little bit with him -- but, I'm not sure yet. I'm late, but the first test I took was negative... but I didn't do it first thing in the morning like you're supposed to, so I'm waiting until Monday to test again......... If I am - I don't want to do this alone.. It gives me even MORE of a reason to want to work things out with him.. the right way.....
No one is going to give you advice on how to keep an abuser, there is NONE. We all have seen the tragic results of staying, and sadly so will you.
At least talk to someone that knows, such as a counselor, and let them teach you why its so hard to be ready to leave them. Oft times, its really to late then.
If you are pregnant, think of what your bringing your child into.
I'm not trying to be stupid with my responses... this is just very emotional for me. I understand what he has done is very wrong... I've let him get away with all of it for a very long time........ but, with this situation -- I really feel that it was me that messed up. Also, I think there is a possibility that I may be pregnant... I've talked about this a little bit with him -- but, I'm not sure yet. I'm late, but the first test I took was negative... but I didn't do it first thing in the morning like you're supposed to, so I'm waiting until Monday to test again......... If I am - I don't want to do this alone.. It gives me even MORE of a reason to want to work things out with him.. the right way.....
If you are pregnant the last thing you want to do is raise a child in an abusive situation.
Do you want your son or daughter growing up thinking this is normal? How do you know he won't be angry that you're pregnant and harm you and this possible unborn child?
You need to leave this guy, get a restraining order if he does not leave you alone.
If you are pregnant it no longer about you. You must protect this child and the only way to do that is to be away from him.
You did wrong by cheating but he had no right to abuse you before or after. What kind of man hits a woman, and his being a prize fighter, he has problems and he really has no business hitting a woman. You need to get away from him.
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