Over the last two weeks i have caught my GF in lies ...

I have asked her about a coworker that appeared on her myspace ... she acted funny and then said she didnt recognize the name or know who i was talking about

The we talked about a big weekend she had a month ago in a different city. She got so drunk with friends the night before that she didnt wake up/couldnt get up until 2 the next day. (She has told me about her past: she has had blackout sex with strangers a few times, so I think its understandalbe that i get uneasy when she does this out of town.)

So then she slipped up and said a guy was staying with her and her friend that weekend and that her friend who stayed with her that weekend has now broken up with her boyfriend. EVERY conversation we have had about that weekend she never once mentioned a guy or that her friend was shacking up with an ex. To me, this means shes hiding something.

Also, a few months before all of this, she got drunk at a bar with me and my friends and gave her nuber to a guy who was flirting with her. The next day she had no memory of it .. black out drunk yet again .. it was a kick to the balls to say the least.

And now that i have confronted her about her behavior, she tells me that she didnt want to worry me about that weekend out of town, and the guy on her myspace is a coworker she knows and works with ....

my question is why lie?

she has an excuse for everything. weve been dating for two years and live together. also, she seems to care about our relationship, but she makes it very clear she cares just as much about past relationships. to me, an ex is an ex. if its a longterm BF, i can understand that, but she hold on to guys (calls/emails) that she knew/had sex with for a month or two. she says that she cares that it botherers me, but says she wont do anything about it. *frustrating*

And now the lies. And Im thinking if i stumbled upon these lies, what else should i be concerned about? Im hating myself right now. I feel like such a fool. I know she has feelings for me, but i think we are two different people at htis point.

I wish i could find someone who wants, and deserves, my love ...

Romefalls19

I never said she definately did, I just said I would put money on that she has because of her behavior that the POSTER describe. People in committed relationships do not behave that way and I'm pretty sure the majority of the forum members will agree on the fact that she is exhibiting the signs of a cheater. Hiding who the guy was on myspace(FLAG), Lying about who she was with a few weekends ago(FLAG)...But hey, if you don't considering them flags, that's your belief my friend

Toluca_86

In your first post you were more or less "assuming" that she lied about having cheated on him (you don't bet on something unless you're pretty confident it's true -well, unless you don't like money I guess). Pretty simple, from what I can tell.

And who, praytell, gets to decide what does and does not qualify as "sleeping around"? This is a country with a lot of diverse practices, and I refuse to get in some kind of puritanical moral debate with you.

When sex is bad is A) when it's not done safely (with protection, etc.), and B) if it leaves a person feeling worse about life in general, or when they are hurting someone such as a partner who has been promised monogamy. "Sleeping around" is not inherently destructive, and I am not at all a moron (well, at least according to our national academic standards). There are people who engage in behaviors you might call "sleeping around" and do it with respect for themself and others and who feel perfectly fine about themself and life in general afterwards. It's totally on an individual basis, and you can't make such generalized statements.

And I agree there's something to the lying about these guys she's friends with. But why, I wonder, was IKnows asking her about them, and although he doesn't think he's a jealous bf, is it possible she perceives things a little differently? All I'm saying is that you have to look at things on an individual basis... and I provided several possible explanations above that didn't have to involve "she's cheating"

jolienoire

I think you know what you should do, Her past she needs to get help own her own and can't use it to justify her behavior with every thing she does, If she is refusing to seek help how can she then turn around and use it as an excuse for her behavior, Sure their are women who are raped and behave in such ways as she does, but she needs to seek professional help and realize that this was a terrible thing, but its time to move on with one's life in THE RIGHT direction.




Since when is she really concerned about your emotions?? She didn't want to put pressure on you but unfortanetely she is still holding on to the ex's... Sounds to me that you need to pause, STOP trying to help someone that doesn't want to be helped, and help yourself, And you can't continue to use her past to allow her to treat you the way she does. I know you want to be there for her, but don't allow her to bring you down in the process. If she doesn't want your help or HELP period there is no more you can do.. You can still love her from a distance

Toluca_86

"Her past she needs to get help own her own and can't use it to justify her behavior with every thing she does,"

I don't think /she's/ using it to justify her behavior. I think /he's/ speculating that it might affect her behavior. (that was the impression I got from his posts)

jolienoire

Okay lets forget she was raped and exclude this out and go solely on her behavior.. My point is that he can't change her, and had he not known about her past he would probably not accept this behavior. My point is that its unfortanate that this happened, and she may perhaps be doing these things subconsciously.. But the reality is that he shouldn't be sticking around because he feels bad for her past, This is a very touchy subject, and everyone pyschologically is affected differently. However, if she mentioned it to him she wants him to know, but then she refuses to get help, and continue to act the way she does, Understand there is nothing he CAN DO he can either stick around and complain about it, Leave and be quiet about it, or just accept the way things are, and not try to change her. The end

talaniman

She does, what she does, and either accept her for what she is, or move your life to another level. After two years, she hasn't changed, or has even been willing, take that as a fact, and deal with it, and stop trying to make her be someone she doesn't want to be. No shame in breaking up, just because your not a good fit. But its a shame to stay, and HOPE, she changes. Love yourself, enough to realize, its her right to do as she pleases, and your right to make yourself happy. She ain't the one to make you happy. You can end all this confusion, and speculation, just by MAKING A DECISION, AND STICKING TO IT. Just me I'm long gone.

Homegirl 50

He is enabling her in that he allows her to continue in behavior destructive to the relationship and continues to make excuses for her sticks with her puts up with it. It is saying to her, "it's OK to do this and treat me this way". Enabling is not controlling, but allowing a person to continue in their behavior even though you don't like it or think it's dangerous. It's like a person who makes excuses for an alcoholic, provides them with what they need knowing their behavior is destructive.

InSearchOfAnswers

She doesnt justify her behavior due to rape ... she - imo - cant see how the rape has affected her thinking at all.

one thing is for sure: she taking me for granted. i told her in an email this moring that i do everything for her and expect just a little grattitude in exchange. from my point of view she does the bare minimum to keep this relationship going.

shes still out of town, but when she returns, im going to put an end to it. i havent fully decided if im going to break our lease and move out (she lives here, and with her $ situation, she cant afford an apt).

and that ^^ only complicates things since i know she will resent me for putting the rent burden on her shoulders.

fwiw, there is a lot of love in this relationship even though i have ranted about the problems. however it is obvious that her career is whats most important to her now.

Toluca_86

You could... live with her until the lease is up. I know it's never fun living with an ex, but I know a number of couples who've done this due to financial reasons.

Does your lease allow for subletting though?

bizygurl

InSearchOfAnswers, I think its normal to talk about one anothers past. Past relationships, past expierences but I think there comes to a certain point, especially sexual experiences when ya really don't want to hear the for the millionth time how they banged 2 guys (or girls) in one night, how good it was. I dont' blame you. My fiancee has had a lenghty past of that stuff, and although In the beginning I didn't mind as much to hear about it cus i was curious, I don't really want to hear about it much anymore. Especially when he brings it up and I dont ask him to. I dont have a past like he does. Iv only been with 2 men my whole life so in my case I cant compare to his. Its normal to feel that way. If it doesn't bother her then fine. That could depend on if you talk about your past often, if you don't then she may not care as much. If it bothers you as much as you say it does then she should probably chill out with it even if a little.

I know you said she was raped, but that, I would think would make her think about doing what shes been doing. Meaning, if she's putting herself in an environment or situations that something like that could happen again then why? And wether people think she's a "slut" or not, If shes exuding "i screw like a man" vibe and projecting that behavior while shes out, men are going to think thats who she is, regardless if shes sweet and vulnerable with you. I think her behavior just sounds like its causing a lack of trust, and although im sure shes a great person she may not be gf material if thats what your looking for.