Over the last two weeks i have caught my GF in lies ...

I have asked her about a coworker that appeared on her myspace ... she acted funny and then said she didnt recognize the name or know who i was talking about

The we talked about a big weekend she had a month ago in a different city. She got so drunk with friends the night before that she didnt wake up/couldnt get up until 2 the next day. (She has told me about her past: she has had blackout sex with strangers a few times, so I think its understandalbe that i get uneasy when she does this out of town.)

So then she slipped up and said a guy was staying with her and her friend that weekend and that her friend who stayed with her that weekend has now broken up with her boyfriend. EVERY conversation we have had about that weekend she never once mentioned a guy or that her friend was shacking up with an ex. To me, this means shes hiding something.

Also, a few months before all of this, she got drunk at a bar with me and my friends and gave her nuber to a guy who was flirting with her. The next day she had no memory of it .. black out drunk yet again .. it was a kick to the balls to say the least.

And now that i have confronted her about her behavior, she tells me that she didnt want to worry me about that weekend out of town, and the guy on her myspace is a coworker she knows and works with ....

my question is why lie?

she has an excuse for everything. weve been dating for two years and live together. also, she seems to care about our relationship, but she makes it very clear she cares just as much about past relationships. to me, an ex is an ex. if its a longterm BF, i can understand that, but she hold on to guys (calls/emails) that she knew/had sex with for a month or two. she says that she cares that it botherers me, but says she wont do anything about it. *frustrating*

And now the lies. And Im thinking if i stumbled upon these lies, what else should i be concerned about? Im hating myself right now. I feel like such a fool. I know she has feelings for me, but i think we are two different people at htis point.

I wish i could find someone who wants, and deserves, my love ...

PsYcHoSiS

Hope it all works out for you, i would like to say something regarding the topic but i feel i'll say something that i may regret in the near future..

InSearchOfAnswers

Thats where it gets confusing. She told me about her past relationships and i can tell shes not one to 'backslide' into them again. she sees every fling/relationship/encounter as this freeze-frame in time and she 'treasures' each snapshot. My words, not hers, but thats the gist. She used to poenly contact/reply to old lovers in front of me, so when i let her know that bothered me, she was dumb-struck. "Why?" was the usual dumbfounded response. Its like she needs it on an emotional level and sees the conncetion not as a sexual one, even if the relationship was very shortlived and what i would call a meaningless fling. theres the confusion

a snapshot in time to keep forever but move on to other things. shes a self-proclaimed 'nomad' (my words) since she has a 'roots phobia' (her words) when it comes to settling down in one place/town for an extended time ... she attributes this to moving around so much as a kid. from my point of view it seems this has bled into her relationship domain as well




w/o a doubt. she has let down her guard a few times to reveal that shes scared to go back down that road and talk about that night. and rightfully so. thats why i started going to the counselor ahead of her: to understand, show support, and make us going a reality. she sidestepped that issue and now regrets it and appreciates my efforts ... we will see what comes of it all



i know what you mean. i told her more than a few times i could do the same, but what good would it do? im more respectful of her feelings than that. she just didnt get it then, but now she does (took her long enough!). Its not about her need/desire to tell me about some guy she hooked up with on a bachelorette party or whatever, its about my - the BFs - wishes to not be informed of such behavior. i should come first.

She has made the comment before that when she was in HS a teacher told her and another girl that they are 'treasures' and need to view themselves as such. And to expect a lucky guy to do the same. her response was 'pshhh! treasure?! im no treasue. haha thats absurd." in a sarcastic manner .... so her retelling of this story gave some some kind of a view into her thinking. maybe she told me those Ex stories as a way to brag? maybe she was trying to 'soil her image' in my eyes? maybe ... may be ... maybe ... ive tried to figure that one out countless times

Emland

These two statements struck me:

and

When I read this the first impression I get is that your GF has no inkling of the word respect. She has none for herself and none for anyone else. She apparently has no self-esteem, either.


To me the need for the emotional attachment is more upsetting than if she was just doing whatever guy came by. Are you saying that she gets more emotionally out of the previous relationships/flings than she does from the flesh and blood man she cohabitates with?



Do you honestly think she gets it? Could she be saying what you want to hear to get you to back off? That kind of behavior makes me think that she is acting out - to shock you and push you away.



Again that boils down to respect. She also appears to have no empathy which is another thing to be very careful about. Is she able to acknowledge other people's feelings or should they see everything her way?

Only thing I can offer to you is please, please, please don't think about marriage or more importantly children. You don't want to be in a position of having to explain to a 3 year old an 6 year old why Mommy went out for a gallon of milk and never returned.

Homegirl 50

As I have said before, she is who she is and is not likely going to change.
You need to ask yourself why you continue to be willing to put up with her.
Love is one thing and self preservation and respect is another. You need to get to the point where you say enough is enough. I don't mean to sound cruel, but stop whining and leave.

InSearchOfAnswers

Well ... i think you are right *sigh*

I know many on here will be happy to hear its over.

Its sad that it took this long for all of this to come out ... we drifted apart

She confessed to a lot of stuff and now has gone home to be with family and seek therapy. My world has been turned upside down.

The sad thing is once it was all over we talked. We talked for 7 hours on the phone going over why things bothered me, her boundary issues (or the fact she doesnt realize how to keep boundaries), her fear of abandonment and how that exacerbated my suspicious and insecurities ... but maybe i developed them for a reason.

EVERYTHING i have brought up on this forum was open for discussion - her rape, her childhood, my confusion with her old flings and lovers ... and much of it was resolved. It seems she was going to friends with our problems but she was too scared to come to me ... she felt my same frustration. She cried to friends in secret. Yet I had no clue. I didnt think she cared.


I never wanted to tell her shes "damaged" i just wanted for us to be a better couple. And now that we are over, she is going to really try to change. It sucks b/c now I feel we have just begun to see each in a clear light...

And FWIW, i told her i support her decison to head home and that i will be there for her... call me an idiot, but i still see the good in her. I wish we could have reached each other b/f it came to this

Toluca_86

"And FWIW, i told her i support her decison to head home and that i will be there for her... call me an idiot, but i still see the good in her. I wish we could have reached each other b/f it came to this"

I don't think you're an idiot.

You know I was one saying from the beginning that there were other possibilities besides "she doesn't care" That's one thing that drives me nuts about our culture -a lot of people believe that in a relationship there are only a few acceptable ways to act, and anything else means a person must be a player/tool/doesn't care etc. Lifes complicated, really. You gotta take situations and people on an individual basis...

But sounds to me like breaking up still was what you needed at the time...

TheBun

Well hmmm. It sounds first of all like she's a fun girl. Have you ever been drunk? I'm pretty sure that we're all guilty of drinking and having a good time. In the end, if your partner sees and talks with all temptations and still come home to YOU, then consider yourself lucky!!!! From a girls point of view, I can tell you this: When I go out, sometimes I know that I get a little too buzzed and let people get away with a little more flirting than they should. This doesn't mean anything physical, just simply accepting attention from people I know I shouldn't. At the end of they day, I feel guilty when I come home to my boyfriend. Why? What did I really do? Accept compliments? What do you boys do when you're out? Listen, being in a relationship hopefully makes us loyal, but not blind. If you act jealous about when you're girlfriend goes out, then you are going to make her feel like her normal behavior needs to be refined or limited. This is really quite impossible, so it is going to lead to awkward lies, even if the offense was nothing big. I used to feel guilty if I said hello and introduced myself to someone at a bar, even if I said that I had a boyfriend! Now, I realize that I'm allowed to have conversation and accept attention from other people, as long as I know who my love is. I have no temptation to do anythihg physical with other men, it just feels good to get attention sometimes. That's the truth about women - we are attention whores. If you limit us, we will lie - because one way or another, we're going to get it.

InSearchOfAnswers

thanks to you both ... black and white respneses such as "move on" or "get over it" irk me b/c things arent that easy, that simple ... so i appreciate both of you taking the time to respond and realize the situation is very complicated.

its ironic. after our talk, its like we have a better understanding of each other and are now closer ... cheating or no cheating

i actually have more hope now than i have had the last 6 months ... even though i know its a long shot at best

regardless, we will both be better people in the end

talaniman

You are way different types of people, with different outlooks, and issues. One thing for sure, if a couple cannot communicate enough to solve their differences, and work together, to build a happy healthy relationship, its a waste of time and energy. I think you have already held on to long.