Over the last two weeks i have caught my GF in lies ...

I have asked her about a coworker that appeared on her myspace ... she acted funny and then said she didnt recognize the name or know who i was talking about

The we talked about a big weekend she had a month ago in a different city. She got so drunk with friends the night before that she didnt wake up/couldnt get up until 2 the next day. (She has told me about her past: she has had blackout sex with strangers a few times, so I think its understandalbe that i get uneasy when she does this out of town.)

So then she slipped up and said a guy was staying with her and her friend that weekend and that her friend who stayed with her that weekend has now broken up with her boyfriend. EVERY conversation we have had about that weekend she never once mentioned a guy or that her friend was shacking up with an ex. To me, this means shes hiding something.

Also, a few months before all of this, she got drunk at a bar with me and my friends and gave her nuber to a guy who was flirting with her. The next day she had no memory of it .. black out drunk yet again .. it was a kick to the balls to say the least.

And now that i have confronted her about her behavior, she tells me that she didnt want to worry me about that weekend out of town, and the guy on her myspace is a coworker she knows and works with ....

my question is why lie?

she has an excuse for everything. weve been dating for two years and live together. also, she seems to care about our relationship, but she makes it very clear she cares just as much about past relationships. to me, an ex is an ex. if its a longterm BF, i can understand that, but she hold on to guys (calls/emails) that she knew/had sex with for a month or two. she says that she cares that it botherers me, but says she wont do anything about it. *frustrating*

And now the lies. And Im thinking if i stumbled upon these lies, what else should i be concerned about? Im hating myself right now. I feel like such a fool. I know she has feelings for me, but i think we are two different people at htis point.

I wish i could find someone who wants, and deserves, my love ...

Toluca_86

InSearchofAnswers,

I have sympathy for your girl here. I mean, I know people who have been raped, and it definitely has a big affect on people, and I commend you as a guy for being able to be sympathetic about it, b/c a lot of guys just don't know or don't care...

And I don't think you should necessarily assume she would cheat on you; I think you're probably spot-on in thinking she does this kind of thing to try and maintain some kind of power balance with you. She doesn't want you to think you have too much power over her (which may even mean that, really, you mean more to her than you know... or not)

I don't think you need to make her feel bad about herself for her choices -for wanting to remain friends with exes, or for wanting to tell you about her history, say. That's really a personal choice thing. I've dated guys who were much more open about that kind of stuff than I was, and ultimately I just decided that if I trusted the person, that kind of stuff (being best friends with an ex, etc.) shouldn't bother me. I mean, people are people and friends are friends, and in a society with fewer taboos surrounding sex, hopefully they wouldn't be any less so just b/c you've had sex with them...

But I also agree with the other posters that say that she may not meet your needs, and you have as much right to break up with her for that. In fact, you're probably not helping her if you're visibly unhappy a lot -martyrdom in a relationship is generally not practical or healthy. I wouldn't necessarily think your way is better, or that everything she does is just b/c she's "messed up" from a traumatic experience -I think that's over-simplifying. But you might just say to her: "I do x, y, z for you because you matter to me. I need you to do x, y, z for me... and when you do v, w instead it hurts me. This relationship just isn't working for me. If we can't compromise on this issue, I think we're not compatible, and it would be best to end this relationship to allow us to search for more compatible people..." Something like that. Something very honest and straightforward, where she won't feel like you're blaming her or accusing her of being "broken" or something...

Make sense?

InSearchOfAnswers

86

1st - thank you for your response. its a complicated situation as you can see and i hate to read the "just get over it and move on posts" ... i know those mean well, but its not that simple.

Im sure this whole situation isnt 100% due to the rape. I am smart enough to know that any traumantic event of any nature can affect how one thinks. Im sure losing ones virginity to rape/date rape can and problably has affected her approcah to sex. shes even told me so (random balclout sex when she was young and depressed in college).

But my point is she isnt fully aware how far that poison has spread into other areas of her mind. I dont blame her, and i dont pity her. I have respect for her being strong, but when she crosses certain lines that go from "strong" to "offfensive" (to me) it bothers me. I know she has had casual relatinships. I have too. I have told her this. My point is that i prefer not to hear it. I dont want to hear her talk up this great, super hot guy she met on a batchelorette party and randomly slept with for 6 wks. What does that bring to the relationship? It doesnt paint a pretty picture and how does that help bring us closer? It doesnt - just the opposite. The real issue for me was she would do that over and over ... finally i had to throw a fit and tell her STOP!!! She did, but she didnt get it.

and i went to the therapist in an effort to learn how to politley speak about it and how to effectively communicate. I dont know one guy who would have gone through that so early in the relationship. I deemed her worthy. I respect her, but i expect respect back. I think thats only fair.

If she is hiding this guy to 'protect me' and nothing is going on, then she is actually hurting us. I told her this. Me catching her in lies doesnt help us at all and she realizes it but i guess when she gets back in town (shes currently out of town working - has been for a while now) ...

and i dont make her feeel bad about her ex contact. the guys in mind were flings that lasted for a very short time (i dont consider that an ex). i just let her know it bothers me. and until very recently, she has told me "they contact me to see what im up to, so i contact them back" and overall i "show her problems but never give her solutions" so essentially shes sidestepping the fact that she could halt all the chatter ... the real issue (for me) was 1. is this the rapes effects? 2. why does she have this 'need' to continue these relationships and 3. most importantly, why doesnt she put any effort into helping me solve our problems?

Toluca_86

Well, here are a few more things to think about:

Could be she's "playing games" to try and make you jealous, which is supposed to make you more into her/compete for her attention. As a young woman, I've gotten advice to do this from various older men and women both... Not sure that it's ever worked, though.

Could be something a little less conventional. Like here's a personal story (in brief): I had kind of a casual fling with a guy for a couple of months. Then he met someone he wanted as a gf, and I found out first through a second-hand source. I was hurt and a little pissed, so I was fairly surprised when he asked me if we could stay in touch. Truth was though, I'd always felt a pretty strong connection to him, especially in a friendly way, so I decided to do it. So yes, I am still attracted to him, but also if I ever had a bf who wanted me to cut off connection with this guy altogether I'd tell him to shove it; b/c to me, that's crossing my boundaries.

Could be she's not looking for any particular reaction from you, but rather /she/ wants to maintain contact with these people; or simply she prefers to have multiple guys she's attracted to in her life in some capacity, and it's not something she's willing to compromise for your sake.

Could be she's testing you. Maybe she wants to know that you trust her enough to not flip out over knowing she keeps contact with these people. Maybe she wants to really feel like you'll stick with her for the longhaul before she starts to invest herself more in you.

Or as suggested above, it could be purely a control thing, which could be partially due to having been raped. Or it could be combinations thereof. If she won't tell you /why/ she does it and she won't stop, I think you may just have to accept it as a part of her which she may or may not change over time, and you have to decide whether or not you can want to be with her as a whole.

As to your #3 I totally agree that is an issue. Which is why I suggested laying out the facts for her in the manner presented in my post above.

Romefalls19

I see a whole bunch of wrong in this post, and people probably won't agree with me on this subject. I have NEVER believed in that whole "so drunk I did this" crap. If you can't control your alcohol, then don't drink. Personally I think she is using the drinking as an excuse to run around being a tramp and I would put money on the fact she has cheated on you before.

Second, she lies because you will believe them and she doesn't think it's a big deal anymore. She's become so good at it that she actually believes them herself.

I have gotten really drunk myself(just turned 21 in August) so I know how that is, but NEVER have I even hooked up with someone and didn't remember it. If you want to stay with her, be my guest but it's only going to continue. She should really chose her friends better(girls I know wouldn't let their friend do that stuff)

I won't even touch the rape subject right now, too early. But I don't think the behavior she is exhibiting right now fits well with someone who has been raped before(I could be wrong)

Sorry I'm so grumpy this morning guys, and don't take the post as being too critical, I am just tired of the drunk excuse from people

Homegirl 50

You are wrong. A lot of the behavior she exhibits fits someone who was raped. She is acting out and she probably has a drinking problem. But he is enabling her by allowing her to disrespect him. He puts up with it and then complains. He should "pee or get off the pot", put up with it or leave her. But to say she is "really a nice person" while at the same time telling people about her bad behavior then patting himself on the back for putting up with it is not right.

Romefalls19

After looking up the information, it appears it goes either way, so I was not wrong, just not completely right. So I do apologize for making that assumption, but I do fully think he is using that as an excuse to kind of justify her behavior. She needs to seek counseling for this or it's never going to end

Homegirl 50

I agree.

Toluca_86

Romefalls,

There are not only two ways people can react to rape. People can react in many, many different ways, depending on individual differences. And also, different people recover at different rates.

I don't think it's accurate to say he's "enabling" her, b/c that indicates he has some ability to control her that perhaps he should be using, which in fact, he doesn't and he shouldn't... Fundamentally, rape is about control -it's about someone taking away someone else's ability to make choices about their own body. A crucial element to recovery of rape for most people is learning to reassert control over their own life and body in some form or another (this from someone trained to aid survivers of sexual assault). This is something many survivors have difficulty doing -which is why many survivors are prone to falling into abusive relationships, where their partner controls them too much.

For all any of us know, the things she's doing now are helping her to work through her issues, and she will reach where she needs to be to be happier with her own life in her own time. Ultimately though, she has to make her own decisions, and all anyone else can do is provide support, or let her know if the things she's doing are causing them to feel hurt.

Not to mention, according to what InSearch said, the only truly dangerous element to her behavior (blackout sex) is something she hasn't done for awhile.

I don't think she's deliberately disrespecting him, so much as it's her needs are different than his at this time (i.e. if she had her way, both of them would have more freedom and less of an overwhelming role in the other's life than he wants them to have). Counseling might help her, but of course no one can force her to go, and counseling isn't the only way to get better; also, counseling wouldn't guarantee that she would decide to act the way he wants her to act.

And Romefalls, it is absolutely NOT OKAY to just /assume/ someone is lying.

Toluca_86

To clarify, I was referring specifically to your comment that she was cheating on him, Rome. Not the small things that he /knows/ she lied about. (I mean, IMO she should be able to be friends with whoever she wants to -yeah it's odd she feels a need to lie about it, but at the same time if she felt like the inquisition was after her maybe she felt defensive)

Romefalls19

So basically what you're telling me is you think it's okay for her to go and sleep around? That's destructive behavior and anyone who says that's okay to do, is a moron.

Also, if you read his opening line in the post...He caught her in lies, so please do tell how in the blue hell was I "assuming" she lied? Please read the posts before posting your opinions. And had you read the post below Homegirl, I apologized for saying that's the only way someone could reacted, which is where I also put "(I could be wrong)" and after I put that, I went and researched the topic. And thus retracted my previous statement about the rape.