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I cant go on like this, its destroying me
Asked Aug 8, 2011, 07:15 AM
Hi, I have a big problem and its actually me, well the way I think. I'm in a relationship and have been nearly 4 years, I love my boyfriend to death and I do believe he loves me. The problem is well him finding other women attractive and also porn. In one way I understand yes he's going to find others attractive but I still feel like crying if I see him notice another girl or I find out he's been watching porn. I understand that this sort of thing pops up a lot but I genuinely want to be better, I understand why men look at porn but I feel like crying every time he looks. This problem seems to be so deep rooted and has been going on in past relationships too, and I can't seem to get past it. I get told all the time I'm beautiful and sexy by people and yet maybe deep down I always feel like others are better than me. My self esteem is rubbish I know.
One thing that does bother me is that I had a counsellor a bit ago but it didn't seem to help much one thing she did say is that I seem to associate this sort of sexual desire thing as love. Like if he finds someone attractive it means he doesn't love me, if my boyfriend watches porn he doesn't love me etc. I go out of my way to please my boyfriend sexually maybe because I want to feel totally loved and when he's watching porn I assume well I'm not loveable and ugly. People can tell me I'm attractive but that doesn't matter because I want my boyfriend to only find me attractive and if he finds others attractive I feel like I've failed. I know I sound like a total nutter, I'm honestly not. I'd do anything for anyone and hate hurting people, its just this is ruining my life and I don't know how to stop it. Can anyone help or at least understand. I'd love to find a way to well feel happy
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Aug 11, 2011, 02:34 AM
Wondergirl - I know I'm not his policeman and its wrong to say what he can and can't do that's why I've posted on here because I know I need help. Just him doing that makes me feel well like I do :S
It doesn't make it ok that I did it to please him I was just explaining that he actually thought I wanted to its my own fault for doing something I didn't want to do just to please someone else. I seem to do things I don't want to do all the time just to please others although not always to that extent.
Also I don't know what I am I'm a nice person or I try my hardest to be that can't always be a bad thing can it?
Talaniman - I do know I need help and id love to be able to relax about things and not worry all the time especially about porn. I've had quite a few counsellors in my past a couple about this porn issue and the others where ealrier in life. I struggle with the way I look a lot especially back at school I did and that seems to have still carried on into later life. Because I was so upset when I was younger I used to self harm as I didn't know how to deal with my feelings. Now I don't self harm even though I have a couple of times no one knows about it. I am an emotional wreck though and cry over most things, I hate the way I look everything, its like him watching porn just comfirms my believe that I am ugly if that makes any sense?
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Aug 11, 2011, 03:49 AM
It does make sense.
You believe certain things about yourself, you believe they are true, so you look outwards to things like the porn to confirm what you believe.
The good news is you can change those beliefs..here's an example.
When you were young you believed in santa clause, and you looked for reasons to confirm that belief, when you found out the santa was not real, you could see easily how it could not be true and your belief changed...
You change what you believe to be true by changing your thinking and finding ways to confirm that, beliefs are changed by convictions and habits (acts and actions), you make a conviction to find the RIGHT counsellor and to change how you view yourself, and its not just about seeking counselling, its making a consious effort everyday to find the good in you.
You like to help people, your good at that, why not help people who will see and acknowledge what you do, help people who will value the time and effort you put in..example volunteering in a hospital, animal shelter...
Thats just an example of one of the things you can do to help yourself.
The relationship your in right now is not helping you, but anyone posting here to say 'get out' is not going to work, you need to see it for yourself, your suffering and I think you think you deserve to suffer, because you believe your not good enough, again were back to beliefs.
The people here are like sign posts, were showing the way, you need to choose to take the path to healing, its the only way out of this living hell your in, we have given you the map and directions....go left to freedom and not right to more suffering.
In saying all that, in my experience people won't change a situation there in until they have get to a point where they have suffered enough...your close.
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Aug 11, 2011, 06:23 AM
You are looking to him for validation of who you are and that is not a healthy attitude. Other people cannot make you see, think, or feel something that you don't already recognize in yourself.
This may sound strange but I think you need to have an affair with yourself. Send yourself a love letter saying what you love about yourself and how sexy you find yourself. Treat yourself like you want others to treat you. Give yourself the attention you deserve. You want all of his attention, but you don't give yourself any.
Look at the positives in your life instead of dwelling on the negatives. Look at what you have accomplished and the hard work you are putting in to do even more. Tell yourself how proud you are of you.
There is a strong beautiful woman inside you who has taken the manure that life has given her and is turning it into a wonderful garden. Embrace her and accept her as part of you.
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Aug 11, 2011, 06:34 AM
Thank you to you both, I've tried telling myself I'm pretty and a good person and sometimes I think I'm ok but if something's happens that's bad I go back to hating myself again. A big trigger is when I find out he's been watching porn it puts me back to square one again. Sometimes I think maybe the porn is nothing to do with me but then again he says I'm sexy etc so I don't understand why he needs to look at other women too. I frustrate myself because I can't accept its nothing to do with me as an answer and I'm constantly questioning and pondering everything, I can't stop myself.
Im hoping more counselling will help. I just don't understand why I'm like I am id give anything to not be bothered by it
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