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I have been dating my gf for 3 months now. We like eachother a lot. Things are going great. But the for the last 30 days, I have been stressing out and I am in a very bad mood. Here is the problem. I am 22 year old. I have only had two girls in my life. My gf is 19. But she has already slept with 11 guys before me. 3 of them from her previous bf which is totally fine with me. However, the rest of them 8 were from one night stands and friends with benefits. I was really grossed out by that a month ago when I asked her about her sexual past. And she told me all that. I met her at the beginning of Jan this year. She broke up with her bf in last Sep, and she had a one night stand that month. And then she was having sex with her friend for a while. And this guy is ugly and he is a looser. According to her he was consoling her because she was sad and she slept with him. I want to break this guy's face if I see him.
I told her a week ago that I can't seem to get over her past. She told me that she is sorry that I can't get over it and she told me that eventually I will be able to get over it. That is why she changed and she didn't have sex for two months before we met. Yeah but she slept with me on our first date. Here is another problem, too. I am leaving for training in another city half a world away for a month. I don't think I will be able to trust her. She loves sex a lot. And most of the guys that she slept with previously are still in this same town. And I know she still talks to some of them on facebook under private messages. Even though she told me she doesn't anymore but she is always talking to someone on facebook, and I saw her talking to guys on facebook also.
This girl is amazing in every other ways except for her past. I really want to get over her past and start trusting her that she won't cheat on me when I am away for training. But I can't seen to find ways to help myself. I almost wanted to cheat on her so I can feel guilty when I see her and so I can respect myself less. But I stopped myself, case I can never cheat on someone. I am constantly so worried about the relationship. I was so stressed out that I got shingles/chicken pox. Now I am even more depressed.
My question is :
1) How can I completely get over her past
2) How can I trust her when I am not around
3) Can someone really change in two months from having sex with random guys
Please help.
Justwantfair - Only in a perfect world would we all be able to accept everyone's fault's and enter into a relationship reserving judgement. Your example of having children and entering a relationship is not quite the same thing as having many partner's at such a young age and viewing sex as no big deal.
He has a right to know what he is getting into, he's not holding this over her head, and I do beleive that she should be held accountable forher decision making in the past. IF he leaves her than that would be her being held accountable for her actions and I do not see anything wrong with his decision to do that. A person refusing to entertain a relationship with you based on you having children would be a different matter and one in which I would not agree with.
People can say the past is none of his business but that would be unfair to him, he should know whom it is he is dating and loving for that matter.
please... dont be a martyr who is "willing to be depressed" and who isnt going to be able to concentrate on your work because of her, and who isnt willing to be the bad guy who breaks hearts.
For whatever reason, if a relatively "new" relationship is already creating this much angst and anxiety, let that be your guide. This is not about judging someone's past, it's about how another person makes you feel and the things you are feeling are negative and weighing you down. Sometimes things are just not a 'good fit' and you have to cut bait when you realize it and as you get older, whether it be a job, a bad friendship or someone you are dating- hopefully you'll learn to do this without sinking yourself into a pit and punishing the other person.
I am willing to stay depressed until I get over this. The only problem is I am going to be gone for a month at the end of May. During this month that we are going to be apart. I am not going to able to concentrate on my army course/work because I would just keep thinking of her. She even told me that she will be studying at home for her course so she can be a nurse soon and she won't be seeing anyone. I don't wanna break both our hearts to step out of the relationship. I am so lost right now.
Is there a light at the end of the tunnel that I cannot see? What are you holding on to? Have you made any progress lately?
If you are so confused about your feelings for her, you need to spend some time apart from her. You need to sort out your emotions and feelings first before continuing with her.
Why torture yourself? Relationships aren't suppose to be so sad and depressing.
tried to give another "agree" rating but i hafta spread it around first.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pathisfer
For whatever reason, if a relatively "new" relationship is already creating this much angst and anxiety, let that be your guide. This is not about judging someone's past, it's about how another person makes you feel and the things you are feeling are negative and weighing you down. Sometimes things are just not a 'good fit' and you have to cut bait when you realize it and as you get older, whether it be a job, a bad friendship or someone you are dating- hopefully you'll learn to do this without sinking yourself into a pit and punishing the other person.
If so, he'd break up with her because he cannot handle the information or the thought of what she has done. Him leaving would not be to hurt her as a punishment for her actions.
He likes her, he see's something in her, he just can't handle the stress. Same like me, I liked my ex, i saw something in her, I was disgusted at her behaviour prior to meeting me, it ended, hope she changed her ways and a better guy came along.
She was young, made some immature decisions about her body. Maybe she suffers from low self esteem. I think that the fact that she made some less then honorable decisions in her youth, should not be held over her head, just because he made the right choices.
Sounds like there are two different agendas here and the fact that she was upfront and you continued the relationship only to now be upset because you have feelings, sounds more like jealousy of her experience or fear that she is mentally measuring you against her past.
Walk away, this isn't fair for someone you love to feel this way about her.
Justwantfair - Only in a perfect world would we all be able to accept everyone's fault's and enter into a relationship reserving judgement. Your example of having children and entering a relationship is not quite the same thing as having many partner's at such a young age and viewing sex as no big deal.
He has a right to know what he is getting into, he's not holding this over her head, and I do beleive that she should be held accountable forher decision making in the past. IF he leaves her than that would be her being held accountable for her actions and I do not see anything wrong with his decision to do that. A person refusing to entertain a relationship with you based on you having children would be a different matter and one in which I would not agree with.
People can say the past is none of his business but that would be unfair to him, he should know whom it is he is dating and loving for that matter.
He has known since day one 'what he was getting into', it didn't bother him then.
I don't really think that because she has had more partners then him that she believe sex is no big deal. We all make mistakes in judgement when we are younger. He has to accept it or move on. He is choosing not to accept it, she is owed that respect.
I don't want to be in a relationship where I am accountable now for all of my errors of the past.
Be judged for who you are, not where you have been, as that is what makes you who you are.
Justwantfair - He stated he did not have such strong feeling for her in the beginning and also that he found out about the past after they began dating.
I agree with much you say although I cannot come to accept that these error's should be easily dismissed.
Very true that we should not be subjected to scrutiny over past mistakes, however, some issues are more alarming than others. I could not just wipe the past clean if this information was revealed. If she kissed a boy or got drunk one night and acted a fool I'd agree with you, she did much more and the underlining reasons for that could be serious one's.
To a guy (some), their girlfriend is everything, a reflection of themselves and in some cases their worth. This girl either treats sex as a fun thing to do whislt bored or she may very well have self-worth issues. Whatever the reason, she was the one who chose to do it and I don't think she can expect everyone she meets to dismiss what she has done under the protection of love and caring.
Other than the above I agree that this will not work out and that he should leave before it gets worse.
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