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For ten months I have been involved with a guy for whom I've magically sustained very strong feelings for despite all the bull. The relationship got rocky after about 6 weeks (which were great), when he had a drastic change in attitude towards me. From there I saw him less, dealt with rude and careless treatment, avoidance and overall annoyance with me. I don't know if he was sleeping with other people. The "dark period" lasted about six months, and during that time I would only see him about 3 times a month at best, and for one entire month- not at all. He would arbitrarily communicate with me for a week straight and other times- the longest- not for three weeks. I unsuccessfully tried to end the relationship numerous times. Then around December, his demeanor changed, he recognized his behavior and apologized for it a number of times. Since then, we talk all the time and i always know i'll hear from him at some point. We haven't argued, since all we ever argued about was his behavior- and seem to be headed to overall greener pastures. We still only see each other about 6 times a month, if i'm lucky. All through this time we still continue to have really superb sex. The thing is, I think he's got to be somewhat indifferent about having me in his life; all because he refuses to see me more often. It's not like he's too busy. And it's always in the back of my mind that he's going to drop out from under me again, even though know he's not going anywhere anytime soon. I don't know if at this point the relationship is still toxic for me and i'm living on eggshells, or if i need to just give it room to grow at the glacial pace it seems to be going because we have to recover from hurt and mistrust that's happened between us?
Glad the sex is good, because it really doesn't sound like an equal relationship. Are you resigned to him treating you this way?? Are you happy with things the way they are? If not re evaluate this relationship and figure out what it is you want and how you want to be treated. If your not happy, why are you settling for less?
Room to grow where? You have a relationship that only has one working component - the sex. The rest is emotional garbage. Neurotic is a good word, unbalanced is another. It sounds like he has some major psych problems that should be dealt with medically, and it also sounds like you both need to spend some serious time with a therapist. You for accepting being treated like a whore (remember the good sex part?). He needs help with his mood disorder and a few other things.
Thank you both for your sound advice. I guess i should refer to the 'rules for breaking up' at this point- if ending this can even be considered to be breaking up. Then maybe i won't be such a nutcase anymore by having his hot and cold behavior dictate my moods and how i feel about myself.
I've told him before that's he's treated me like a whore, or a dog or like garbage and obviously his response has been 'i don't think so". i think it kind of brings to light that you can see in a paragraph what i haven't been able to accept myself despite all the neon signs pointing towards the EXIT sign.
You cannot let his moods and indifference to your own emotional needs cloud your vision. I know that is tough. Because you are right in the middle of it and sometimes it is hard to see what anyone can see. Just remember your own self respect should be your number one focus. You want to be treated well - who doesn't? You deserve to be treated better - YES!
Am sorry that this guy does not even come close to nurturing the relationship. Great sex is, well, great but comes too often at a high price. Your own emotional safety.
yeah, it's pretty funny how much i've justified the way he treats me in the vain hope that he'll end up head over heels in love with me, which is clearly not happening and not going to happen. Even if it does, i already know it's going to be sub-par and nothing close to what i actually want from him. i guess there's no humanly way someone can act the way he has and come around full circle. the hardest part is getting out of thinking 'could have, should have, would have', and accepting that i'm not the girl for him and this entire thing has been a huge, destructive waste of time.
Oh those "could haves, should haves, would haves" - they get us all the time. We start doubting if we even wore the right color socks to go with the jeans. Seriously though, I think you are on the right path here.
There have been several threads posted on how to deal with break-ups in relationships. Full of positive ideas and affirmations. Let me post them for you and you
can glean what you can use from them.
the situation has gotten a little more complicated; he wants to talk.
i don't know if i am ready to have a conversation with him that doesn't involve me rattling off a laundry list of disappointments, let downs and selfish needs! obviously there is a part of me that thinks he wants to talk so he can change my mind about pulling out of it, by offering what causes him to be a chronic jerk controlled by his moods.
do i address the issue as one of an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship- that takes place on his watch only, or do get specific and tell him that all of his fickle behavior and 'push/pull' has finally taken it's toll on me (plus the myriad of other irksome reasons)
i haven't gotten back to him after he texted me last night which might be a first. should i give him a taste of his own medicine and just remain silent until he seeks the resolve himself?
i would prefer to end this as amicably as possible.
I would remain silent until I had it all straight in my head what I wanted to say. In fact, I would write everything down. What was bothering me, how it made me feel, what I wanted to see happen, and do not leave anything out.
He might be sensing you are fed up and does not want to lose the sexual connection. I hate to think like that, but ....
You can text him back and say you are really needing some space right now and have more going on than you can adequately address with him. AS in getting your head on straight and some resolve to make it stick.
I honestly think, you should let him stew in his own juice, while you find a life that makes you happy. You owe him nothing, so act like it. He got what he wanted, and why should you give him a chance to get more of what he wants. Its time to love yourself, and not him.
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